Not today! Not at all!

Recently I have had the opportunity to reflect on some things. Attending funerals have a way of doing that I guess! And while I was reflecting - my mind taking a break from the proceedings of the day - I came to the conclusion that I am the captain of my own destiny. I already knew this but it in that one moment of clarity, it was like a thunder bolt had come down and started jumping up and down on my bouncy noggin of a brain!

I realised that I was holding on to stuff - like bad stuff that had happened to people, and it was making me angry and disillusioned. I had thought about and agonised over the pain that was caused, the tears that had been shed, and I took on all that hurt, and personally. The build up over a matter of days, weeks and months, left me overwhelmed and often, with a sense of  hopelessness. I felt there was nothing I could do and nowhere I could go.... And in this one moment, sitting at a funeral, it dawned on be - there was nothing to do because it wasn't my problem! It had nothing to do to me so why should I be holding on to that, and just like that I could hear Demi Lovato singing loud and clear - "let it go!"

So, I decided then and there, and over the past few days, that, even with empathy as one of my strengths, I am NOT going to take on other people's problems. In fact, I am going to coat myself in real-life teflon. I am going to be a non-stick human. I am going to care deeply about what happens to people, but in order for that darkness to get to my core it has to get over and through a trump-like concrete wall called - not today! not at all! I love the saying "you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to" and I'm going to chose not to attend any at all!

And as I sat there having this grand epiphany I could feel all of this weight lift off my shoulders. 

Not to be one to just sit there and ponder without doing something about it, I started to envisage writing down each thing that was getting me down, all the things that I had heard had happened to people that I care about, or just things that happened that were not right, but no one seemed to be addressing and fixing them, and then scrunching them up and literally getting rid of them by throwing them in the rubbish or shredding them. I am sooooooo looking forward to doing this something in the weekend.

I also made a pledge to myself, right there on that cold autumn morning, that in order to take care of myself, I am going to follow Socrates three gateways for speaking and apply it to when I am receiving information which are 1) Is it true?, 2) Is it kind? and in particular, 3) Is it necessary? Most of the information that comes to me about people, meet at least one or two of those, but from now on, information is going to have to meet them all. I no longer want to know anything that does not matter, does not conern me or my family and especially about things that are outside of my control. If I have to know information, for example at work, and for work - then I will keep it in a box called work and get it out during work hours.

To help myself, I am going to surround myself with like-minded people and be the person other people don't feel comfortable being around when talking about others. I want to be the person that people gravitate to when they want to say good things about people. And I will not take on other people's rubbish. No can do. Not today! Not at all!

I certainly am going to tighten my circle of trust and review who I hold in my confidence.

I am going to cut bad talk out of my dialogue and practice my word of rthe year which is EDIFY - to "instruct or improve (someone) morally or intellectually"

And if all else fails, I will do as my mother taught me - don't say anything if I had nothing NICE to say! or even as late as her last days, and from her death bed, she counselled me to "be positive" And I know this for sure - mums know everything and she thought  I should be more positive, then its what I need to do - and the timing is perfect!

Anyone out there know what I mean?

Yours in friendship.

Mxo

Dating Rules: A generation later

I had the worst mother in the world.

She was so strict I could hardly breathe without her knowing what I was doing. I don't know how she did it but she didn't need GPS to find out where I was - and she had nothing on the CIA, FBI, DEA or any other agency when it came to finding out who I was with. Her rules were just as bad. School, home and church were the only sanctioned venues on the 'allowed to visit' list :-) And time allowed to get to and from each of those places and home was 15mins. 

My mother was strict alright, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I am so grateful for that. She is the reason I am where I am today. She is the reason my moral compass has a true north. She is reason I have a great life now - all because of her hard work she put in when I was growing up. 

She deserves a medal awarded posthumously for putting up with me and my siblings and just quietly, I think she would be tickled pink to see me having some of those same struggles with her moko - especially around her dating rules! Like me as a teenager and young adult, her moko do not understand the rationale behind the dating rules especially, and like myself back in the day, they have friends who live lives quite happily without any rules, or very relaxed ones. The counter arguments  such as "your rules don't make sense, they are out-of-date, aren't logical and/or have no doctrinal basis" are the same in 2017 as they were during 1985-91! What's ironic is the answers (more like comebacks) back then are the same as today which is going to be one of two things - as my mother said and I heard Mr repeat - "if you live in my house - these are my rules!" And probably most importantly, "keeping our rules is about one thing: RESPECT!"

For us, our sons have done most of their courting overseas in the homes of their one true loves and totally subject to the rules of their in-laws. So for the most part Mr and I have missed out on establishing our rules. However, we both agree that whatever happened overseas did not or does not change what Mr and I have in our home. Recently, Mr had the opportunity to outline the dating rules 2017 which he had memorised from the same ones my mother outlined for him while we were dating from 1988-91:

1) Don't go in the rooms alone. You can't get up to mischief if you are out in the open and everyone can see you.  I remember clearly, there was nothing more I wanted to do than to be with my boyfriend alone every chance I could.

2) Don't stay in the house together alone. You must have super powers far exceeding anything ever known if you can be in a house alone and keep your hands to yourself, and lastly

3) Whenever you are sitting around keep your feet on the ground. Basically, don't lie around together.  Besides taking up more room on the sofas - it's not cool. Sit up and be present. 

Straight away I recognised in my son the "look" I had. The disbelief that a parent would second guess ones noble intentions. The lack of faith in ones ability to withstand temptation was written on his face. And although my son assures me, nothing further could be from his mind, as parents we're equally vehement in our surprise because every other human we knew and know felt like we did. And that was that all his father and I wanted to do at his age, was to get married and honeymoon away our lives right then and there.

Why rules at all? Well, in my faith, there is no sexual connection before marriage, that's all saved for after the wedding. And the ultimate goal for most LDS young men and women is to be married in the temple. A wedding in the temple seals that marriage for time and all eternity, not just for this life, but into the next. And there should be no sex before that day. So the rules help to keep everyone safe and satan well away! And even more basic than that, back in my day, it was to ensure that my sister and I never got pregnant before we were married. 

And it worked - just. Lets just say, Mr and I had a very tactile relationship. We were affectionate and enjoyed PDA (public  displays of affection) that must have had my poor mother on HIGH alert every minute! Although Mr and I tried our hardest to be together and alone at every opportunity, we kept the rules, if for  no other reason than out of respect for my mother and her rules of the house.

My horrible mother - how I love her. I am sure she was seen as being odd with such strict rules, just as Mr and I may appear so now. But I don't care. She was the worst mother in the world to whom I owe much of what I have. I thank her for putting rules in my life to keep me safe from my own poor judgement and decisions.

What are the dating rules you have in your household? How are they working for you? Maybe you deserve a medal as well :-)

Yours in friendship

Mxo

Adoption: An Aunty's tale

I'm not going to even pretend that when it comes to sharing - I'm not very good at it. In fact, if someone wants something that I have, I would rather give it to them than share it. Or if we go somewhere to eat, I would rather buy more of something so that we can enjoy equally and separately :-). Every.Time.

Anyway, the first time I ever heard the saying "sharing is caring" was when my brother's girlfriend (who would eventually be his wife) came into our family. Obviously from a big family who had to make things spread amongst everyone, she learnt how to share and would often be telling us that "sharing was caring", as she cut something into smaller slices so no one missed out. We used to have little giggles about it as a family because our sister-in-law is so good at sharing, yet it never quite stuck with us or maybe it was just me!

So, why am I talking about sharing all of a sudden? Today, I learnt about sharing. Today I attended a baby's blessing. It is one of the formalities that takes place for a baby in our faith. When a baby is born, he or she is given a name (similar to a christening without the water) that will be known on the records of the church and then given what we call a father's blessing. This is where, the baby's father blesses the child to have a good life and all the things he wants to bless the child with. Today was no different. The young proud father gave his beautiful baby girl a name and a lovely blessing that she would be happy and find joy in life.

It was really nice, and such a wonderful blessing, yet in equal parts it was one of the saddest moments in my life. Sharing in the joy of the day with the baby girl's parents and both sets of grandparents and their family was too much for me today. I could hardly breathe, let alone contain my sobs and literally ran from the building as soon as the blessing ended with 'amen'.. 

As I stood outside, I cried and cried and cried for my loss. Because the little baby girl wasn't just anybody, no, this precious baby was my family's first moko, She was given to her new family by my niece. So the name that was given today was not ours, but our baby's new family name.

While I sat in the car with my brother, the baby's maternal birth-grandfather, I sobbed freely and all I wanted to do was run to my mother's graveside! The loss I felt was akin to that of losing her. All the potential of having a moko was given to someone else to enjoy. And the thought, as is our belief, the baby would be sealed to her new parents for all eternity was just a little more than I could take today.

And although sharing is caring, on this side of the adoption equation, and I pray for only a brief season, it bites!!

In my head, I know that our baby has gone to parents who will love her just as much if not more than us. She has gone to a mother and father who love each other and who are sealed to each other forever. My beautiful grand niece has two sets of grandparents who are faithful members of our church. She will have awesome role models of womanhood, because her new mum and grandmothers are strong, hardworking and beautiful. 

But in my heart, I also know that she will never hear me telling jokes. She is never going to hear stories that we have told all of our children. She won't get to ride in the car while I make it bunny hop! She will never get a bear hug from me that every niece and nephew has to endure. She will probably be grateful for it, but she will never hear me snoring, and listen to me sleeping through movie marathons. She will never hear me laugh or sing. She is never going to know me. She will never know how much she is loved by me.... 

And sadly, she will not know until she is older, and only if she wants to know us, how much it hurt to give her away.

And in the height of all ironies, it is through the ultimate sacrifice of giving her up for adoption by her tummy mummy, that her Grand-Aunt has finally learnt that sharing is caring. 

Bye bye my baby niece.

Love, your Aunty Mxo

Lessons from a bishop's wife

Recently, my husband was released as the Bishop.

He had been given the 'heads up' a few weeks earlier, but already had had two poignant dreams on two separate occasions months before so he was ready. But despite that, on the day he was sad and tearful, not because of the office he held but because he would miss being such an intimate part of people's lives that he had grown to love. He was going to miss the people. A few nights after he met with the new Bishop to do a 'hand over' and he returned home after that meeting happy and free of any burdens. It was if a weight or as we like to call it - the 'mantel' had surely lifted and now sat with the new guy. We both wish him all the best.... 

Being Mr's wife is a privilege every day, and being a Bishop's wife was an honour. His release has made me reflect on my time as a Bishop's wife and the lessons I've learnt.

Time and a season

When a friend, not of my  faith found out Mr had been released she asked me why? She was concerned that he may have done something that warranted a release. I assured her that he didn't do anything wrong, and explained that after five plus years, it was time to give someone else a turn. She seemed satisfied with that answer although not quite sure if she was to be happy or sad for him :-) I told her be happy that he had the opportunity to serve and now has a different assignment. So yes, you learn that callings and assignments are for a time, so any stressors, pressures or whatever is faced, do come to an end. 

Humility

I tried not to refer to Mr as Bishop in front of my friends because I didn't want to feel like I was elevating him or myself. In hindsight, that sounds lame, but in my mind I always remembered calling a home and the wife answered "You've called the #***# home. This is the Bishop's wife speaking" and decided then if I was ever in that position I wouldn't use the Bishop as a title for myself. Don't get me wrong, I felt privileged and equally as humbled to be married to a man who was chosen to be a leader, but I always clear it was his title/role not mine. It was helpful that Mr remained humble throughout but maybe next time I will address him humbly :-)

Respect

I learnt that people respected the role of Bishop, but in particular, Polynesians. Mr was the Bishop for two young men, one marrying into a Tongan family and the other marrying into a Samoan family. I was impressed by the respect that is offered to leaders of the church at both of those weddings, where at the Tongan wedding he was given gifts and blanket at the Samoan wedding (our son's) he was given a cake from the 21 teired wedding cake (as the Bishop of the groom).  Even my father, and his siblings (my aunties and uncles) always acknowledged Mr as the Bishop at family gatherings when it is usually the children who 'mihi' (acknowledge) our elders. I was always reminded that the Bishop is special calling and I will try and remember to respect my husband regardless of what calling he holds. 

Support 

I learnt how to support my husband during my time as a Bishop's wife. I had always been a supporter but I learnt how to do it from the back and not the front, at his side, and silently. I learnt to let him lead and be supportive of whatever he did. I developed the skill of being internally critical and externally loyal. All of these things I had done over the years of being married to Mr, but in this role I refined it. I never ever wanted to hear people saying of me, "the Bishop's wife runs the ward!" Oh no no no! I did everything in my power to not be 'that' wife. Now I can use those skills and keeping supporting Mr and let him lead in our home :-) Don't ask my friends how I am doing :-)

Love & Service

I learnt from Mr  to genuinely love and serve people. I recognised that when people came to see the Bishop, it was either while their lives were going fantastic or they were in their darkest days. He performed marriages, and conducted funeral services. He did those humbly and in love. Sometimes he would ask me to accompany him on visits with people and they would always be so happy to see him and know he cared and he did and he still does. I enjoyed this pastoral part of his role the most, being with him as he gave comfort to people always made me feel better! I need to continue serving!

There are things I should have done or could have done better. Maybe I should have been a more manicured wife, walked and talked like a model and diplomat. But I didn't. I was the same then as I am now - a little rough but true and not fake. And in the end, I wasn't the Bishop - I was his friend, his sound board, his fixer, his female eye, and his companion. I did my job. I loved him, wiped his tears, fixed his collar, dusted off his jacket and sent him back out there every day. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I wish our new Bishop's wife all the best. She's going to be amazing!

Until the next time,

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

A natural woman!

So, when Alicia Keys came out with her natural woman look with no makeup recently - I had a little giggle because so many kiwis/women in my life do not wear makeup and are straight up natural women all the time. Every. Day. It made me think about the complexities of being a woman....

I know women who do not look in the mirror or hide away, some of whom do not have mirrors in the home because they don't want to see what is in front of them. Ugly, deformity, fat, or jelly bellies are all that they see when they look in the mirror which makes no sense. It hurts me to see these women feel like this because, if there is nothing else you learn in this life - we have to know that we are all made in the image of our creator. We are of divine heritage, that I believe, and because of that, we are beautiful in his eyes - perfectly beautiful. I learnt a long time ago that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and we are the original beholders are we not - so look in the mirror ladies - accept the truth - we may be lumpy, but we are alive and breathing! And even for the ones who think they are too skinny - you too - look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are alive and strong! Even if you don't believe a word of it to start with - keep saying it until you do :-)

I have seen handsome men with women who are average, and for me, and probably the most relevant big women with smaller an attractive men and wondered why or how! I've even had someone who after meeting Mr and then met me, actually say "you must have a lovely personality"! As if to say there could be no other reason why he would have married me. So I personally know how flawed it is to think that people are not attracted because of anything other than visually, but it is human nature at its rawest, and I am only human. It is in these moments where my eyes mislead me that I remind myself of the movie 'Shallow Hal' where Jack Black's character sees Gwyneth Paltrow's character as a beautiful skinny girl when in reality she's a very big girl. The movie teaches us about inner beauty and how wrong we are to judge people on their outside beauty alone!

My inner turmoil, shared my many around self-image and self confidence is intensified because my husband is a handsome man. He looks practically the same as the day I met and fell in love with him.    He is getting older and the gray hairs are showing up mostly on the sides which as I get older is kinda sexy.  Ohhhkay and I digress... where were we?? Aaahh yes - moi.  Myself on the other hand, well I let myself go and don't look anything like I did when we met, hence the comment about my personality!

What is funny is that for  some reason I thought I had done this in isolation, and in some corner of my brain, thought that maybe Mr hadn't noticed ;-) But I got that totally wrong (beside the obvious - the man is not blind!), when we sat the boys down and talked about what to look for in an eternal companion. Mr eloquently, and matter-of-factly explained to the boys that the woman they fell in love with, may phsyically change over time, after they have children he said, and their bodies change.... and pointed to their mother as an example. I wasn't sure if I should be offended or not, but what I definitely was, was impressed. That a man I have been with for almost 30 years, actually had noticed that I was not skinny anymore (duh!), and loves me still. We talked about it and I asked him if it bothered him, and he said in the the early days it did but as we got older he accepted the changes in my body as part of me and although he would love me to be healthy, that was my choice, and by body. 

Remember that. Our bodies are ours and we are fashioned in the image of God. We are perfectly beautiful to Him and those around us. We have to own it, lock it into our core and believe it. Let's try and be confident and we will become more attractive as we get stronger. Or at the very least feel better about ourselves. Why don't we get in front of our mirrors and embrace our beautiful selves -squishy bits and all  and on the days when we can't do it - then find another sista, even in our pjs - and let her remind us what rock stars we really are!!

To my beautiful friends, you  are a natural woman and you are amazing.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

PS: feel free to leave a comment or become a follower to hear my next drop of ramblings...

Dear son

Dear Son

I thought I would write a short note to let you know how much I love you. By now you should know that you are my world and all I do is for you and your brother. I know that sounds cheesy but it is actually truer than true! Your father and I have been blessed with the best boys. Ever since that day, 21 years ago, we have tried to be the best parents to you...

Watching you grow and navigate this next part of your journey,  and seeing the challenges you face - I sometimes feel uncomfortable because of how I raised you and think if there was anything I would have done different. Lately I have even felt like I should be apologising to you but I refuse...

I am not sorry that I raised you to be a King even when there are people in your lives that will treat you less than that. Instead it will teach to recognise in others who know their own self worth and not dependant on you to keep telling them so.

I am not sorry that I raised you to stand up for what you believe in, when there are others who bend to the whims of popular thought. It has taught you to be strong and face the tests that await you with courage and strength.

I am not apologising  for setting standards and boundaries that kept you safe, when there are some who say there is unlimited freedom without them. Instead, you have been liberated from the restrictions poor choices would have had on your life and you have limitless options ahead of you.

I am not sorry to have raised you to expect there is an equal to you and the way you have been raised, when that may have been unrealistic. What I see it has taught you is to recognise the divine worth in others and have a willingness to help someone reach their own potential.

I will not apologise for teaching you to put God into your life and keep him there even when people you know have forgotten this. I know it is this focus that the atonement is real and that you and I need this gift daily.

By now you would have a perfect understanding of your mother's weaknesses and for this I do apologise. I am still learning even though I am OLD. Learn from me and know that I may have got many things wrong - but it was always while in pursuit of becoming a better mother.

As you prepare for the next chapter in your lives, know that there is no other who loves you like your mother.

Your mum xox

Launching....

A life ago, I used to teach human development to a group of rangatahi (young people) who were moving towards either being a midwife or a nurse. It was a great job, and to be honest I am sure I learnt more than anyone else! One thing I used to teach which still  gets me every time is something called LAUNCHING - basically its the time in the development of a human, when an adult/parent lets their children go and these offspring are literally launched or propelled into life on their own without you.

Well - its coming up that time for me and I have to tell you - it ain't easy for this mama bear! I kind of know what to expect because our sons left home for two years to serve an LDS mission in the Dominican Republic. But this time, there is no expectation for them to return... and to be honest an expectation that they will NOT return...

I know my friends try and tell me to "harden up" and "get used to it" and "better still to wait until I get grandchildren". But, my thinking is that I don't want to wait for grandchildren because I LOVE the children I already have ;-) That plus the fact that for a mother of sons, is that those blessed grand-babies are going to come along with beautiful daughter-in-laws... Soooo back to the launching! 

Thankfully the mission help, so I am better prepared for when they do leave but my thoughts today are about the time period before they actually leave or are launched!


Get going!
Being a parent of an adult child. Now that is something else. Some days, I feel like the mother in this cartoon and want them gone like a fly on a summer day. I know people who have employed the tactic of giving their children a 'magic' age, when their child is deemed old enough to look after themselves - outside of the home and independent of their parents. Some of these children have gone on to flourish, and some left well before their 'age/number' kicked in and others have not. And although I sometimes wish I had given the boys the number of 21, now they are 21, I am glad that was a discussion we NEVER had - because although they may be ready - I AIN'T - yet, almost but not quite yet ;-).

Parental expectations
SO what's the problem? It's not really a problem - its just that your baby just got ADULT ;-) And here you are, in the same body, the same person as you were when they were a baby - just a bit older (and in case - waaaay heavier :-)), and still a parent. All the expectations you had as a parent, do not automatically disappear when your children are living with you and this is the first thing you need to overcome - because although you may not have changed - EVERYTHING has CHANGED. Gone are the rewards and punishments that you would engage when your children were babies, like grounding, or taking the phone off, giving gold star stickers etc and what you are left with are conversations - like adults - I know when sometimes, all you want to do is a good old drop-kick - no!! reasonable conversations and discussion are all you have left. Adult conversations - who knew I would be having these at work and at home! Anyone out there been successful with this? ;-)

A season for letting go...
What is becoming clearer for me as each day goes by, navigating the way through this adult-adult mother-son relationship is that the timing of this next phase is almost here.  It's a feeling of readiness that is growing inside me and I am grateful for the way things have turned out. You see when my sons came back from their missions, I swore that they were never going to go away again! I said it, but always knew in my heart that this was not going to be my reality - but as I touched and kissed them every day for the first few months, this feeling of readiness to let go started to sprout. They have been home 9 months now, both been at University, they teach a Missionary Preparation class, go to church, are both dating - although long distance for now, traveled overseas on their own to spend time with their girlfriends, and they go out with friends. All of these things are normal and in a way preparing me for this time and the season. I feel like I am going to be ready ;-) There! I've said it :-)

Accepting the 'new' look motherhood

When I think about the boys leaving, I sometimes get sad and I figure it is because I am in fact mourning for that part of my life that is over. Mourning for the doting mother, who ran around doing

things for her child, and who even on their missions maintained the intensity of her role of mother (which never decreased just because the boys were overseas), who with typical (of me - those who know me will agree) gusto sent them packages (at great expense), emailed weekly with photos, and kept a photographic journal of her life while they were away etc, all of which to fulfill her yearning need to be 'that' mother.. All of that part of my life has been lived and is over. And what is left is moving through this transition and accepting this new version of  being a mother and parent. The 'in your face' parenting has gone - replaced with being available when needed. With this, is the next phase for me and that is learning to trust that what I have done, everything I have done for my sons, has prepared them to be better than me, to love their children more than I did, and to launch them better than I am. Isn't this the ultimate role of a parent - to raise children to have more than what you had adn to be able to live without you! I accept this, well, learning to accept this and look forward to seeing how this all pans out ;-)

So there you have - launching - what it really feels like for a mother, well this mother! Does it make me crazy? Perhaps it has brought out the kooky-ness in me - but lets be real, there was already so much kooky-ness there in the first place ;-) Seriously and truthfully, I know for sure, I am going to do this 'launching' business the best I can - because after all, that is all each one of us can do - our very best!

Take care of you - love your children well, because, too soon - they will leave...

Yours in friendship,

Mxo