Seventy times Seven

At the beginning of the month, I was at lunch with a couple of friends. While we were talking and sharing about our stressors, one of my friends shared with us a reading that she received that very morning. It started with a scripture found in Colossians 3:13 'Make allowance for each other's faults...' and went on to talk about forgiveness and gave me some food for thought for many days since. It is a topic I have tried to avoid because I'm not very good at it - struggling to even forgive myself for my many weaknesses, but am forever thankful for the great examples in my life that show me how... This is what I know so far...

1) A wife

The first time I had realised that forgiveness was a verb (doing word) was some years ago. My friend, and work colleague at the time had gone through a period where she had discovered that her husband had not only committed adultery but fathered a child to another woman while they were married. I asked her how she could forgive her husband, and her reply has stuck with me ever since, all these years ago. She shared with me that she could only have taken her husband back because she had really learnt the true meaning of forgiveness. She thought she knew what it was before but until she had to put it into practice she really learnt what it was to forgive. It was hard, and it took a lot of work on her part - but it was something that she believed in because she knew it. It makes me weepy remembering that conversation because she truly was and is the most amazing example to me. Today she is very much married, adding another baby to her whanau (at 40+ which is a whole other blog ;-) happy, caring, kind and awesome!

2) A parent
In May 2010, Emma Woods and her two sons were walking home from the supermarket when a 17 year old driver, lost control of his car, which left the road, went up on to the pathway and ploughed into Emma and children. Emma and her six year old were injured but Nayan, her four year old died at the scene. This week, the now 18 year old Ash Austin appeared before a judge for sentencing. Ash was spared a prison sentence - because the judge believed that Ash was genuinely remorseful and was grieving for what he had done. The amazing thing to consider was that the parents of Nayan Woods were strong advocates of Ash not going to jail. I watched with humility the interview of Nayan's father - Duncan, who was not only supportive of Ash Austin but had done something I am not sure I could do, but pray that I would - he had forgiven him.

3) A teacher
The greatest practitioner of forgiveness teaches in Mathew 18:21-23 when asked "Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times" to which the Lord replies "I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven". Between you and I - the number is less important than the action of forgiving over and over and over again until we stop counting and it becomes a part of our every day being....

4) Yourself
We are all humans that make mistakes, often and always. What I have learnt is that we are quick to forgive others but of ourselves we are too slow, if at all. It is not easy. In the reading that my friend shared there was a reference to Mathew 7:1-5 which talks about being careful not to judge others "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again". So it makes sense that we strive not to judge others and/or ourselves harshly as that is how we will in turn be judged...... and even stronger are the words found in Romans 12:19 where it reads "God said, Vengeance is mine; I will repay." - So, the question is: who are we not to forgive - even if it is ourselves?

5) Families
Thomas S.Monson has said that "in many families, there are hurt feelings and a reluctance to forgive. It doesn’t really matter what the issue was. It cannot and should not be left to injure. Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals." He goes on to add the lines of George Herbert, and early 17th century poet which I have always remembered which are “He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven, for everyone has a need to be forgiven". Only forgiveness heals - now that is something I am sure we can all remember.

Have a great week friends and happy bridge building - may you find happiness and peace in doing so ;-)

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

Listening

When I heard someone say that we have two ears and one mouth - because we need to listen twice as much as we spoke - I smiled and had to agree with that. Listening is one of the only things that I can nearly do exceptionally...which is great because recently it has been one of those subjects that has been a big part of my week and come up in conversations, presentations, and in a stake conference. It made made me think more about what it means to listen and what it really means to be a good listener. Here is what I am going to try harder to do....

1) Whakarongo
This week I was privileged to be a part of a leadership conference and the word whakarongo came up. It was mentioned not only as a leadership skill but a way of learning from others. The presenter shared his experience about learning to speak te reo Maori. Many years ago, when he wanted to learn how to speak Maori he was invited to learn with a Kaumatua who offered to teach him. He spent three weeks with him and was instructured throughout that time to "whakarongo" and not speak. The minutes ran into hours, hours into days, and after three weeks he left that wananga fluent in Te Reo Maori just by listening - amazing! He was able to absorb more as he trained himself to hear and learn what was being taught. Just imagine what we could accomplish if we all engaged in whakarongo.

 2) Active listening

About five years ago, I was teaching communication on a management programme when I came across this chinese character for "to listen". There are four elements to listening in this character 1) you 2) eyes 3) undivided attention and 4) the heart which really illustrates how we need to listen. I used this at a management training a couple of years ago to try and coach my team into the art of active listening and taking interest in what is being said without saying anything but listening. I would love to tell you it was successful - but that's another topic altogether ;-) Giving someone your undivided attention needs to be genuine and opening your heart to what is being said all makes for better listening. Next time someone is talking to you - see how many of the four elements you did....

4) Learning
This week I was part of an interview panel. As part of this interview the applicants had to do a verbal presentation. One of the applicants showed a slide that read "If all I do is hear, I will forget. If I hear and see, I will remember. If I hear, see and do, I will understand" I thought this was a brilliant statement because listening is critical to understanding each other, a subject, a feeling, family, friends etc. What we learn from this statement is that to truly understand something you need to hear it via listening, see it and then do it which make listening very much an active exercise.

3) Wairua
At a leadership conference I was at lately - our facilitator was talking to us about traditional Maori leadership models and the strengths and skills that we could take from their journeys to provide us with a pathway to becoming effective Maori leaders........ and one of the things he talked about was the "wairua" or translated to be - spirit. He taught in conjunction with karakia (prayer) to Te Io Matua (Heavenly Father) - that the wairua was the vehicle in which our people traversed mountainous seas and oceans and landed here in Aotearoa. I believe this principle and try it in my own life and know that wairua is real. One of my favourite scriptures tells us about the prophet Elijah who went to talk to the Lord and "the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice" (1Kings 19:11-12). That still small voice is the spirit and we need to be listening now.

5) Peace
The facilitator of my leadership conference works with hardened criminals (great preparation for our group ;-)) in Aotearoa's roughest prisons. He tells of one experience when he was called to a prison as they needed his help with some issues. When he got there and after he was already in he was told that there had been a six day war inside between two rival gangs. There were deaths, stabbings, fights and the tension was unbelievable. Our facilitator tells the story of going into lock down with the prisoners (how he runs his wananga) and the wairua told him to go outside and play touch. So he asked the guards to let them out. The only space there was a plot of shingle which was called the 'shingle pit'. He told the prisoners that they would play them at touch. Of course it was not a real game of touch, but this man and his colleagues held their ground and continued to play. As the game went on, the prisoners played and played, and one by one they dropped out, and still the facilitator continued with his colleagues continued to play until they were the last men standing. After that they all returned back into the cells and that was the session completed. When he was asked what had he done, as the attitudes of the men had changed significantly - he simply replied "we played touch". What I believe happened is that the wairua told him that there was another way to get through to these men - and he did what I need to do more - he listened.

Have a great week.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

Have an attitude of gratitude

On our family white board, Maurice has written in big writing the words "attitude of gratitude". It is there as a reminder of some counsel that we were given in the weekend to have an attitude of gratitude. I thought it was being proactive of him to put that message up and it showed that he was motivated by those words which was awesome. However, it is slowly becoming annoying when, in the middle of a discussion, and in response to me sharing my opinion- all 100% fault free of it, he quietly points to the board where those words attitude of gratitude silence me immediately.... I think it is going to be a looooooonnnnnnnng week ;-)

What am I grateful for?

1) My children
My sons are 15 years old. One night while we were watching Police Ten Seven - there was a young man who was spotted doing a u-turn up the road from a booze bus. The police quickly chased the young man to see why he had tried to avoid the road block..... Some reasons were given - but it became clear and later confirmed by a breath test that he was three times above the adult limit and had been driving drunk. He was 15 - fifteen and drunk driving. So the first thing I am grateful for is the opportunity I have to be a mother (despite early medical advice that becoming a mother was probably not going to happen), and next - I am grateful that at 12.24am as I am penning this blog that my precious baby boys are asleep in their beds with the biggest issues facing them is their next facebook/internet/bebo/PS3/mobile phone and not driving up and down the streets drunk!

2) My husband
I never had a picture of who I wanted to marry. I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking of the characteristics he might have either. All I knew was what I had been promised was that someone was being prepared  and would be led to me.... A year after that blessing, I met Maurice... he appeared just like that! He was respectful, quiet, loyal, dedicated, friendly and soooooo good looking. He was good to my mother, brother and sister, Nanna (who lived next to us) and at that stage our two little chihuahuas. He was perfection (which changed after we married - but still okay ;-)). He is the love of my life and I never want to live a day without him. I am grateful for my husband.

3) My faith
My faith is what centres me. I don't talk about it or share it as much as I could - but I love it and believe in it and strive to live its teachings. If I could, I would teach the principles of my faith as a full-time job -but until then I am grateful that I have a faith to believe in, and a strong testimony of its teachings, readings, and values.

4) My family
Being in my family tree makes my world colourful and interesting ;-) However it is the role of being the eldest of three children, that I am most grateful. I have always taken my responsibility of looking after my brother and sister or taking care of my mother and now father seriously. I don't see it as a burden or added stress - but see it as part of me. I love my brother and sister and now that they are grown with their own families - this love has only extended onto their children whom I love as my own. I am grateful for being part of a family tree that is colourful and interesting.

5) Friends
What can I say...... I am grateful for my friends - especially the ones that read my blog ;-) For my friends - church friends,childhood friends,highschool buddies and my workmates - I am grateful for you. I haven't always been a good firend - I actually lost some really good ones while at highschool - and for that I carry regret with me, but for the ones that I have managed to keep - I am grateful for you - thank you.

To this list I would add my education - for without it I would not be able to help provide for my babies, my house - that my mother gifted to us to live in, my mother - whom I miss and being told I am turning into more and more every day, books - that provide my imagination with wonderful worlds that I will never inhabit in this life, Hawaii - where I was born and hope to return to, food - of which I eat too much but love and grateful for, and basically my life - I wouldn't have it any other way...

Have a go of counting your many blessings, name them one by one - it will change the way you feel when you have an attitude of gratitude.

Have a great week

Yours in friendship

Mxox

Its time to get checked!

I had a little cry on Saturday. Our little whanau was all dressed in pink and participating in the Dove Star Walk raising money for Breast Cancer Research. I was looking at the most loved people in my universe - my brother, sister, sister-in-law, children, nieces and nephews and I thought of my mother. I think she would have been proud of us all dressed in her favourite colour and the fact that her daughter was walking!! I thought of her and the significance of what we were doing and the many people that were doing the same thing for people that they loved..... It turned out to be a great evening and one that was full of love and a determined focus to find a cure!

These are the lessons that I have learnt about breast cancer.

1) The early bird gets the worm

Early detection of breast cancer is the best. Self examinations are recommended at a certain time of the month and at breastcancer.org there is an illustrated five step method that you can follow. It also tells you what to look out for. If you haven't done a self-examination - have a go. You can save your life by having a good feel of yourself or if you don't want to - there may be someone else who can do it for you ;-)

2) Breast screening

Free breast screening for women aged 45 to 69 years is provided by the national breast screening programme, BreastScreen Aotearoa. The aim of breast screening is to find very small cancers before a lump can be found on the breast. Early treatment has the best chance of success. I have friends (sisters) whose mother had breast cancer and because of that they treat themselves to a mammogram every year at their own cost. My sister and I also do this - but we are not as vigilant as our friends - and something we need to work on. I have done it through the health system because we have family history of cancer, it takes longer but costs nothing - if that is an option for someone.

3) This is a problem

According to http://www.cancernz.org.nz/ and many other sources, breast cancer is the most common cancer in New Zealand women and is the leading cause of cancer death in women in New Zealand. Each year in New Zealand about 1900 women are diagnosed with breast cancer and about 600 die of the disease. This should serve as a timely reminder to get checking ladies ;-)

4) Amazing People

I have meet the most amazing people through my mum's battle with breast cancer - and every one of those people are fantastic! These people lifted my mother's spirits and I will always remember them with gratitidue and love for treating her with respect and genuine kindness. I went with her to her hair appointments throughout and after chemotherapy which were emotional. You don't realise how much hair means to a woman until she loses it all. The most touching episode was when my beautiful mother went to a bra fitting with her prosthetic breast. I sat with her as she cried and the lovely ladies there let us be. It was such a moving experience that I will never forget. And of course - the people of Look Good Feel Better who guided my mother around how to use makeup to give her eyebrows that had dropped out during chemo. And then, last but not least the good folk at Hospice -they really make the end soooo comfortable considering!!

5) Hope, Joy and Love
Although breast cancer is a terrible disease that many have battled and won and some have battled and lost - it is a disease of hope joy and love. The highs of hope are life altering. It defintely teaches us about anticipating the future and settling for a better tomorrow. The joy that you find being with breast cancer sufferers is contagious. Even in the deepest darkest times - there is joy to be alive, joy to be with family. But the biggest thing I know about breast cancer is that out of it comes love, whether it be a love of life or people. This is what breast cancer has taught me and I am grateful for that.

To the ladies that I know that have had this disease and have beat it - congratulations, to those that are battling - kia kaha, and to those who have lost their courageous fight - you are loved and missed every day.

Yours in friendship

Mxox