I already knew - but it's good to know....

My mum passed away five and a half years ago and although I no longer cry for her every day anymore - sometimes I just yearn to talk to her...  Sometimes, and like recently, I find myself in these little spaces in time, like little melancholic holes that can last for seconds or days.... Anyway, so there I am in this little gap and to keep myself busy, I decided to clean out a drawer that has a lot of my nick nacks. In doing this, I was led to another container and there I found a diary/journal that was terribly water damaged. After getting over the "who the heck let it get wet" then because of the extent of damage "why was it here and why didn't Mr M not throw it out"....I finally open it.....

And there in my hands was my mother's 2004 diary/journal where she has written some of her thoughts and had glued in all the cards and letters and things that she was given. I was taken aback and yes Mr M, I gave a silent "thank you" for saving it.... I have to admit I had to sit down as I was overcome with this sense that my mum was there with me. I could hear her voice in my mind and I felt loved by my mummy.... and although I already knew, it was sooo good to know!! It snapped me back and I love her more for that...

The gems that made my day.

A letter from a son about his mum
"I can't wait to go on my mission but I will miss my mum (he's talking about me ;-)) but I know that I [will] come back some day. I hope I [get] called to preach here at my home. I know that wherever I go I'll still be with my mum and dad also my nan." My 8 year old son about me.

The love of a mother for her children

 11 June 2004. "Saw my son-love him very much - my son. So thankful for my big daughter (that's me :-)). What does a person do to deserve such a special person.... Miss Z - sometimes I wish she was here so I can see and touch her. Never mind...."  I knew she loved me and my brother and sister, but I can't tell you how good it was to hear her tell me - and how happy it made me to know...

She knew....

I always knews that my mum knew I loved her.... but it was soooo good to know she knew... "Maraea cooked a lovely meal tongiht. They asked me to come to their house for dinner, but it was too cold, too late, too lazy, too anything. So she packs up all her food and the boys an they came over to my house for dinner. When she walked in the door I said "why" and she said something that I'll remember for a long time. "That's what families are all about". How special. Had a huge lovely meal - beautiful" June 2004   

Kumfs shoes

One of the side effects of the chemotherapy regime my mother was on was the deterioration of the nerves in her extremities, namely her feet and fingers. I remember going with her to a podiatrist for the first time and how humbling it was for her to have someone take care of her feet for her. At that appointment she was told to get some 'real' shoes after years and years of wearing the cheapest shoes she could get. Like a lot of mothers, my mume never spent any money on herself - it always went to me and my brother and sister and then when our babies came -everything she had went to them..... so when we went to get some new shoes it was s big deal. She recounts" Went to town with Maraea and brought a lovely pair of closed in show from Kumfs - very nice and very nice price." I remember that day clearly - she thanked me for practically forcing her to go and do something she would NEVER have done by herself - and buy her something...... I always knew but it was good to know of what it is like to be humble....

Service

"We are on this earth to servce, not here to be served"

Recipes...

I remember my mother collected recipes. I have no idea when she was going to get around to cooking all of those things - but I thank her for it because some eight years after collecting them and five and a half years since she passed - she made me smile with the things she had glued into this journal. I've decided I'm going to have a go and make them for her and thank goodness they don't look too difficult... Tomato Relish, Date Loaf, Apple Crumble, Superb Scrambled eggs... watch this space ;-)

I always knew but I can't tell you how good it is to know that even after she is gone.... my mummy still lives on in me - and her journal - however water damaged it is....

Yours in friendship,

Mxo