Parenthood

Recently my husband and I were invited to join other parents on a panel  to answer some questions about parenthood. In the audience were about 20 + teenagers from about 14-17 years old.... two of which were our 15 year old twins.... 

1) What is the most enjoyable thing about being a parent?

My response: To hear the words "mum" and "mother".... I couldn't think of anything more enjoyable than that - except for when the word 'Mum' is followed in quick sucession with, "can I? ....can I?... can I?.... will you?.... awwww but mum". Maurice and I value being parents because we were told it was unlikely ever going to  a mum and a dad due to ongoing girly problems.... so hearing the word 'Mum' is pretty special ;-) What is yours?

2) What is the biggest challenge you face as a parent?

My response: As a mother of sons, my biggest challenge was being able to communicate with my babies... because my sons just stopped talking once they hit 13/14 years of age.... and I remember clearly when one of them was littler - and he used to yack and yack and yack until I had to ask him to be quiet so his brother could get a word in..... and now - SILENCE. What is yours?

3) How would you judge if your child was successful?

My response: I would  judge my children's success by them going on their missions, marrying in the temple (to someone who would let me have the grandchildren), going to university, getting a good job (and well off enough to keep me in my old age) . Obvsiously aimed to lift the mood of the room of teenagers - these fell flat on the floor and I didn't even get a smile from either of my two babeis... What I should have said and I wish I said so that my son's could hear - was I would judge my child's success when they are happy in what they do, where and how they do it, and is an outstanding father and loving husband.... it's all about how the game of life is played - not really anything to do with what you get at the end... How will you judge your child's success?

What is some advice you would give your children on how to be a good parent?

Well, by now my son's would have wished a big great gaping hole would have swallowed them alive... because when it came around to my turn -  I said something like don't try and find someone to marry now - you are young - be young, and enjoy - then I said something about the young women about letting the boys do their thing and don't interfere... I know I said that to the girls in the class - practically putting a great big warning out there ;-) I think that my son's believe that I totally destroyed any chance of them ever getting married now ;-) What is your advice?

How do I feel about the counsel given that our children have claim upon their parents for maintenance until they are of age?

I have absolutely no problem with this - It really is the only reason I work and live for. The question around - what is "of age" - well for me it's obvious - until they die...... I truly believe that... I brought my children into the world, so it is mine and my husband's responsibility to love them and look after them forever, even with grandchildren.... and I guess a wife ;-)

How would you have answered these questions?


Yours in friendship,


Mxox

Fathers teaching Fatherhood

Today I held a newborn baby in my arms for the first time in a very very long time. I looked down at this tiny little creature and tried to rack my brains for memories of holding mine and came up blank - that's how long its been... Instead I thought to myself - how did I do it? How did I get through those long nights and days without a clue? ... and then thankfully I handed baby back to his beautiful grandmother ;-)

The baby I was holding had his naming blessing today. Baby's father called on all the blessings a child would ever need to grow up strong and healthy. What impressed me was his request for his son to remain close to his mother! What a clever young (first-time) father he was... I am sure he learnt that from his own father who is a great example to me of a man who loves his wife and children....

Here is what I have learnt about fatherhood from five fathers...

1) From my Father in Heaven - Love abounding
I have learnt from my father in heaven that I am loved and that the love in which I receive is limitless, unconditional and abounding. I have read accounts of people who have have died and somehow returned (something called near death experiences) and the common thread amongst these strangers was the feeling of love they felt when they had moved into the next life. It was described in such a way that I know that it exists. What we feel towards each other is only a portion to what is to come and I for one am excited ;-)

2) From my father - The love of Music & Comedy
 My mother liked music but never played an instrument and although would sing aloud - was honest about her singing abilities (something shared with my brother and sister ;-)). Despite that, it was my mother who motivated me (seen as punishment as a young person) to get through my pianoforte exams and I will always  be grateful to her for that. However, my love for music definitely comes from my father. He cannot read music but can play any song note for note on the guitar. My favourites of his are Breezin by George Benson and Hotel California by the Eagles. I can even watch hours and hours of Michael Jackson with him without explanation - now that's love ;-) As for comedy - like I said last week - I have NEVER met a Samoan who was not funny ;-)This is something shared with my brother and sister....

3) From my brother - Fatherhood is playing.
My brother became a father at a very young age. I have watched him grow with his children (four daughters; one son) and although he is getting older - he is still young in heart and as such plays with his children. From him I have learnt that being a good father is playing with your children. He takes his children camping, hiking, swimming (in open sea), pig hunting, diving (for sea food), jumping off bridges (Raglan Walkbridge) and so on. He is lucky because besides his mother and at least one sister - his biggest fan has been his beautiful wife ;-) who allows him to do this...

4) From my father-in-law - Silence is Golden
Like my husband, my father-in-law is not a talker.... In fact none of the boys in the family are, and there are five of them. But you see - just because he doesn't talk much - doesn't mean that he doesn't teach. His example is louder than anything he could say. My husband learnt many things from his father by watching and following him. My father-in-law is a worker, a real plodder, and the go-to guy when you needed some kind of support with anything. He is innovative and a man who works with his hands - some things my husband is still learning ;-) and hopefully will catch up. I love my father-in-law.

5) From my husband - Being constant
My children are blessed to have a father who is constant. His values and priorities remain unwavering. His counsel to them will always be straight and laced with love. He is my partner in parenthood and I wouldn't or couldn't have asked for more.

So from the fathers in my life - thank you for teaching me every day.

Happy Father's Day.

Mxox

Go, Son, Go!!!!

I love my sons and yes, I have to admit - that when they play sports I am alittle loud at times. In my defence, it is always, in support of the instructions the coach has given... So when my son asked if it was alright if his father went to a Touch final instead of me it made me think...

The first time this particular son asked me to stop 'shouting' at him was when he was playing basketball at the ripe old age of ten. What he called shouting I called "getting his intention to remind him of how to play", like reminding him to "put your arms up son", "get the ball son!!" or "don't let him get your ball son!!" and always with a bit of "way to go son!!" and "go, son, go!!" I couldn't believe that out of all the parents, the only voice he heard was mine. I wish I could say that it was the only voice that mattered, but apparently it was the very one that wounded him. He did not find then, or recently, any of it to be motivating or otherwise.

So yesterday, we are preparing to go to my sons' first Rugby game since they were 5 years old, and I am more than excited. My son turns and says "Mum, have you read the Code of Conduct for Parents and Supporters yet?", "The what?" I ask. He then goes and grabs this document he has been leaving around for his number one supporter to read and obviously hadn't picked up, and..... ohmigosh what a timely document his High School has released.

Here are my top five picks (there must be some excited parents at this High School because there are ELEVEN considerations) :-).

MY CODE OF CONDUCT PICK ONE
Being part of a team is a commitment; assist your son to live up to his commitments, Do not accept your son letting his team mates and coaches down.

This is a great one for teaching children the importance of being in a team. It is something my husband and I feel very strongly about, and so pleased that our sons are learning this lesson first hand. What an awesome High School that encourages parents to teach this!

MY CODE OF CONDUCT PICK TWO
Show appreciation for the people who make it possible for your son to play sport. They are invariably volunteers and are involved because they enjoy the game.

This is a lesson that I am still learning.My husband reminds me all the time that their coach is just a parent like us and not the All Black or All White (last year) coach ;-)"Yes" he tells me "You are right - but would you just keep quiet!!" :-)

MY CODE OF CONDUCT PICK THREE

Watch your son play whenever possible.

Nothing is more satisfying than watching your children play anything. We have friends who run themselves raggard on Saturday mornings to get to all if not most of their children's games. I thank them for their example to me. Our children are worth the investment of our time.

MY CODE OF CONDUCT PICK FOUR

Remember your son is playing sport for his reasons not yours

I love it and thank the High School for reminding many parents of this!! For me it is important for my sons to learn how to be part of a team - because in the big corporate world, team work is a skill that many people struggle with. Playing team sports helps bridge that gap, and provides years of experience without having to go to uni for one day. This is hilarious because I just asked my son why he was playing Rugby – and his answer simply was "because Soccer is boring".

MY CODE OF CONDUCT PICK FIVE

Sport is about having a positive attitude. You can assist in setting a postive tone and help to make sport an enjoyable experience

This is a skill that as parents we need to learn and learn well - because I have been with children who have felt totally destroyed by their parents commentary and made a promise to myself never to do that to my sons... and it is pretty hard after some games ;-)Be positive and make it a good experience otherwise they will never want to 'try' again.

I congratulated myself after the tournament yesterday because I had kept most of the code of conduct. My son got the first try in the first game - and I did cheer him on then beeped our truck horn for added measure! ;-) Luckily my son heard the horn and was okay with that….. but he didn’t hear his prideful mother yelling at the top of her lungs "Go, Son, Go!!!"

Yours in friendship

Mxox

All the single ladies....

I was raised by a single lady! Despite not having much, my sister, brother and I were loved, we were educated,grew to be good citizens,we eventually married and she went on to be the perfect grandmother.Her lessons permeate my life even after her death.

I am surrounded by women like her and marvel and am amazed at the the things that they overcome and achieve just to get through a day. These women raise their children alone by choice because they chose to stand by their convictions, religion, beliefs, and never compromised which left them without husbands, partners and with fatherless children. There are women who have found themselves lost in a marriage, and are moving forward to a new life in the search for themselves. Many of these women were humiliated and discarded by their wayward husbands.

These women are my friends, and I dedicate this blog to them and thank them for the lessons they teach me.

1) Dignity
From my mother I learnt about dignity. She never spoke bad about the people that hurt her and to me that restraint made her even more precious. We eventually learnt for ourselves the character of others as we experienced them and were not coloured and tainted by hers.

2) Courageous
Being a single mother/lady raising children alone is not a choice one makes lightly. For the single woman that is teaching me the lesson on courage - this is so true. When it appears easier to return to a life she is familiar, yet was so miserable, it is the path that will take more courage leading her to finding herself, that, she is following. She is courageous not only for herself but for her children, and I admire her for that.

3) Parenting with God
One of my favourite sayings/mantras of my friend’s is that she is not a “single parent because she is parenting with God”. And this is how she lives - her life is filled with children, yet there is room for her Father in Heaven who provides the unwavering support that she needs. Her teachings are Christ centred – and it hasn’t made things easy, but it is making a difference. Return to your convictions to find the added strength you will need.


4) Friendship - 'It takes a village to raise a child'
What I learnt is that being a friend with a single parent/mother/lady is not something to be taken lightly. These women already have a full life dealing with being the sole provider for their family so they don’t have time for girly friend games. You are either in a friendship or not. Being in, means you are there to babysit, you get to hear the sad stories, the screaming at the top of lungs, troubles, worries, fears, and the good times. If you are ‘in’ you are committing to being part of a ‘village’ that will help her raise her babies. If you can’t do these things – then you are wasting her time. She has already been let down by a partner that did not have ‘her back’ – and she certainly does not need any more dramas. So make up your mind – she doesn’t have time to do it for you.

5) Humour
A single mother’s life is intense – yet is made up of some hilarious moments. So I’ve learnt to share in the sound of laughter in her home or in our conversations. She’ll have enough things going on in her life to provide the remaining gamet of emotions. Help her laugh (and cry) at herself, at her children, at the world, at anything and everything. It’s when she laughs that the healing can get in and she will become whole again - and you want to be there when that happens.

I love these women, and the few men that find themselves in this situation as well ;-) Have a great week people.

Yours in friendship

Mxox