Well - its coming up that time for me and I have to tell you - it ain't easy for this mama bear! I kind of know what to expect because our sons left home for two years to serve an LDS mission in the Dominican Republic. But this time, there is no expectation for them to return... and to be honest an expectation that they will NOT return...
I know my friends try and tell me to "harden up" and "get used to it" and "better still to wait until I get grandchildren". But, my thinking is that I don't want to wait for grandchildren because I LOVE the children I already have ;-) That plus the fact that for a mother of sons, is that those blessed grand-babies are going to come along with beautiful daughter-in-laws... Soooo back to the launching!
Thankfully the mission help, so I am better prepared for when they do leave but my thoughts today are about the time period before they actually leave or are launched!
Get going!
Being a parent of an adult child. Now that is something else. Some days, I feel like the mother in this cartoon and want them gone like a fly on a summer day. I know people who have employed the tactic of giving their children a 'magic' age, when their child is deemed old enough to look after themselves - outside of the home and independent of their parents. Some of these children have gone on to flourish, and some left well before their 'age/number' kicked in and others have not. And although I sometimes wish I had given the boys the number of 21, now they are 21, I am glad that was a discussion we NEVER had - because although they may be ready - I AIN'T - yet, almost but not quite yet ;-).
Parental expectations
SO what's the problem? It's not really a problem - its just that your baby just got ADULT ;-) And here you are, in the same body, the same person as you were when they were a baby - just a bit older (and in case - waaaay heavier :-)), and still a parent. All the expectations you had as a parent, do not automatically disappear when your children are living with you and this is the first thing you need to overcome - because although you may not have changed - EVERYTHING has CHANGED. Gone are the rewards and punishments that you would engage when your children were babies, like grounding, or taking the phone off, giving gold star stickers etc and what you are left with are conversations - like adults - I know when sometimes, all you want to do is a good old drop-kick - no!! reasonable conversations and discussion are all you have left. Adult conversations - who knew I would be having these at work and at home! Anyone out there been successful with this? ;-)
A season for letting go...
What is becoming clearer for me as each day goes by, navigating the way through this adult-adult mother-son relationship is that the timing of this next phase is almost here. It's a feeling of readiness that is growing inside me and I am grateful for the way things have turned out. You see when my sons came back from their missions, I swore that they were never going to go away again! I said it, but always knew in my heart that this was not going to be my reality - but as I touched and kissed them every day for the first few months, this feeling of readiness to let go started to sprout. They have been home 9 months now, both been at University, they teach a Missionary Preparation class, go to church, are both dating - although long distance for now, traveled overseas on their own to spend time with their girlfriends, and they go out with friends. All of these things are normal and in a way preparing me for this time and the season. I feel like I am going to be ready ;-) There! I've said it :-)
Accepting the 'new' look motherhood
When I think about the boys leaving, I sometimes get sad and I figure it is because I am in fact mourning for that part of my life that is over. Mourning for the doting mother, who ran around doing
things for her child, and who even on their missions maintained the intensity of her role of mother (which never decreased just because the boys were overseas), who with typical (of me - those who know me will agree) gusto sent them packages (at great expense), emailed weekly with photos, and kept a photographic journal of her life while they were away etc, all of which to fulfill her yearning need to be 'that' mother.. All of that part of my life has been lived and is over. And what is left is moving through this transition and accepting this new version of being a mother and parent. The 'in your face' parenting has gone - replaced with being available when needed. With this, is the next phase for me and that is learning to trust that what I have done, everything I have done for my sons, has prepared them to be better than me, to love their children more than I did, and to launch them better than I am. Isn't this the ultimate role of a parent - to raise children to have more than what you had adn to be able to live without you! I accept this, well, learning to accept this and look forward to seeing how this all pans out ;-)
So there you have - launching - what it really feels like for a mother, well this mother! Does it make me crazy? Perhaps it has brought out the kooky-ness in me - but lets be real, there was already so much kooky-ness there in the first place ;-) Seriously and truthfully, I know for sure, I am going to do this 'launching' business the best I can - because after all, that is all each one of us can do - our very best!
Take care of you - love your children well, because, too soon - they will leave...
Yours in friendship,
Mxo
Get going!
Being a parent of an adult child. Now that is something else. Some days, I feel like the mother in this cartoon and want them gone like a fly on a summer day. I know people who have employed the tactic of giving their children a 'magic' age, when their child is deemed old enough to look after themselves - outside of the home and independent of their parents. Some of these children have gone on to flourish, and some left well before their 'age/number' kicked in and others have not. And although I sometimes wish I had given the boys the number of 21, now they are 21, I am glad that was a discussion we NEVER had - because although they may be ready - I AIN'T - yet, almost but not quite yet ;-).
Parental expectations
SO what's the problem? It's not really a problem - its just that your baby just got ADULT ;-) And here you are, in the same body, the same person as you were when they were a baby - just a bit older (and in case - waaaay heavier :-)), and still a parent. All the expectations you had as a parent, do not automatically disappear when your children are living with you and this is the first thing you need to overcome - because although you may not have changed - EVERYTHING has CHANGED. Gone are the rewards and punishments that you would engage when your children were babies, like grounding, or taking the phone off, giving gold star stickers etc and what you are left with are conversations - like adults - I know when sometimes, all you want to do is a good old drop-kick - no!! reasonable conversations and discussion are all you have left. Adult conversations - who knew I would be having these at work and at home! Anyone out there been successful with this? ;-)
A season for letting go...
What is becoming clearer for me as each day goes by, navigating the way through this adult-adult mother-son relationship is that the timing of this next phase is almost here. It's a feeling of readiness that is growing inside me and I am grateful for the way things have turned out. You see when my sons came back from their missions, I swore that they were never going to go away again! I said it, but always knew in my heart that this was not going to be my reality - but as I touched and kissed them every day for the first few months, this feeling of readiness to let go started to sprout. They have been home 9 months now, both been at University, they teach a Missionary Preparation class, go to church, are both dating - although long distance for now, traveled overseas on their own to spend time with their girlfriends, and they go out with friends. All of these things are normal and in a way preparing me for this time and the season. I feel like I am going to be ready ;-) There! I've said it :-)Accepting the 'new' look motherhood
So there you have - launching - what it really feels like for a mother, well this mother! Does it make me crazy? Perhaps it has brought out the kooky-ness in me - but lets be real, there was already so much kooky-ness there in the first place ;-) Seriously and truthfully, I know for sure, I am going to do this 'launching' business the best I can - because after all, that is all each one of us can do - our very best!
Take care of you - love your children well, because, too soon - they will leave...
Yours in friendship,
Mxo
