Dear Nan

On Friday night I went to a tangi for a sister of one of my managers. As the tupapaku (body) was being brought onto the Marae - the karanga heavy with grief was stirring and emotional. However, it was who came with the tupapaku that affected me. Although saddened by watching her grieving husband, her sons and daughters, and siblings accompanying this loved woman, what broke my composure was the sea of 40+ tamariki and rangatahi (children and youth) that followed. These babies were obviously her mokopuna (grandchildren) and the sound of crying, sniffling and sobbing was heartbreaking. As it was time to sit, they were all pressed up to their Nan, so close to each other, that it looked like they couldn't get close enough and I cried for them - because their loss was so real.

It reminded me of my mother's passing and the impact of her loss on her mokopuna. It's been three years since her passing (May 24th), so after reflecting on my recent experience, I asked my mother's moko (my children and 3 nieces) for the one thing they missed about their Nan in their own words (so not a long blog today ;-))

I dedicate this to all the Nans out there. You make a difference and hold a revered place in the hearts of our babies, and I join the chorus of parents who thank you for providing the link from our hearts to theirs.

1) I miss Nan's Cooking
14 now: 11 at the time of Nan's passing
When asked what it was about her cooking this particular moko missed - the answer was that it was 'yum'. My mother always said she couldn't cook - but to her moko - her cooking was beautiful. Her baking is missed, her fresh bread, scones, slices, cinnamon buns (maybe I added those for me?), and the fact that she collected more recipes than she had time to make them. Her pantry was always stacked with goodies dedicated for her moko and her only son (my brother). Nans spoil our children!

2) I miss talking to her
14 now: 11 at the time of Nan's passing
This particular moko does not talk much, so this was pretty significant for him. When I asked him what does he remember talking about I tried to prompt him with the things my mother said they had discussed and he would share with her like "Nan, what am I going to do when you die? What am I going to do?" and so on. I asked if he remembered saying this and he said "No." Then he piped up "I did ask her if I could have her house when she died?" :-) Nans can break down communication barriers.

3) Nan used to buy me NEW clothes
9 now: 6 at the time of Nan's passing
I asked this moko "What did Nan buy you?" to which my niece replied "pjamas (PJs) and a 'costume' for my birthdays, like new shorts and a new top." I asked her, "How did this make you feel babe?" her reply was simple - "Special". My mother used to have a very very good relationship with Pumpkin Patch and other clothing outlets ;-) Every birthday and christmas her moko got a new outfit. She was renowned for buying in the off-season and stashing them away. The trouble is that those clothes had a habit of coming out of the stash 'just because'. For Easter - she did not buy eggs, instead buying pairs of pjamas for each of her moko which was always a buzz for a room full of moko. Nan's make better santas than santa!

4) I miss her cuddles
16 now: 13 at the time of Nan's passing
My beautiful niece held a special place in her Nan's heart as she was our first. When I asked her what she missed most about Nan, she told me that it was her cuddles. So I asked "how did her cuddles make you feel?", to which she replied "it made me feel happy and loved." A Nan's cuddle is priceless.

5) I miss Nan's voice
12 now: 9 at the time of Nan's passing
When I asked this moko, what she missed the most - her instant reply was "her hugs", but because her big sister had tagged that one, her reply was "Nan's voice". I asked her what she missed about her voice, and we shared laughter as we recalled her Nan calling her often as this moko was her worker and help mate. Actually 'often' is an understatement, - her name was called regularly!!;-) When I asked my niece "How did it make you feel hearing her call for you all the time?", she replied, "it put a smile on my face even when she was growling me." The voice of a Nan is magical.

We miss you mum. See you in the hereafter.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

To my beautiful niece - Happy 16th birthday!!!

To my beautiful niece,

I thought I would dedicate my blog to you on this wonderful day. A day that marks the start to a magical dawn of awesome possibilities, a little bit of scary things, huge decisions with miles and miles of potential - your 16th birthday.

Here are my five birthday wishes for you beautiful....

1)You are loved and treasured
Babe, don't ever forget that you are loved by those around you and a treasured part of our lives - especially in the lives of those that have gone on and those who are still waiting to come. You are the first baby that I ever saw born and I thank your mother that I was able to hold you when you were minutes old (my first and last ;-))My love was sealed on that day because you were the most beautiful baby on the planet!!

I know at times it may feel that no one 'gets' you or that you may be alone, or that you are not good enough - but at that moment, babe, remember you are precious and you are loved, by someone who is waiting to hear from you in a prayer.. you are never alone.

2)Learn from your Aunty's mistakes
My second wish is for you to learn from my mistakes (and I include your father's here as well ;-)). Use the lessons from these errors in judgement as lightstones to line your path through this life. If you make a mistake and even repeat one of the many we have made - kei te pai babe. We are still here and living life, so surely it couldn't have been that bad. It's going to kill us to see you hurt, but we will be there to help you live through any slips.... and unfortunately there will probably be some of those babe ;-)

3)Future full of memories worth reliving
My third wish for you is to live a life that once you get to my age and older - that when you reflect on it - you smile more than anything else... Make the best out of your life darling. Take calculated risks and live outside of your little box. Travel, and get an education and enjoy yourself. An education is a must babe!! Just don't forget to write to me while you are doing it ;-)

4)Friends that are worthy of your friendship
My fourth wish is that you will blessed to have a circle of friends who will end up seeing you through the ups and downs of life without adding to your burdens. I wish you a life of friends that share their dreams and troubles without miminising yours and making you feel like you have to change so that you don't outshine theirs. I wish you friends that in thirty years time that when they call you - the years slip away and you can still talk on the phone for hours...

5)Love like mine and Uncles :-)
My last birthday wish is for you that in years to come that you will find someone who treats you like a princess.I was just a few years older than you when I found Uncle and the rest is history ;-) However I nearly missed him altogether because I was in a hurry, so my wish for you is that you use the years to come to look out for things that you want in a companion and stick to that babe. Don't be in a hurry babe.... and hopefully he will be just like Uncle - only better at cooking ;-)

Love you forever,

Aunty Mxox

Go, Son, Go!!!!

I love my sons and yes, I have to admit - that when they play sports I am alittle loud at times. In my defence, it is always, in support of the instructions the coach has given... So when my son asked if it was alright if his father went to a Touch final instead of me it made me think...

The first time this particular son asked me to stop 'shouting' at him was when he was playing basketball at the ripe old age of ten. What he called shouting I called "getting his intention to remind him of how to play", like reminding him to "put your arms up son", "get the ball son!!" or "don't let him get your ball son!!" and always with a bit of "way to go son!!" and "go, son, go!!" I couldn't believe that out of all the parents, the only voice he heard was mine. I wish I could say that it was the only voice that mattered, but apparently it was the very one that wounded him. He did not find then, or recently, any of it to be motivating or otherwise.

So yesterday, we are preparing to go to my sons' first Rugby game since they were 5 years old, and I am more than excited. My son turns and says "Mum, have you read the Code of Conduct for Parents and Supporters yet?", "The what?" I ask. He then goes and grabs this document he has been leaving around for his number one supporter to read and obviously hadn't picked up, and..... ohmigosh what a timely document his High School has released.

Here are my top five picks (there must be some excited parents at this High School because there are ELEVEN considerations) :-).

MY CODE OF CONDUCT PICK ONE
Being part of a team is a commitment; assist your son to live up to his commitments, Do not accept your son letting his team mates and coaches down.

This is a great one for teaching children the importance of being in a team. It is something my husband and I feel very strongly about, and so pleased that our sons are learning this lesson first hand. What an awesome High School that encourages parents to teach this!

MY CODE OF CONDUCT PICK TWO
Show appreciation for the people who make it possible for your son to play sport. They are invariably volunteers and are involved because they enjoy the game.

This is a lesson that I am still learning.My husband reminds me all the time that their coach is just a parent like us and not the All Black or All White (last year) coach ;-)"Yes" he tells me "You are right - but would you just keep quiet!!" :-)

MY CODE OF CONDUCT PICK THREE

Watch your son play whenever possible.

Nothing is more satisfying than watching your children play anything. We have friends who run themselves raggard on Saturday mornings to get to all if not most of their children's games. I thank them for their example to me. Our children are worth the investment of our time.

MY CODE OF CONDUCT PICK FOUR

Remember your son is playing sport for his reasons not yours

I love it and thank the High School for reminding many parents of this!! For me it is important for my sons to learn how to be part of a team - because in the big corporate world, team work is a skill that many people struggle with. Playing team sports helps bridge that gap, and provides years of experience without having to go to uni for one day. This is hilarious because I just asked my son why he was playing Rugby – and his answer simply was "because Soccer is boring".

MY CODE OF CONDUCT PICK FIVE

Sport is about having a positive attitude. You can assist in setting a postive tone and help to make sport an enjoyable experience

This is a skill that as parents we need to learn and learn well - because I have been with children who have felt totally destroyed by their parents commentary and made a promise to myself never to do that to my sons... and it is pretty hard after some games ;-)Be positive and make it a good experience otherwise they will never want to 'try' again.

I congratulated myself after the tournament yesterday because I had kept most of the code of conduct. My son got the first try in the first game - and I did cheer him on then beeped our truck horn for added measure! ;-) Luckily my son heard the horn and was okay with that….. but he didn’t hear his prideful mother yelling at the top of her lungs "Go, Son, Go!!!"

Yours in friendship

Mxox

War Stories

I have never served in a war and I don’t particularly rate my chances or suitability of being a soldier. I usually let my sister do the physical fighting because she has always been the ‘strong’ one and I can be found one of two or more steps behind her. I would rather talk my way through conflict, so in terms of the things I know about war – I would not have lived long ;-)

This is what I have learnt from the wars of those that have gone before. These are now my war stories:

WAR STORY ONE – Pearl Harbour

I was born on the other side of the Island from Pearl Habour, yet it took me over 30 years to visit it. By then I had two little boys and it was more like a day trip rather than the most sobering event of my time in Hawaii. The tour starts with a video presentation and then you get on a boat and travel to a floating platform above the resting place of the USS Arizona. The USS Arizona was left there as a memorial to the loss of life that was suffered so many years before.

In that small area of water there were many other ships that were cut down and it was easy to imagine what it may have been like. I shamelessly shed tears on that day as I watched the oil from the sunken boat rising to the surface and saw the wall of names of the people who were killed during that conflict. I will never forget that experience and on Anzac Day it is a memory that is easily recalled.

WAR STORY TWO – My fallen soldier - Tame Bryers

A few years ago, our little family went to the Auckland Museum to take advantage of the renovations that had been undertaken. One of the main rooms is dedicated to the fallen soldiers of war. It is a white hall- like room with high ceilings and is covered from wall to wall in names of the men who were killed in the First World War. I knew that my grandmother’s brother was killed there, so I searched the walls for his name – and there he was. I can’t explain how touched I was to see his name recorded as someone who had lost his life so that I could have a better one. It served as another sobering reminder of consequences of war. I always knew him as Tame Bryers and was pleasantly surprised to find him in the 28th Maori Battalion database as Thomas Peter Waiata Bryers, Serial No: 25824. His Next of kin on enlistment was Mr E.N. Bryers (father), Rural Delivery, Okaihau, New Zealand. Uncle Tame reached the rank of Corporal and died on the 20th of April 1943 in Tunisia.

WAR STORY THREE – Pioneer Maori Battalion

Today I sat in a meeting where the speakers were talking about their experiences of military service and/of living through war times. The average age of the presenters was 70 years of age and I loved listening to their comments. Of significance was the father of one of my high school friends who served in the Special Forces

for New Zealand. He taught me about the little known Maori Pioneer Battalion who preceeded the 28th Maori Battalion. These men were never rated as soldiers yet their contribution was significant.
They were a group of 500 Maori men who went before the others and prepared roads, and dug trenches, all while being attacked themselves. What a wonderful service they provided - and are the unsung heroes of that time for me.

WAR STORY FOUR – The Love of those left behind
I was deeply touched by my friend's father who talked about his own father who having been a soldier abroad, and having returned home albiet unwell from the effects of the war, passed on three months before his son was born. The impact of this is that the son never ever met his father. When the son eventually joined the military he enquired of his commanding officer what the significance was of a set of medals that he had been playing with as a child, After a few days his commanding officer presented him with a dossier of the life of his father, and it was in reading this, that he finally came to know his father from his physical traits to any positions that he held. I gained an understanding of the strength of knowledge, love and the importance of relationships between a father and his son.

WAR STORY FIVE – Maori Battalion
For many this is called the Maori Battalion March to Victory composed by B Company’s Anania (Nan) Amohau and set to the music of an American marching song which became the Battalion’s rallying cry. To me, it represents the thousands of men who died so that I never have to become a soldier, and can live free in the land that I love.
Maori Battalion march to victory
Maori Battalion staunch and true
Maori Battalion march to glory
Take the honour of your people with you
You will march, march, march to the enemy
And will fight right to the end
For God, for King and Country au e
Ake ake Kia kaha e

Have a great week whanau.

Yours in friendship,
 
Mxox

Date Night

On Friday I went to the movie Date Night with a friend and I haven't laughed as much as I did for a long time. If you haven't heard - its a movie about a couple (the Fosters) who have been married for some time and life has drifted into ho-hum times; working, looking after children, home, work, children, home and so on. When one of their friends announce their marriage breakup - referring to their marriage as a couple of people who had become 'excellent roomates' -  it sparks the Fosters to rethink things and go a bit wild by spending their date night in 'town' - and there starts their adventure. I laughed throughout the movie because the conversations rang true -everyone one of them.

Instead of writing about the five lessons I learnt from the movie, I thought I would find five popular date ideas - that anyone could do. Some are hiliarious, some are things that we have tried, and others may be an alternate idea to try again. Whether the date ideas have been tested or not, the one thing I do know is that trying to 'hook up' with someone we love it not enough - we really have to make it happen and be resentful of anything that may impact on that time and activity. Here we go....

DATE NIGHT IDEA ONE - Learn to Dance
From http://www.getromantic.com/ was suggested that a great idea for a date is to take dance lessons.

How many of us, can aswer the same as in the movie Date Night when Tina was asked "when was the last time she had danced with her husband?", she answered - "our wedding day"?. I have a friend who took up dancing with her husband when her children left home, now they enter competitions and she loves it. Is it for you?

DATE NIGHT IDEA TWO - Go out for Pizza

From http://www.redbookmag.com/, Amy Keyishian suggests that when you go out 

for pizza - ask the pizza people to cut the pie into the shape of a heart. Can you imagine the look on their face as well as your partner when most of the good bits have been cut off ;-) Its a thoughtful suggestion - maybe not one of the best suggestions - but you can not go past a great pizza :-)

DATE NIGHT IDEA THREE - Star gazing

This must be pretty popular because it came up a few times. According to http://www.hotdateideas.com/  all you need is a blanket and some munchies and watch the stars and its pretty romantic. I think its funny because we have tried to do things on our deck and/or under the stars, and have instead rushed back indoors because it was too cold....maybe we aren't romantic enough - or old, or just too fussy ;-). Alternatives to this is going on to your roof, or balcony (who has one of those?) and watch shooting stars....

DATE NIGHT IDEA FOUR - Picnic and movie

Another popular idea that seems to be floating around is filling a room with candles

and sitting on the floor and having an indoors picnic while watching a movie. I haven't sat on the floor to eat my food for a very long time - so not sure how that would go - but lighting candles and having them dotted around the house, bathroom, hallway all seem to top the romantic list :-)

And my favourite...

DATE NIGHT IDEA FIVE- Write a letter

http://www.coolestdates.com/ suggested for the agegroup between 40-49, that you show up with two pieces of stationary with envelopes (one for each of you) and some paper and pens. You then write each other a letter describing how you feel about the other person or anything special about the relationship and where you think you'll be or what you think you'll be doing in a certain amount of time. Then, agree to open your notes in a week, month or year. What a wonderful idea to remind each other of the reason why....

So there you go - five date night ideas. If you have more, drop them down and share....

Have a great week.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

Being a Kiwi Mum..

In the newspaper lately the findings of an online study into the psyche of Kiwi mums was released and showed that of the 4708 women that answered, just over 80% of women are feeling overwhelmed, undersupported, unsexy and terrified of making the wrong choices.

Honestly, I am definitely one of these women. I feel all of these things on any given day, or at least one or more of these ALL day. After 40 years, I have finally got my "stuff" together and now, after years of torment, I am finally happy being who I am, where I work, what I do, who I am with, and where I am going on most days.

The authors of this study suggested tips on how to get reclaim their 'sexiness' which I found to be reasonable - and chose my top five. My choices had nothing to do with being sexy but more about finding that strong woman who dwells inside everyone one of us.

TIP ONE - Reconnect with your passion
"Reconnect with what you enjoyed before children."
I think this is great advice but for me, my passions changed because I had children. I added another dimension to what I was already interested in. So, you may find that has happened for you. I would suggest that it would be better to find something that you are passionate about while your children are growing or do something that supports you while you are being a mum. Just remember when you are starting out, or on your own, you aren't going to have a lot of resources, including time - so learn patience quickly ;-)

TIP TWO - Spend time around other happy and positive mums
I think this is also great advice. When you are with people that are like minded (as long as your minds are positive) you will be able to make things happen. It is a skill that you can learn early and apply into your professional life and practice. Surround yourself with good people. If the mothers you hang out with are moaners - move on - otherwise they will end up sucking the life out of you...

TIP THREE - Drown out the noise
You don't always have to listen to what everyone else is telling you to do
I love this advice. I have to admit being a mother is pretty noisy up there in our minds and heads. But we need to be more like the American Idol contestants who, after getting conflicting advice week after week from the judges, were asked "who are you going to follow this week, Randy or Simon?" to which they replied "myself". Own it ladies - you know yourself the best, and like every doctor I visited with my children, told me - "You know your children better than I do :-)". So listen to yourself.

TIP FOUR - Give up the guilt
Give up the guilt - it's a wasted emotion for mums.
I love it and couldn't say it better myself.

And my favourite....

TIP FIVE - Remember
Remember that hearing the word "mummy" is a gift, not a given - many women have trouble even conceiving, so it's important to remember that being a mother is something to be thankful for.
I love this tip because just the other day I had a 'woe be me' moment because I didn't have a daughter - but hey I have two handsome sons, so I quickly checked myself and started counting my blessings again! Sometimes the self adjustment takes longer but the opportunity to be a mother is indeed something to be thankful for. Never forget it ladies....

So, I guess - after all these tips, nothing is more sexier/attractive than a woman who is 'right' in her head, meaning she forgives herself of her flaws while being happy, kind, loving, confident, and satisfied with being herself.

Have a great week.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

MOSES - a leadership model

In the organisation that I work for I am privileged to be a part of forum that meets once a month where we discuss how we can improve the quality of educational leadership, services and products that we are engaged in through our different roles.

At one of these meetings, after returning from some time spent with leaders from across the United States at Harvard University, a Kaihautu (Director of Education) presented us with a leadership scenario that he studied and discussed while he was away. It was entitled 'Moses and the Israelites'. We then went on to discuss the leadership traits/characteristics/style that Moses displayed in leading the Israelites out of bondage and into the land "flowing with milk and honey".

This is what I learnt from the leadership of Moses

1) Leaders are born and are made
Moses should not have been alive for there to be a story about him. Instead his mother broke the law to save her son by putting him in a basket and sending him away. Pharoah’s sister also broke the law and having felt compassion for the little stowaway raised him as her own. That is more than luck – some believe it is foreordination – he was fore ordained to be alive and eventually lead the people to freedom. I believe that he was born to be a leader of the people just as I believe that many of us are born to be something in our own lives and to our children and family.

2) Leaders need to have convictions
Once Moses realised what his mission was, he had to go back to the people that he was raised with and tell them that they had got a few things wrong. Now that takes conviction and because of that he was not afraid, of if he was afraid, he did it anyway because he believed it to be right. Leaders need to have the fortitude to stand by what they believe in even if is different to the people who once were their friends.

3) Leaders know their weaknesses
When Moses was called to be the leader - he was reluctant to take it on. He was a realist and knew that one of his weaknesses was with speaking. I'm not sure if he had an impediment or just that he was not a convincing or strong speaker - but whatever it was, his requests for help were answered by Aaron became his spokesman. A leader knows their own weaknesses and are confident enough to surround themselves with people who can fill any skill gaps.

4) Leadership is not easy
The people of Israel were slaves for generations before Moses led them out of Egypt. The by-product of this was that they had been used to being given directions and followed them to the letter. So when they left their homes for the promise of a land of freedom - only to find that they were to trek for some time without the pleasures of their former life, they began to murmur(rebel, moan, discontent). Moses ended up leading this murmuring people for 40 years wandering the wilderness without getting to the land that he knew was there for them. If you are leading a dysfunctional team, I would hope that you would not be doing so for 40 years - but take courage from Moses that despite it all - he continued leading that people and never lost a milligram of integrity. The people eventually got to where they needed to go and because of that we now talk about him hundreds of years later...

5) Leaders ask for help
One of the best characteristics of Moses was that for everything that the people rquested of him - Moses always sought help. The tasks before him was huge and he knew that. Asking for help, or consulting with others to help you develop your own answer - is not a sign of weakness. Instead it is a strength and skill that will make us, as it did Moses a well-rounded leader. He was better supported in his decisions because of it.

What we need to realise is that when leadership is done well, - it can be worthwhile, and for those that we lead, and the ones that follow - finding the land flowing with milk and honey is definitely possible.

Yours in friendship

Mxox