Launching....

A life ago, I used to teach human development to a group of rangatahi (young people) who were moving towards either being a midwife or a nurse. It was a great job, and to be honest I am sure I learnt more than anyone else! One thing I used to teach which still  gets me every time is something called LAUNCHING - basically its the time in the development of a human, when an adult/parent lets their children go and these offspring are literally launched or propelled into life on their own without you.

Well - its coming up that time for me and I have to tell you - it ain't easy for this mama bear! I kind of know what to expect because our sons left home for two years to serve an LDS mission in the Dominican Republic. But this time, there is no expectation for them to return... and to be honest an expectation that they will NOT return...

I know my friends try and tell me to "harden up" and "get used to it" and "better still to wait until I get grandchildren". But, my thinking is that I don't want to wait for grandchildren because I LOVE the children I already have ;-) That plus the fact that for a mother of sons, is that those blessed grand-babies are going to come along with beautiful daughter-in-laws... Soooo back to the launching! 

Thankfully the mission help, so I am better prepared for when they do leave but my thoughts today are about the time period before they actually leave or are launched!


Get going!
Being a parent of an adult child. Now that is something else. Some days, I feel like the mother in this cartoon and want them gone like a fly on a summer day. I know people who have employed the tactic of giving their children a 'magic' age, when their child is deemed old enough to look after themselves - outside of the home and independent of their parents. Some of these children have gone on to flourish, and some left well before their 'age/number' kicked in and others have not. And although I sometimes wish I had given the boys the number of 21, now they are 21, I am glad that was a discussion we NEVER had - because although they may be ready - I AIN'T - yet, almost but not quite yet ;-).

Parental expectations
SO what's the problem? It's not really a problem - its just that your baby just got ADULT ;-) And here you are, in the same body, the same person as you were when they were a baby - just a bit older (and in case - waaaay heavier :-)), and still a parent. All the expectations you had as a parent, do not automatically disappear when your children are living with you and this is the first thing you need to overcome - because although you may not have changed - EVERYTHING has CHANGED. Gone are the rewards and punishments that you would engage when your children were babies, like grounding, or taking the phone off, giving gold star stickers etc and what you are left with are conversations - like adults - I know when sometimes, all you want to do is a good old drop-kick - no!! reasonable conversations and discussion are all you have left. Adult conversations - who knew I would be having these at work and at home! Anyone out there been successful with this? ;-)

A season for letting go...
What is becoming clearer for me as each day goes by, navigating the way through this adult-adult mother-son relationship is that the timing of this next phase is almost here.  It's a feeling of readiness that is growing inside me and I am grateful for the way things have turned out. You see when my sons came back from their missions, I swore that they were never going to go away again! I said it, but always knew in my heart that this was not going to be my reality - but as I touched and kissed them every day for the first few months, this feeling of readiness to let go started to sprout. They have been home 9 months now, both been at University, they teach a Missionary Preparation class, go to church, are both dating - although long distance for now, traveled overseas on their own to spend time with their girlfriends, and they go out with friends. All of these things are normal and in a way preparing me for this time and the season. I feel like I am going to be ready ;-) There! I've said it :-)

Accepting the 'new' look motherhood

When I think about the boys leaving, I sometimes get sad and I figure it is because I am in fact mourning for that part of my life that is over. Mourning for the doting mother, who ran around doing

things for her child, and who even on their missions maintained the intensity of her role of mother (which never decreased just because the boys were overseas), who with typical (of me - those who know me will agree) gusto sent them packages (at great expense), emailed weekly with photos, and kept a photographic journal of her life while they were away etc, all of which to fulfill her yearning need to be 'that' mother.. All of that part of my life has been lived and is over. And what is left is moving through this transition and accepting this new version of  being a mother and parent. The 'in your face' parenting has gone - replaced with being available when needed. With this, is the next phase for me and that is learning to trust that what I have done, everything I have done for my sons, has prepared them to be better than me, to love their children more than I did, and to launch them better than I am. Isn't this the ultimate role of a parent - to raise children to have more than what you had adn to be able to live without you! I accept this, well, learning to accept this and look forward to seeing how this all pans out ;-)

So there you have - launching - what it really feels like for a mother, well this mother! Does it make me crazy? Perhaps it has brought out the kooky-ness in me - but lets be real, there was already so much kooky-ness there in the first place ;-) Seriously and truthfully, I know for sure, I am going to do this 'launching' business the best I can - because after all, that is all each one of us can do - our very best!

Take care of you - love your children well, because, too soon - they will leave...

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Announcements

The funny thing about making announcements - is that it looks a bit ridiculous when you don't follow through! Case in point...... back in February, I made the announcement that I was coming back to the blogging space.... only to find six months later I had written nothing, not a peep, nada ;-) so I thought I better improve upon this and here I am da-dah ;-) 

It reminds me of the spectacular announcement I made in another blog a few years ago, about re-meeting the skinny me. I remember writing it while I was eating a spinach salad for dinner and loving it! I was happy because weight was dropping off me - (I was practically starving myself - drinking shakes for the other two meals - but it was coming off!!) So about that announcement! Let's just say, Skinny is being kept nice an warm and a happy little camper out of our freezing winter folded up, deep down under many many many many layers ;-)

While we are at it. I've been working for the same company for 13 years - not straight 13 years mind you - I was made redundant after the first three. I then applied for a new position under the new structure, and was successful, but after six years of that new job I tapped out and made the announcement that I was resigning. I sent out the farewell email to the few friends I had in the organisation, with 'the' song - "You're the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me".... I know - it was epic! I had the big farewell - got the gifts and walked away..... And then, 8 months later, I walked back into another role which I applied for, and although in a different role, I've been back for 4 years. So much for that announcement right?

What about the announcement I seem to make every couple of years that I am doing my PhD. That one has even made it into my CV - isn't that funny ;-) Three little letters that has taken me over 15 years to actually come to pass - well lets say we are the closest I have actually been to making it happen.... but no announcement this time until I am ENROLLED ;-)

But that's ALL in the past.... and they haven't gone too bad right - but who am I kidding..... Not to be seen as a quitter - I have some new announcements to add to my 2016 list ;-) and thought I would lay them out here and see where we go....

Every year I hold a Pink Ribbon Breakfast in honour of my beautiful mother who passed away from breast cancer in 2007. Every year, I made a mental note, or rather a silent announcement that it will be my last year.... only to host another one that gets bigger every year. As a side note, every year I swear I am going to be smaller at the next one, but like my fundraising - I seem to be getting bigger as well ;-) This year after, possibly being carried away on the good vibrations of a successful event, I made an announcement that for my mum's 10th anniversary, I will holding a Pink Ribbon Ball. Oh. My. Life!

Photo Credit: Avi Stoddard

So there's that one. The next three are pretty big, the first is that I am going to present at an international conference (yet to be accepted but now its out there - lets see how that goes...) and the second and third are to to do with my beautiful baby boys who turn 21 next week. The next announcements to come up for me are their engagements & wedding dates! Yes, my 2-3 followers, I'm going to become a mother-in-law sooner rather than later.... Those of you who know how I feel about these two human beings will know how much they are growing up - and the next little bit of life is going to be one heck of an adventure!!

So I guess that's about the only announcements that I can handle at the moment. I am officially back in the blogging space now so that's one I have managed to make and keep in the same year - a great start.

Take care out there people. Be good to each other, and next time you announce anything, make sure it happens. And if it doesn't - then make sure you have a smile about it and try again later ;-)

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

I'm back!

Hi ya!

Its been a looooong time since I was here and it's good to be back in the blogging space again. I know I should have called this blog - 'bout time!

When I left this blog was called 5 lessons in 2 minutes. In 2010, the idea of this blog was to share 5 lessons that I had learnt on a particular topic and to write it in a way that someone could read it in 2 minutes. The funny thing is that, one of my first blogs, I got a comment back saying that it took longer to read my lessons in 2 minutes!

So here I am - re-branding or re-launching my blog - and what better way than with a new name - 'Bout That! Its been set up along the same lines as the previous blog - but gone are the time restrictions or the number of lessons learnt.... This time its just going to be me sharing my thoughts and ideas on a subject - as if I you and I were talking and you mention something, and then 'ping!' and idea comes to my mind and I say back to you - 'bout that' and I give some random thoughts on whatever we would be talking about....

And that's 'bout it! Since I have been away so much has changed, yet stayed the same. I'm still a mother - but now I'm the mother of two adult men - I still call them my boys - who are off to university. Mr is still around and so is my cat - although I am a year closer to getting a dog...

Why am I doing this? Well, living in a house of boys that don't talk - and being the only girl here, as a gift to myself, I have decided - I need to get me some different friends - and here I am - talking to you.

I know everyone is busy, so, for a few minutes (or longer), check out my blog and tell me what ou think by leaving a comments and thoughts 'bout that!

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Being a Woman

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine set up a facebook page called NRG Godesses. The idea behind it was to celebrate the brilliance of being a woman and empowering womanhood in each sister that contributed. An invitation was extended to each woman to supply a photo and a saying or mantra that they practice in their life. I continued to watch the posts of amazing women and the profound things they have to share, and then, I decided I was going to contribute a photo as well....

Although a simple request, I have been surprised at the depth of the self-reflection that has gone into this process. In fact, it has turned out to be a little more complicated than what I thought. Not wanting to just supply a selfie from my iphone, I decided that if I was going to get a photo taken, I would get a real photographer to do it. And if she was going to be real, then I better look real, and got a hair and make up artist to work her magic as well.... I can tell you from this simple exercise - I have been enlightened for sure.

So I start off my re-launch of my blog - 'bout that! with what I have learnt about being a woman. I do so, using the photos from my recent photo shoot.

Beautiful

I have discovered that beautiful is a word that I use a lot and as I get older, I actually mean it. No longer is the word just attached to how someone looks, but it could be an accomplishment, a song, a poem, a conversation, a dress, or an action. It is becoming more of a word attached to a feeling than just a description. I have also learnt that we can all be beautiful, regardless of what the outside shell looks like - because it is the life that you lead, the works and service that is done that makes someone beautiful. You need to be humble to become beautiful, because you have to give up or in popular vernacular of the day - "let go" of your self-hatred, and poor self-image/esteem - because these are prideful and the humble are beautiful...

My makeup artist - Lucie Tuia and photographer - Kimberley Berryman, both gifted in their work, not only made me feel beautiful on the outside, but I was surprised that what they actually achieved was matching what people would see with how I feel inside. I also learnt while I was going through this process that instead of waiting for Mr to send me a "you are beautiful" bone after 25 years of marriage, it was up to me to re-affirm that I am a beautiful person for myself and not to rely on what others think. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin! Well, I am trying!

Take the time

On the day of the photo shoot, I finished work a little early and came home so Lucie could get started. She asked me when the last time I had my makeup done for me and I said my wedding day, and I realised how sad that was. This was confirmed when Mr came home from work and started wondering what was going on, and commented that he hadn't seen me like this since our wedding day! Why hadn't I taken the time out of the last two decades to get myself done up? Why had I not bothered to have some 'M' time and feel like a princess, or be a woman! Why shouldn't I feel like a princess everyday? I am a professional working woman and I need to take the time to be that on the outside and the inside. Definitely a work in progress. 

Remember!

This whole experience has made me realise that I had forgotten what it is like to be a woman, or rather forgotten that I was a woman. Instead I am caught up in my life and busy, busy with things going on. This experience has made me stop and re-evaluate what I wanted my image to look like - and what I want people to see. I give thanks to a talented Kimberley who listened to my vulnerable ramblings and deciphered what I said and went on to capture the woman inside me! I look at these photos and I have to remind myself that that is me. I may live my life in a man-dominated economy and political environment, and even in a house of males - but I am essentially and always will be a 'girl'/woman and need to act that way (whatever that is!). When Mr came home and saw the transformation of his every day wife into someone else - he couldn't believe it. I learnt in that instant, that just because a man doesn't say anything - it doesn't meant that he doesn't care! The way he looked at me reminded me of how he used to watch me when we were at High School! I had forgotten how nice that felt! 

Go for it!

All my friend wanted was a photo with a saying/advice to add to it, which I was able to do. However, I believe I got more out of it than she will ever know. I got to push myself out of my comfort zone, and come out from behind the scene and take a seat in the front, left right and centre! With all of these feelings I was having, and after a great deal of self-talk - I went for it!I didn't wait until later, or until I lost weight - I made the decision then did it. I did something for me - and all about me! I didn't wait for anyone to tell me what do to and how to do it!

Be Happy

The one thing I have discovered during this experience is about being happy. There is no use hanging on to things that can't be changed or not in our control. We are responsible for how we react to things. Be happy with your physical flaws, your imperfections because that's what makes you, you. I have tonnes of them, but during this experience, I realised who am I kidding? I need to be in control of how I feel, and what a feel - and I want to be happy as I am. It took over 45 years to get here - but I am happy and I wouldn't have it any other way!

What makes you the woman you are? Share what you think 'bout that!

Yours in friendship,

Mxo                                                                                     

My Superhero Sons

My sons would be so embarrased to know that I was blogging about them - but I had to share this with you. My twin sons are serving missions for our church in the Dominican Republic. It has been hard work and besides learning a new language they have had to adapt to new culture, and live with conditions they are not used to - like taking bucket showers and using bleach to wash dishes.... and they are loving it!! They are my new superheroes and their super powers are the fact that they are able to turn this old, crabby mother of theirs into a bumbling mess of tears with just a sentence or two, a hand written letter and those most beautiful photos I get nearly every week.... And on top of that - they have teaching me things that I will work on always! What d'ya think about those powers??

Here is what they are teaching me:

To be grateful
"when you lose everything you have and realise you can live like this or that people do live like this -there’s no other life. Last night we taught a lesson at 8pm with no lights. It was so so dark! We still taught and still felt the spirit. That’s what it’s about!"" What an inspiration you are to me my son - be grateful for whatever I have, even if it is nothing - be grateful!

Perseverence

"The missionaries found Sister ####  in 2011 and she continued coming to church every Sunday and hasn’t missed a day since. She has never partaken of the sacrament but always sits there reverently, anyway me and my companion found her in our area booklet and decided to drop by. She explained that she [was ready and wanted] to be baptized so me and my companion re-taught everything which she knew and then got permisson.... So after 3 years of perseverance she finally got what she has been waiting forever for. She participated of the sacrament yesterday for the first time. What an experience that was." I always need to be more persevere more!!

Time for Work and a Time for Play



I have learnt from my baby boys that they are working hard and not to worry that they are idling away their time :-) It's good for me to remember this always.... Seeing their busy desks makes me happy to see first they have a lot of the things they were sent with ;-) and also they know how to organise themselves ;-)

Prioritising

After skyping with happy to see first sons (first time we have seen each other in four months -  one of two calls a year),  and showing us his split sole at the bottom of  his shoe - he sends this email "I miss you both a lot even though it’s only been 10mins but I love you both heaps and heaps was nice talking to you both too. Miss home a lot but yeah remember my shoes please haha but yeah. " He knew what was important - but he knew his shoes were a priority!

Happiness

One thing I have learnt from mymissionaries, something I always knew but has been rewarding to re-know it - is what happiness is as a parent. True happiness for me, as a missionary mama is to see my sons happy - like joyful happy, regardless of their surroundings, environment, new language, different culture and practices - they are happy - and because of that - because I can see the light in their eyes - my life is happy!

 I hope you are learning from those around you because lessons can be found anywhere!

Yours in friendship

Mxo

If only I was that clever!!

I have thought about blogging so many times but just never made it to my computer.... hopeless I know.... but today I left a meeting where I felt if I didn't blog it - I would be the most ungrateful soul EVER!!

And it is all because of a story that I re-knewed today.... I had it marked and the passages are annotated so I had obviously seen it before but today it was meant to be for me - and I wanted to share the lessons I am grateful to have learnt....

 

Found in the pages of the Old Testament, the story is read from Numbers chapters 22-24 and 31.

 

Balak is the  King of Moab and is concerned about the rising and possible invasion of the Israelites who outnumbered his people "And Moab was sore afraid of the people, because they were many: and Moab was distressed because of he children of Israel" (Numbers 22:3).  Balak calls for Balaam - described by many as a soothsayer, or someone well-known for his ability to bless and curse people - and King Balak asks Balaam to curse the Israelites.

 

Each time he sent the request for this curse, Balak send more promises of wealth, with the status of his messengers rising with each request.

 

Balaam sought the Lord and asked if it was something that he should do and upon each request, the Lord forbid Balaam to do such a thing. After getting a 'no' many times, the Lord tells tells Balaam - to go but he can say "only the word that I shall speak unto thee" (Numbers 22:35)

 

This story is known as the Doctrine of Balaam and is applicable to all of us. You see, the Doctrine of Balaam talks about people (members of the church) who 1) seek exception to God's counsel and commandments, 2) seek earthly rewards and honours and 3) try to introduce worldy ideas, practise or standards into the church. Here are the lessons I picked up.

 

No means no!

I can't believe that someone would be so arrogant, ignorant, or just plain 'simple' - to not get it the first time. If the Lord, or my church leaders gave me an answer I would do well to listen to them. If my leaders, were then to "say to me, okay then, after saying 'no' on every earlier occasions,  and then after not listening - to all of a sudden get a 'go ahead and do it' then I would really know I was in big trouble!... the lesson: Listen in the first place.

 

Keep your eye on the ball!

I'm not going to win any prices EVER for my sporting prowess, but it doesn't mean I can't learn from others who do possess it ;-) For example, I understand very well one of sporting's well-known catch-cries "keep your eye on the ball" - or in lay-man's words - FOCUS people ;-) King Balak upped the ante each time he requested this curse from Balaam by sending  Princes of Moab and promised to honour Balak by making him more "honourable than they [Princes]" if he would come to him and perform this curse.(Numbers 22:15). In the end, Balak went, with the Lord's concession for a "house full of silver and gold" along with the honours of prior requests. Balaam went to Balak knowing that he would only be able to say whatever the Lord allowed him to say. Balaam's focus was set.... However, the only trouble with that is that an Angel appeared to Balaam a number of times along his travel - yet he never saw it!! His focus was on the wrong thing... The lesson: I pray that I always keep my family, and everything that will make me a better mother as my focus in this life.... not the honours of men, nor riches..

 

Changes for no-good

The story goes on to tell us that Balaam reached the Moabites, and as the Lord said, Balaam was only able to utter what the Lord put into his mouth - which was not a curse, but instead a blessing on the people of Israel!! Of interest  here is that Balaam did manage, not by cursing the Israelites, but by introducing  'new ways' to whittle away the commitment of the members of the church as they "commit[ted] trespass against the Lord... and there was a plague among the congregation of the Lord" (Numbers 31:16). The lesson: the introduction of worldy ideas, practices and standards into the church is never going to happen and that is why I love it.... God is the same yesterday, today and forever and I like it exactly how it is.

 

A talking donkey

One of the coolest elements of the story was the talking donkey. I love animals and think they are cleverer than a great deal of people that I know - so if one was to talk to me - I would clap my hands and say "about time!!" The bit I like about the donkey is that an angel of the Lord appeared to Balaam, and because he was so caught up in the riches and honours that he would be getting, his whole judgement was clouded and he didn't see anything. So when the donkey stopped three times, Balaam beat it for stopping. Then when the donkey asked - "what's your problem?" Balaam said "that if he had been in possession of a sword he would have killed the donkey!!" Then the Lord appears... I loved the talking donkey!

 

Don't overanalyse things

And it is What I love most about the talking donkey is that an animal recognised the angel of the Lord..... because it is what it is.... the donkey didn't stand there and try and second guess itself like I probably would have, it saw and it did. Sometimes we have to do the same - look at things, be prompted to do things, be guided to places and to people and just do it. We will never know the danger that was averted or the impact that decision has made on us and on generations to come.... The lesson: we just need to take the lead from this clever talking donkey - and do!! If only I was do clever ;-)

I want to thank my friend Anne for helping me to re-know this story. She is such an awesome teacher and I look forward to next week to learn more from her.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

A Missionary Mother - 100 days on

My sons are serving missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on a little Island called the Dominican Republic. You may not know where that is, and to be honest, neither did we -but it is a country in the Caribbean that shares the Island with Haiti....

They have been gone for over 100 days and it has been a learning experience for me like nothing I have ever experienced before.

If you are a follower of this blog - you will know that my children are my existence - honestly, they are my sun and my moon and everything in between. I had never realised that being a mother would have been so integral to my self identity until they left and I was home alone with a man I married over 20 years ago...

So what have I learnt as a missionary mother in the past 100 days?

1) You will not die!

I honestly had never felt such intense and profound loss as I did when the boys left since the passing of my beautiful mother. And it hurt like heck!! I may have felt - like physically felt that my heart was breaking and that I was going to die of heartbreak - but chin up fellow missionary mothers - you will not die!! It will hurt - but as a mother, what's a bit of emotional turmoil to keep it real ;-)

2) Be comfortable crying

I have never cried so much in my life - those big rolling fat tears that come out silently and on their own. No sound - just out they come, thick and fast.... 100 days on and I can still cry - but it's not so intense, it's not even every day - just on email days, and when I get a letter or see photos of the boys - y'know - so not as much ;-) So get comfortable crying.........

3) Birds of a feather, flock together

This has been a life saver for me. I was amazed, as I was when my mother passed, the world just keeps on moving. The clock doesn't stop, and although my world had tilted on its axis - it was only my world after all - well mine and Misters.. that was until I found a group of women spread across the world, and even better - here in Aotearoa, who felt exactly the same as me! So, after 100 days - these groups, facebook, and email - continue to be my lifesaver. I cry with them about their missionaries, as they do with mine - total strangers but bound together by this experience of being a missionary mother. Our first NZ Missionary Mama retreat is in July and I am looking forward to it!

4) Thank you for asking

If you care about me in any measure of all - one of the first questions that you have asked is "how are the boys!" and I have to say to all of my friends who have done this - thank you for asking. I can't tell you how that makes me feel to know that you care.... For anyone else, if you don't really want to know and just asking to create small talk - save yourself the trouble and don't ask... because missionary mothers can quickly sense the lack of interest when we watch your eyes roll back into your heads as we respond ;-) And that's fine.... just start with another question to fill in for small talk - and leave the missionary questions for others....

5) Money really is not everything - true story!

I have never felt so money and asset poor in my life! And just as equally, never have I been so blessing and tender mercy rich! It has taken a massive mindshift to adapt to this position, but the strength of my testimony grows every week by my sons' experiences that I can't say that I wouldn't love more money, but it has changed me enough to recognise that worldy possessions, or even a pedicure or a new dress or Overland boots ;-) do not bring me closer to my sons and our God.... but what is doing that is this beautiful connection with my sons on the other side of the world but our shared love for and belief in our faith.... and that my friends is a true story ;-)

So there you have it..... nothing mind boggling or earth shattering, but some very real lessons...

I'll catch you up at the second hundred!

Yours in friendship,

Mxox