Dating Rules: A generation later

I had the worst mother in the world.

She was so strict I could hardly breathe without her knowing what I was doing. I don't know how she did it but she didn't need GPS to find out where I was - and she had nothing on the CIA, FBI, DEA or any other agency when it came to finding out who I was with. Her rules were just as bad. School, home and church were the only sanctioned venues on the 'allowed to visit' list :-) And time allowed to get to and from each of those places and home was 15mins. 

My mother was strict alright, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I am so grateful for that. She is the reason I am where I am today. She is the reason my moral compass has a true north. She is reason I have a great life now - all because of her hard work she put in when I was growing up. 

She deserves a medal awarded posthumously for putting up with me and my siblings and just quietly, I think she would be tickled pink to see me having some of those same struggles with her moko - especially around her dating rules! Like me as a teenager and young adult, her moko do not understand the rationale behind the dating rules especially, and like myself back in the day, they have friends who live lives quite happily without any rules, or very relaxed ones. The counter arguments  such as "your rules don't make sense, they are out-of-date, aren't logical and/or have no doctrinal basis" are the same in 2017 as they were during 1985-91! What's ironic is the answers (more like comebacks) back then are the same as today which is going to be one of two things - as my mother said and I heard Mr repeat - "if you live in my house - these are my rules!" And probably most importantly, "keeping our rules is about one thing: RESPECT!"

For us, our sons have done most of their courting overseas in the homes of their one true loves and totally subject to the rules of their in-laws. So for the most part Mr and I have missed out on establishing our rules. However, we both agree that whatever happened overseas did not or does not change what Mr and I have in our home. Recently, Mr had the opportunity to outline the dating rules 2017 which he had memorised from the same ones my mother outlined for him while we were dating from 1988-91:

1) Don't go in the rooms alone. You can't get up to mischief if you are out in the open and everyone can see you.  I remember clearly, there was nothing more I wanted to do than to be with my boyfriend alone every chance I could.

2) Don't stay in the house together alone. You must have super powers far exceeding anything ever known if you can be in a house alone and keep your hands to yourself, and lastly

3) Whenever you are sitting around keep your feet on the ground. Basically, don't lie around together.  Besides taking up more room on the sofas - it's not cool. Sit up and be present. 

Straight away I recognised in my son the "look" I had. The disbelief that a parent would second guess ones noble intentions. The lack of faith in ones ability to withstand temptation was written on his face. And although my son assures me, nothing further could be from his mind, as parents we're equally vehement in our surprise because every other human we knew and know felt like we did. And that was that all his father and I wanted to do at his age, was to get married and honeymoon away our lives right then and there.

Why rules at all? Well, in my faith, there is no sexual connection before marriage, that's all saved for after the wedding. And the ultimate goal for most LDS young men and women is to be married in the temple. A wedding in the temple seals that marriage for time and all eternity, not just for this life, but into the next. And there should be no sex before that day. So the rules help to keep everyone safe and satan well away! And even more basic than that, back in my day, it was to ensure that my sister and I never got pregnant before we were married. 

And it worked - just. Lets just say, Mr and I had a very tactile relationship. We were affectionate and enjoyed PDA (public  displays of affection) that must have had my poor mother on HIGH alert every minute! Although Mr and I tried our hardest to be together and alone at every opportunity, we kept the rules, if for  no other reason than out of respect for my mother and her rules of the house.

My horrible mother - how I love her. I am sure she was seen as being odd with such strict rules, just as Mr and I may appear so now. But I don't care. She was the worst mother in the world to whom I owe much of what I have. I thank her for putting rules in my life to keep me safe from my own poor judgement and decisions.

What are the dating rules you have in your household? How are they working for you? Maybe you deserve a medal as well :-)

Yours in friendship

Mxo

Adoption: An Aunty's tale

I'm not going to even pretend that when it comes to sharing - I'm not very good at it. In fact, if someone wants something that I have, I would rather give it to them than share it. Or if we go somewhere to eat, I would rather buy more of something so that we can enjoy equally and separately :-). Every.Time.

Anyway, the first time I ever heard the saying "sharing is caring" was when my brother's girlfriend (who would eventually be his wife) came into our family. Obviously from a big family who had to make things spread amongst everyone, she learnt how to share and would often be telling us that "sharing was caring", as she cut something into smaller slices so no one missed out. We used to have little giggles about it as a family because our sister-in-law is so good at sharing, yet it never quite stuck with us or maybe it was just me!

So, why am I talking about sharing all of a sudden? Today, I learnt about sharing. Today I attended a baby's blessing. It is one of the formalities that takes place for a baby in our faith. When a baby is born, he or she is given a name (similar to a christening without the water) that will be known on the records of the church and then given what we call a father's blessing. This is where, the baby's father blesses the child to have a good life and all the things he wants to bless the child with. Today was no different. The young proud father gave his beautiful baby girl a name and a lovely blessing that she would be happy and find joy in life.

It was really nice, and such a wonderful blessing, yet in equal parts it was one of the saddest moments in my life. Sharing in the joy of the day with the baby girl's parents and both sets of grandparents and their family was too much for me today. I could hardly breathe, let alone contain my sobs and literally ran from the building as soon as the blessing ended with 'amen'.. 

As I stood outside, I cried and cried and cried for my loss. Because the little baby girl wasn't just anybody, no, this precious baby was my family's first moko, She was given to her new family by my niece. So the name that was given today was not ours, but our baby's new family name.

While I sat in the car with my brother, the baby's maternal birth-grandfather, I sobbed freely and all I wanted to do was run to my mother's graveside! The loss I felt was akin to that of losing her. All the potential of having a moko was given to someone else to enjoy. And the thought, as is our belief, the baby would be sealed to her new parents for all eternity was just a little more than I could take today.

And although sharing is caring, on this side of the adoption equation, and I pray for only a brief season, it bites!!

In my head, I know that our baby has gone to parents who will love her just as much if not more than us. She has gone to a mother and father who love each other and who are sealed to each other forever. My beautiful grand niece has two sets of grandparents who are faithful members of our church. She will have awesome role models of womanhood, because her new mum and grandmothers are strong, hardworking and beautiful. 

But in my heart, I also know that she will never hear me telling jokes. She is never going to hear stories that we have told all of our children. She won't get to ride in the car while I make it bunny hop! She will never get a bear hug from me that every niece and nephew has to endure. She will probably be grateful for it, but she will never hear me snoring, and listen to me sleeping through movie marathons. She will never hear me laugh or sing. She is never going to know me. She will never know how much she is loved by me.... 

And sadly, she will not know until she is older, and only if she wants to know us, how much it hurt to give her away.

And in the height of all ironies, it is through the ultimate sacrifice of giving her up for adoption by her tummy mummy, that her Grand-Aunt has finally learnt that sharing is caring. 

Bye bye my baby niece.

Love, your Aunty Mxo

Lessons from a bishop's wife

Recently, my husband was released as the Bishop.

He had been given the 'heads up' a few weeks earlier, but already had had two poignant dreams on two separate occasions months before so he was ready. But despite that, on the day he was sad and tearful, not because of the office he held but because he would miss being such an intimate part of people's lives that he had grown to love. He was going to miss the people. A few nights after he met with the new Bishop to do a 'hand over' and he returned home after that meeting happy and free of any burdens. It was if a weight or as we like to call it - the 'mantel' had surely lifted and now sat with the new guy. We both wish him all the best.... 

Being Mr's wife is a privilege every day, and being a Bishop's wife was an honour. His release has made me reflect on my time as a Bishop's wife and the lessons I've learnt.

Time and a season

When a friend, not of my  faith found out Mr had been released she asked me why? She was concerned that he may have done something that warranted a release. I assured her that he didn't do anything wrong, and explained that after five plus years, it was time to give someone else a turn. She seemed satisfied with that answer although not quite sure if she was to be happy or sad for him :-) I told her be happy that he had the opportunity to serve and now has a different assignment. So yes, you learn that callings and assignments are for a time, so any stressors, pressures or whatever is faced, do come to an end. 

Humility

I tried not to refer to Mr as Bishop in front of my friends because I didn't want to feel like I was elevating him or myself. In hindsight, that sounds lame, but in my mind I always remembered calling a home and the wife answered "You've called the #***# home. This is the Bishop's wife speaking" and decided then if I was ever in that position I wouldn't use the Bishop as a title for myself. Don't get me wrong, I felt privileged and equally as humbled to be married to a man who was chosen to be a leader, but I always clear it was his title/role not mine. It was helpful that Mr remained humble throughout but maybe next time I will address him humbly :-)

Respect

I learnt that people respected the role of Bishop, but in particular, Polynesians. Mr was the Bishop for two young men, one marrying into a Tongan family and the other marrying into a Samoan family. I was impressed by the respect that is offered to leaders of the church at both of those weddings, where at the Tongan wedding he was given gifts and blanket at the Samoan wedding (our son's) he was given a cake from the 21 teired wedding cake (as the Bishop of the groom).  Even my father, and his siblings (my aunties and uncles) always acknowledged Mr as the Bishop at family gatherings when it is usually the children who 'mihi' (acknowledge) our elders. I was always reminded that the Bishop is special calling and I will try and remember to respect my husband regardless of what calling he holds. 

Support 

I learnt how to support my husband during my time as a Bishop's wife. I had always been a supporter but I learnt how to do it from the back and not the front, at his side, and silently. I learnt to let him lead and be supportive of whatever he did. I developed the skill of being internally critical and externally loyal. All of these things I had done over the years of being married to Mr, but in this role I refined it. I never ever wanted to hear people saying of me, "the Bishop's wife runs the ward!" Oh no no no! I did everything in my power to not be 'that' wife. Now I can use those skills and keeping supporting Mr and let him lead in our home :-) Don't ask my friends how I am doing :-)

Love & Service

I learnt from Mr  to genuinely love and serve people. I recognised that when people came to see the Bishop, it was either while their lives were going fantastic or they were in their darkest days. He performed marriages, and conducted funeral services. He did those humbly and in love. Sometimes he would ask me to accompany him on visits with people and they would always be so happy to see him and know he cared and he did and he still does. I enjoyed this pastoral part of his role the most, being with him as he gave comfort to people always made me feel better! I need to continue serving!

There are things I should have done or could have done better. Maybe I should have been a more manicured wife, walked and talked like a model and diplomat. But I didn't. I was the same then as I am now - a little rough but true and not fake. And in the end, I wasn't the Bishop - I was his friend, his sound board, his fixer, his female eye, and his companion. I did my job. I loved him, wiped his tears, fixed his collar, dusted off his jacket and sent him back out there every day. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I wish our new Bishop's wife all the best. She's going to be amazing!

Until the next time,

Yours in friendship,

Mxo