That's What Friends are For

Over the last couple of days I have reduced the amount of friends that I had in one of my social networking websites. It made me think about the functions of a friend and the amount of energy either party to the friendship was contributing to keep the relationship alive. It also forced me to come up with some criteria for maintaining a friendship. Originally I collected friends to build up my friend numbers, but in the end I was sharing my life with people that I either knew too long ago to remember, or worse - to care.

It made me think - what makes a good friend?

1) Someone who is a good listener
When choosing your friends, choose the ones that listen. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason - so that we can listen twice as much as we talk. Apply that formula to the people around you. If they continually talk about themselves - then you are a 'sounding board'. Sure there is some of that in a friendship - but again go back to the formula, you should be able to listen as well as share.....

2) Someone who genuinely cares

I am blessed to have friends who genuinely care about me. These friends are the ones that come to me when the rest of the world seem to stepping away so as to not get involved... It is when you are at your lowest that you learn who these friends are. They are not necessarily the friends that you talk to everyday about every little thing - but they are the first ones you call when your world has turned upside down. These friends are at my work, live on my street, or on my email or phone list... and more often or not are there already!

3) Know you and still love you

Your friends know you and still love you. I have known the ladies in this photo for over 25 years, and in one case - over 30 years. There is nothing much they don't know about me and I them - but we still love each other and are friends. I don't know about getting older and getting wiser - but I do believe that as friendships develop over years they tend to get richer and more meaningful. A lunch, or an email, or a phonecall bridges time and all is good until the next visit.

4) Someone who tells you the truth

You want to surround yourself with friends that tell you the truth. They are the best kinds of friends to have because unlike the Emporer that was told that he looked lovely - when he was in fact naked - they will tell you if you need to pluck your eyebrows, or change that top because it is too tight, or tell you that your son or daughter really was one of the naughty children. If your friendship is worth it, you will take that truth even though it may hurt - and you will believe it because you trust her to do that for you.

5) Someone you can be yourself with.

Find friends that you can be yourself with. People that you can laugh out loud with, or cry big fat tears of joy or deep groans of emotional turmoil. There is nothing worse that being with people where you are pretending to be something that you are clearly not! Leave the acting to the professionals ;-)

More important than finding people that can be these things for you - be these things for someone else. Be the one that listens twice as much as talking, genuinely cares for another, loves, and lets those around you to be themselves... and as Dionne Warwick sings  

Keep smilin', keep shinin'

Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are for

For good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more

That's what friends are for

Yours in friendship

Mxox

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Yesterday I had the opportunity to be a part of an assessment panel for a man that was refered to as a tohunga whakairo. My grandmother talked about a tohunga as someone who was spiritual in nature, of someone who can see things that others couldn't. In the context of where I was, this particular man, who was given blocks of wood and given some learning outcomes to achieve, produced three stunning, amazing creations. To put into context what he had made - these pieces were being sold for $120,000 for the largest and my favourite was being sold for $75,000.

I sat there amazed that this man could see the end results from looking at planks of wood. He could see the beauty in something that others would easily overlook and turned something ordinary into these magnificent pieces of art. In fact one of the bases of his creations had been discarded rimu that you could tell was once twisted and unattractive.

This caused me to reflect on how we as people look at others. What are some of the things that we should look for, sometimes unseen by others, in those people around us that help us recognise and in some cases remember that they have unlimited potential?

1) Eyes
The eyes are said to be the windows to the soul. Let's look for people whose eyes are friendly, cheeky, happy, caring and giving.

2) Words
Listen to the kinds of words that are being spoken. Do the people you are surrounded with tell the truth? Do they write words of inspiration? Here are some words that a husband (Robert Browning) wrote on his wedding morning to his bride (Elizabeth Barrett):

"You will only expect a few words. What will those be? When the heart is full it may run over; but the real fullness stays within....Words can never tell you....how perfectly dear you are to me - perfectly dear to my heart and soul. I look back and in every one point, every word and gesture, every letter, every silence - you have been entirely perfect to me - I would not change one word, one look,.....you have given me the highest, completest, proof of love that ever one hunan being gave another. I am all gratitude - and all pride....that my life has been so crowned by you".12 September 1846

3) Actions
Watch for the actions of those around you. Are they actions of someone who loves easily, or judges harshly? Or they like the people described by Albert Einstein when he said "The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing". Let's choose to be around others like those Edward Everett Hale talks about when he said:

I am only one,
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

4) Touch
How do people you associate with touch others around them. Do they push and shove others? Do they embrace those in need? Today I sat next to a woman who was crying. I sat there for a moment, then I reached for her hand and held it. I don't know if it helped at all, but it was the only way I could tell her that I cared without saying a word.

5) Smile
One of the Directors where I work has a saying that a smile increases the value of his face.... which actually led to him being called Mr Sunshine. True to form everytime you see him he is smiling. What better weather pattern to be than sunshine!

Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder - so lets have another look this week at the people around us finding the potential they have to become great and marvellous individuals. We are not looking for things that others see - we are looking for the things that only we know of them ;-)

Yours in friendship

Mxox

A dog's life!

Dr Doolittle was on to a good thing. The ability to talk to the animals is far more useful than talking to a great deal of humans. Like it or not – we aren’t exactly the smartest species on earth. We are by far the greediest, but wisest – I think not. I can’t communicate to animals like Doolittle, but just as in the movie Marley and Me – at every juncture in my life – there has been an animal beside me and I have had a better life because of it.

1) The heart is mighty
My mother’s constant companions during my childhood were called Four Star Silver Rose and Pedro. Silver and Pedro were Chihuahuas and came to us as a pair. Chihuahuas are one of the smallest dogs, with big bulging eyes on tiny little heads and are pretty vocal too. I would call it a bark but that would mean it sounded like one – instead, the noise they actually make is more like a yap;-)! Pedro and Silver were hard out watchdogs for a tiny pair of dogs! Nothing (including ankles) came within metres of our place without Pedro and Silver alerting the family. Basically, anyone outside of the family was the enemy!

Even though their bodies were tiny – it housed the mightiest of hearts.

2) Love is not just a human emotion
When Silver died after having a massive stroke, Pedro was never the same. His partner in life was gone and his loss was evident. I don’t care what psychologists say about projecting human feeling on to animals – from these tiny Chihuahuas I learnt that love for each other is not limited to humans. Those dogs loved their master and they also loved each other. Pedro died within months of his mate.

3) Adversity is for getting over
The next lesson I learnt from my whangai (adopted) dog who turned up one day and then never really left.

He was a beautiful strong black Labrador called Blackie who had belonged to the neighbour’s neighbour. During the transition between our houses, he was in a terrible accident
that caused his front leg to be amputated. I needed not worry about Blackie, because this dog overcame adversity to live a life that included all the wonderful things a dog would. He never gave up and was a good dog and much loved.

4) You are not your past

We came home from the beach one day – and there was our next pet. A little black cat with white feet and a white bib who we called Whisper. She was born and had lived outside, which made her wild. This meant that it was hard for her to enjoy some of the perks of being a pet, like being held, being stroked gently, and to sleep and live inside. I learnt from her that despite your upbringing or the past, you can overcome it because Whisper eventually learnt that she had a home, she was not going to be hurt, that she was going to be fed - and ultimately let us hold her, kiss and rub her - and even slept with us! Whisper moved with us four times, and never left.

5) Unconditional love comes in all sizes
Simba was the product of some hanky-panky business between her pedigree Bichon Friese mother and the Fox Terrier up the road. Originally for my mother to replace Pedro and Silver, it soon became evident who was the chosen master – ME! Simba came to me

before the boys….but will not be here for much longer. She is currently coping with old age, and the gradual loss of sight and hearing – yet she remains the first to greet me, the first to look for me when I am gone and she lightens my life for it. Despite her own afflictions – I am still the most important person to her – and like all animals – they have much to teach us about unconditional love.

Have a great week - love the ones around you.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

All the single ladies....

I was raised by a single lady! Despite not having much, my sister, brother and I were loved, we were educated,grew to be good citizens,we eventually married and she went on to be the perfect grandmother.Her lessons permeate my life even after her death.

I am surrounded by women like her and marvel and am amazed at the the things that they overcome and achieve just to get through a day. These women raise their children alone by choice because they chose to stand by their convictions, religion, beliefs, and never compromised which left them without husbands, partners and with fatherless children. There are women who have found themselves lost in a marriage, and are moving forward to a new life in the search for themselves. Many of these women were humiliated and discarded by their wayward husbands.

These women are my friends, and I dedicate this blog to them and thank them for the lessons they teach me.

1) Dignity
From my mother I learnt about dignity. She never spoke bad about the people that hurt her and to me that restraint made her even more precious. We eventually learnt for ourselves the character of others as we experienced them and were not coloured and tainted by hers.

2) Courageous
Being a single mother/lady raising children alone is not a choice one makes lightly. For the single woman that is teaching me the lesson on courage - this is so true. When it appears easier to return to a life she is familiar, yet was so miserable, it is the path that will take more courage leading her to finding herself, that, she is following. She is courageous not only for herself but for her children, and I admire her for that.

3) Parenting with God
One of my favourite sayings/mantras of my friend’s is that she is not a “single parent because she is parenting with God”. And this is how she lives - her life is filled with children, yet there is room for her Father in Heaven who provides the unwavering support that she needs. Her teachings are Christ centred – and it hasn’t made things easy, but it is making a difference. Return to your convictions to find the added strength you will need.


4) Friendship - 'It takes a village to raise a child'
What I learnt is that being a friend with a single parent/mother/lady is not something to be taken lightly. These women already have a full life dealing with being the sole provider for their family so they don’t have time for girly friend games. You are either in a friendship or not. Being in, means you are there to babysit, you get to hear the sad stories, the screaming at the top of lungs, troubles, worries, fears, and the good times. If you are ‘in’ you are committing to being part of a ‘village’ that will help her raise her babies. If you can’t do these things – then you are wasting her time. She has already been let down by a partner that did not have ‘her back’ – and she certainly does not need any more dramas. So make up your mind – she doesn’t have time to do it for you.

5) Humour
A single mother’s life is intense – yet is made up of some hilarious moments. So I’ve learnt to share in the sound of laughter in her home or in our conversations. She’ll have enough things going on in her life to provide the remaining gamet of emotions. Help her laugh (and cry) at herself, at her children, at the world, at anything and everything. It’s when she laughs that the healing can get in and she will become whole again - and you want to be there when that happens.

I love these women, and the few men that find themselves in this situation as well ;-) Have a great week people.

Yours in friendship

Mxox