Happy Feet

Recently, while I was being driven back to pick up my car, I got to spend some time with one of my friends. She was one of the people who helped drag me back from wherever I was hurtling towards and guided me onto this path of self-discovery and recovery and I, along with Mr and our children will always be grateful for that!! Anyway, we got to talking and I was explaining where I am in life and I told her the only word I could use to describe my life now was 'happy'. As I went on and on I realised that although this word is soo inadequate - it was the only word I could use.

My life isn't perfect (obviously I would have used the word perfect instead ;-)), I have bills we can't pay, teenagers who test me daily, and a lovely husband that comes from Venus when Mars is where he should be ;-) But the difference is that when I may have had a moan that my husband was always late home, I now think - "Hang on chick!! - some husbands never come home - by either death or because they chose to be with someone else!" Being happy is a choice - make the decision to be happy!

I remember watching the movie "This is It" - the last filiming done of Michael Jackson (who I have always loved!!) What struck me was that he was always moving. It was as if his body was itself a musical instrument - that he was the music or the music was him. It has been something that I think about often and more recently in regards to happiness - like the little penguin called Mumble on Happy Feet. Instead of being able to sing, Mumble made music with his feet. We are like Mr Jackson and Mumble - we are all happy instruments and are in control of how much happy we feel, play, make, and are! Happy starts from inside. Be a happy instrument!!

I have a friend who posts really positive words on her facebook page every morning where she wishes everyone a happy day and when she closes at night - she adds more positive words. Reading her posts is like getting a daily 'fix'.  She is making other people's day even if in reality hers is not going very well at all.... We should always leave people better off than when we found them and to always remember that. Surround yourself with people who are happy because happiness is contagious.

Recently, I came across a quote from Brooke Shields who said "Don’t waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window or break down a door." This is such a good one - because although we are our own happy instruments - it takes work to keep happy!!:-) I don't see Ms Shields is saying that we should just roll over when things go bad - but rather - get up, keep moving and work it!!

Here is what I know: I am the happiest I have been for the first time in years - because I have been in the depths of sadness before. I am happy in my job because I have been unemployed and restricted in the contributions I make to my family's income. I am happy with Mr, because I know that life without him would be worse. I am happyish with my house (except the toilet, bathroom, bedrooms, carpet etc ;-)) - because I know that many people are living on the streets.... I am happy to be a mother, because sooo many people can't be. Be grateful for what you have and happiness will find you.

I could carry on and try and tell you how to be happy, I can even share with you what happiness is but in the end it comes down to you: 1) Make the choice to be happy, 2) Let happiness start from inside, 3) Surround yourself with happy people because happiness is contagious, 4) be prepared to work to be happy, and 5) Be grateful for what you have and happiness will find you.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Kindness Begins with.........

When I was little I was taught a song called "Kindness Begins with Me". It has been taught to children across the world in my faith for generations past, present and to come. Its tune is catchy, the words - simple "I want to be kind to everyone for that is right you see, so I say to myself remember this, kindness begins with me".... and the message long lasting.

I recently read an article by Stephanie Dowrick (http://www.stephaniedowrick.com) in a Good Health magazine called "Born to be Kind". At the time I was looking for something I could do to improve myself in the new year and liked the idea of BEING KIND and was something I could actually do....... Unfortunately heading into month three of 2012 - the motivation to be kind has not only worn off, but I have failed at it horribly! For this reason, I thought it was time to bring that article back and bump it up my 'Get Crackin M' list ;-) So for the next 21 days (in order to make it a habit ;-)) Kindness is really going begin with me - Dowrick styles - easy right? Right!ish....

Here are some of her suggestions.

Embrace yourself and your body
Dowrick suggests that we can do this by taking more care about how we regard ourselves as women and support other women to do the same. The other suggestion is that we appreciate our bodies, its health and what it allows us to experience. Who says being kind is going to be easy!?

Ban Criticism from your Relationship
Dowrick encourages us to 'ban' bad-tempered, critical comments or disparaging remarks for specific time periods. I'm going to try this from 3pm - 8:30pm - which covers the time I pick up the boys and their father comes home from work - and I reckon its going to be pretty quiet around these parts ;-), but by doing that Dowrick reports that I will be able to see a positive affect on my sense of self as well as my relationships. Some suggestions on the 'how' is to make a daily habit to notice what's right: be encouraging, and appreciative of the small things as well as the large. The most interesting one is that Dowrick suggests that we need to apologise for bad behaviour, rather than defending it.....hence, my turning a new leaf ;-)

Make Your Child (and Yourself) Likeable
Dowrick suggests we can achieve this by "teaching our children - by setting the example - to be the thoughful, delightful type of person that others want to be around. Show them how to have concern for others, to be courteous, enthusiastic, appreciative and interested. Teach our children the art of a meaningful apology and to teach our chidren that life is a precious fight that is to be celebrated every day."

Care More about Others
Dowrick suggests that we do this by being courteous - speaking kindly, showing interest and listening well. WE are encouraged to think about and take responsibily for how our words and actions, affect others. The last one is to CHOOSE to be kind and include other people instead of leaving them out.

Treat your partner as your Best Friend
Dowrick provides some things we can do to help us with our partners or other relationships we may have. 1)Deliberately cultivate a loving friendship with your partner - deliberately, sounds like making an effort...., 2) Show respect for, and an interest in each other, - for me this entails me sitting and watching endless hours of sports..., 3) validate and encourage each other every day - she says EVERY DAY - I got soo much work to do here.... and 4) talk and listen - this shouldn't be too hard given that Mr doesn't talk much.... just hope I don't fall asleep ;-) If I can do all of these things - and these habits are established -  Dowrick says that they will reduce the bad times and support the good. I can do this! - can you?

 Dowrick says that "when we are consistently kind to people, [our] trust and faith in [our] relationships increases, as does [our] self- esteen. This comes partly from knowing that [we] are capable of making good choices when it comes to [our] way of relating, and that [we] are capable of making amends if [we] hurt someone.... [Kindness] creates harmony between [us] and others and builds resilience and positivity."

Sooooo, as you can see there is much work to be done...... I wish us all the best in being kind to everyone. Here goes - 21 days of kindness coming up! ;-) Wish me well - because I am going to need it!!

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

What were you thinking?

I used to teach human development to Rangatahi who were starting to train as nurses or midwives and the one thing that I remember to this day is the phase that adolescents go through called - invincibility. This is where a young person has the perception that nothing negative is going to happen to them...

At that time I didn't have children and couldn't fathom what would make an otherwise normal human being all of a sudden assume the role of superman and transformer all at once. Several years later, I'm writing as a mother of two little super transformers that I pray will reach 25 years old and out of this phase ;-)

Anyway, recently, I have been reading The Politically Incorrect Guide to Teenagers by Nigel Latta and for the first time ever, someone actually explains what happens inside a young persons brain and after reading it - I felt a little bit better, still nervous and anxious, but better...

FACT ONE The brain is still developing in a teenager. I had always believed that the first three years were most important and anything past that was a bonus, but basically it was a done deal…. According to research, and Nigel Latta – the teenage brain is different from a child and an adult and in fact the changes that occur to the brain during this time are some of the most dramatic and important changes over the human lifespan.

FACT TWO The pre-frontal cortex is the last to develop. The part of the brain that is described as being the seat of reason is called the pre-frontal cortex. “This part of the brain is involved in such things as learning rules, understanding consequences, working memory, and how we make sense of emotions”. There seems to be a sudden increase of activity in this region which peaks at about 11 ye ars old for girls and later for boys…

FACT THREE Changes in the reward centre of a teenager's brain makes them prone to seek out the 'buzz' or short-term, risky activities. Because of this, teenagers seek out those things rather than focus on things that have long-term gain. According to research, this desire for this 'buzz' like feeling increases when they are around others of the same age. Latta writes about an experiment that had teenagers put in an MRI scanner and asked to do a simple task and watched the lights go off however, when the teenagers were told that  they were being watched by other teenagers, the screens light up like fireworks.... Parents know that  that when teenagers are with their friends they will take unnecessary risks - now nueroscience proves it.

FACT FOUR The wiring in the brain isn't fully insulated by the myelin sheeth until in the early twenties. This decreases the speed and efficiency of thinking. Latta compares this to a computer when he says that "whilst adults have the equivalent of high-speed connections between the left and right side of their brains, teenages are still working on the uninsulated dial-up version. Whilst we can point and click at mental web pages which load pretty much instantly, teenagers have to spend a bit longer wiating for the site to load before they can make a decision".

FACT FIVE Teenages can make good decisions in theory (such as not to swim with sharks), but it take them longer than adults to reach those decisions and they use different parts of their brain to do it. MRI scans showed that although when the same scenario is presented to adults and teenagers the decisions were the same - different parts of the brains were used. The adults were able to summon up the end 'picture' and made decisions immediately based on that outcome. Whereas it appears that teenagers break things down and go through each scenario and depend on rationalisation.... For me the most crucial bit of this is that teenagers can make good decisions - and I'm holding on to that ;-)

So you see - there is more to a teenager's brain than many of us knew and does it make a difference? For me it 1)explains how my sons are thinking and hopefully I am reminded that how I got to my decisions and thinking process won't even be close to theirs, and 2) I will also try to remember that my decisions are based on my life - and theirs is still being formulated.

Mr Latta may know what he is talking about but for me - the most important thing I got going for me is the faith that how I have raised my sons - will count for something ;-).

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Choices

We make choices everyday. Some of these are of no consequence - and others can be life changing. This week I have made both kinds and rather spectacularly, some have not been the best decisions either.

CHOICE ONE
Last week I received tickets to listen to a band. As the hype built up over the following days, so did my decision to go. I changed my attitude from being nonplussed - to actually attending. The problem was the venue. I had never been to a venue like that before because of my faith and beliefs. So why did I do it? After a few days of healthy self-reflection, the only logical reason I came come up with is 'peer pressure'. Yep, forty years old and still making choices based on not what others would think about me - because at forty I simply don't care anymore - but choices based on an invite to somewhere I would never have gone to before, by someone whose respect I value. The choice to attend this gig compromised my lifelong standards.What did I learn? I learnt that this choice, although the wrong one in so many ways - helped me solidify my standards yet again. Some choices help remind us of better ones made before.

CHOICE TWO
I have been living with a tooth problem for about three years. I had a root canal done in 2006 and a bit of the filling cracked and it was never the same again. Every now and then I would have a terrible toothache that I medicated with whatever I had, usually painkillers. A couple of months ago, an abcess developed that I found some penicillan that seemed to reduce the size and the pain. This week, I was quietly celebrating to myself that I could chew chewing gum on side of my mouth. So away I chew..... and glunk - out came the filling in my tooth that used to sit on top of the site of my root canal. Needless to say, a trip to the dentist, the very place I was trying to avoid - became a necessity - and no longer a choice. I learnt that some choices need to be made while we still have freedom to do so....

CHOICE THREE
I was part of a panel that was appointing a senior management role where I work and we narrowed the search to two candidates. I went with my gut feeling as to the quality of the applicant and my opinion was based on that. Some choices require trust in your own instincts and the value of good advice.

CHOICE FOUR
I had a report due this week and was running late. After being off work for two days, I decided to stay at work longer and write it before coming home. I had previously arranged to be home by 7pm  however when I checked the clock, I still had a bit of my report to go and it was already just past 7pm. In that instance I made the choice to stay at work and complete my report. I got the report done, but by then it was almost 9pm. I rang the boys and asked them why they hadn't called? Their father got on the phone and reported that there had been a power cut and the boys had been sitting in the dark for a couple of hours, sitting around with candles - and no way of contacting me.  Was my report worth having my two babies that I love more than life sitting in the dark without their mother? Some choices are are between good and better. My sons have to become the better choice for me!!

CHOICE FIVE
Yesterday my husband and I finally decided that we are going to get another car. He has traditionally chosen every vehicle we have owned for the last twenty years. However, he has finally decided that we will be deciding together what car we drive this year - and I cannot wait. I haven't owned a new car since, since, since - forever. This particular decision is the culmination of 20 years of car choosing domination that I am finally being let into. Some choices take patience ;-)

I am going to work on making better choices this week. I wish you well with yours.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

To my beautiful niece - Happy 16th birthday!!!

To my beautiful niece,

I thought I would dedicate my blog to you on this wonderful day. A day that marks the start to a magical dawn of awesome possibilities, a little bit of scary things, huge decisions with miles and miles of potential - your 16th birthday.

Here are my five birthday wishes for you beautiful....

1)You are loved and treasured
Babe, don't ever forget that you are loved by those around you and a treasured part of our lives - especially in the lives of those that have gone on and those who are still waiting to come. You are the first baby that I ever saw born and I thank your mother that I was able to hold you when you were minutes old (my first and last ;-))My love was sealed on that day because you were the most beautiful baby on the planet!!

I know at times it may feel that no one 'gets' you or that you may be alone, or that you are not good enough - but at that moment, babe, remember you are precious and you are loved, by someone who is waiting to hear from you in a prayer.. you are never alone.

2)Learn from your Aunty's mistakes
My second wish is for you to learn from my mistakes (and I include your father's here as well ;-)). Use the lessons from these errors in judgement as lightstones to line your path through this life. If you make a mistake and even repeat one of the many we have made - kei te pai babe. We are still here and living life, so surely it couldn't have been that bad. It's going to kill us to see you hurt, but we will be there to help you live through any slips.... and unfortunately there will probably be some of those babe ;-)

3)Future full of memories worth reliving
My third wish for you is to live a life that once you get to my age and older - that when you reflect on it - you smile more than anything else... Make the best out of your life darling. Take calculated risks and live outside of your little box. Travel, and get an education and enjoy yourself. An education is a must babe!! Just don't forget to write to me while you are doing it ;-)

4)Friends that are worthy of your friendship
My fourth wish is that you will blessed to have a circle of friends who will end up seeing you through the ups and downs of life without adding to your burdens. I wish you a life of friends that share their dreams and troubles without miminising yours and making you feel like you have to change so that you don't outshine theirs. I wish you friends that in thirty years time that when they call you - the years slip away and you can still talk on the phone for hours...

5)Love like mine and Uncles :-)
My last birthday wish is for you that in years to come that you will find someone who treats you like a princess.I was just a few years older than you when I found Uncle and the rest is history ;-) However I nearly missed him altogether because I was in a hurry, so my wish for you is that you use the years to come to look out for things that you want in a companion and stick to that babe. Don't be in a hurry babe.... and hopefully he will be just like Uncle - only better at cooking ;-)

Love you forever,

Aunty Mxox