Not today! Not at all!

Recently I have had the opportunity to reflect on some things. Attending funerals have a way of doing that I guess! And while I was reflecting - my mind taking a break from the proceedings of the day - I came to the conclusion that I am the captain of my own destiny. I already knew this but it in that one moment of clarity, it was like a thunder bolt had come down and started jumping up and down on my bouncy noggin of a brain!

I realised that I was holding on to stuff - like bad stuff that had happened to people, and it was making me angry and disillusioned. I had thought about and agonised over the pain that was caused, the tears that had been shed, and I took on all that hurt, and personally. The build up over a matter of days, weeks and months, left me overwhelmed and often, with a sense of  hopelessness. I felt there was nothing I could do and nowhere I could go.... And in this one moment, sitting at a funeral, it dawned on be - there was nothing to do because it wasn't my problem! It had nothing to do to me so why should I be holding on to that, and just like that I could hear Demi Lovato singing loud and clear - "let it go!"

So, I decided then and there, and over the past few days, that, even with empathy as one of my strengths, I am NOT going to take on other people's problems. In fact, I am going to coat myself in real-life teflon. I am going to be a non-stick human. I am going to care deeply about what happens to people, but in order for that darkness to get to my core it has to get over and through a trump-like concrete wall called - not today! not at all! I love the saying "you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to" and I'm going to chose not to attend any at all!

And as I sat there having this grand epiphany I could feel all of this weight lift off my shoulders. 

Not to be one to just sit there and ponder without doing something about it, I started to envisage writing down each thing that was getting me down, all the things that I had heard had happened to people that I care about, or just things that happened that were not right, but no one seemed to be addressing and fixing them, and then scrunching them up and literally getting rid of them by throwing them in the rubbish or shredding them. I am sooooooo looking forward to doing this something in the weekend.

I also made a pledge to myself, right there on that cold autumn morning, that in order to take care of myself, I am going to follow Socrates three gateways for speaking and apply it to when I am receiving information which are 1) Is it true?, 2) Is it kind? and in particular, 3) Is it necessary? Most of the information that comes to me about people, meet at least one or two of those, but from now on, information is going to have to meet them all. I no longer want to know anything that does not matter, does not conern me or my family and especially about things that are outside of my control. If I have to know information, for example at work, and for work - then I will keep it in a box called work and get it out during work hours.

To help myself, I am going to surround myself with like-minded people and be the person other people don't feel comfortable being around when talking about others. I want to be the person that people gravitate to when they want to say good things about people. And I will not take on other people's rubbish. No can do. Not today! Not at all!

I certainly am going to tighten my circle of trust and review who I hold in my confidence.

I am going to cut bad talk out of my dialogue and practice my word of rthe year which is EDIFY - to "instruct or improve (someone) morally or intellectually"

And if all else fails, I will do as my mother taught me - don't say anything if I had nothing NICE to say! or even as late as her last days, and from her death bed, she counselled me to "be positive" And I know this for sure - mums know everything and she thought  I should be more positive, then its what I need to do - and the timing is perfect!

Anyone out there know what I mean?

Yours in friendship.

Mxo

Dating Rules: A generation later

I had the worst mother in the world.

She was so strict I could hardly breathe without her knowing what I was doing. I don't know how she did it but she didn't need GPS to find out where I was - and she had nothing on the CIA, FBI, DEA or any other agency when it came to finding out who I was with. Her rules were just as bad. School, home and church were the only sanctioned venues on the 'allowed to visit' list :-) And time allowed to get to and from each of those places and home was 15mins. 

My mother was strict alright, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I am so grateful for that. She is the reason I am where I am today. She is the reason my moral compass has a true north. She is reason I have a great life now - all because of her hard work she put in when I was growing up. 

She deserves a medal awarded posthumously for putting up with me and my siblings and just quietly, I think she would be tickled pink to see me having some of those same struggles with her moko - especially around her dating rules! Like me as a teenager and young adult, her moko do not understand the rationale behind the dating rules especially, and like myself back in the day, they have friends who live lives quite happily without any rules, or very relaxed ones. The counter arguments  such as "your rules don't make sense, they are out-of-date, aren't logical and/or have no doctrinal basis" are the same in 2017 as they were during 1985-91! What's ironic is the answers (more like comebacks) back then are the same as today which is going to be one of two things - as my mother said and I heard Mr repeat - "if you live in my house - these are my rules!" And probably most importantly, "keeping our rules is about one thing: RESPECT!"

For us, our sons have done most of their courting overseas in the homes of their one true loves and totally subject to the rules of their in-laws. So for the most part Mr and I have missed out on establishing our rules. However, we both agree that whatever happened overseas did not or does not change what Mr and I have in our home. Recently, Mr had the opportunity to outline the dating rules 2017 which he had memorised from the same ones my mother outlined for him while we were dating from 1988-91:

1) Don't go in the rooms alone. You can't get up to mischief if you are out in the open and everyone can see you.  I remember clearly, there was nothing more I wanted to do than to be with my boyfriend alone every chance I could.

2) Don't stay in the house together alone. You must have super powers far exceeding anything ever known if you can be in a house alone and keep your hands to yourself, and lastly

3) Whenever you are sitting around keep your feet on the ground. Basically, don't lie around together.  Besides taking up more room on the sofas - it's not cool. Sit up and be present. 

Straight away I recognised in my son the "look" I had. The disbelief that a parent would second guess ones noble intentions. The lack of faith in ones ability to withstand temptation was written on his face. And although my son assures me, nothing further could be from his mind, as parents we're equally vehement in our surprise because every other human we knew and know felt like we did. And that was that all his father and I wanted to do at his age, was to get married and honeymoon away our lives right then and there.

Why rules at all? Well, in my faith, there is no sexual connection before marriage, that's all saved for after the wedding. And the ultimate goal for most LDS young men and women is to be married in the temple. A wedding in the temple seals that marriage for time and all eternity, not just for this life, but into the next. And there should be no sex before that day. So the rules help to keep everyone safe and satan well away! And even more basic than that, back in my day, it was to ensure that my sister and I never got pregnant before we were married. 

And it worked - just. Lets just say, Mr and I had a very tactile relationship. We were affectionate and enjoyed PDA (public  displays of affection) that must have had my poor mother on HIGH alert every minute! Although Mr and I tried our hardest to be together and alone at every opportunity, we kept the rules, if for  no other reason than out of respect for my mother and her rules of the house.

My horrible mother - how I love her. I am sure she was seen as being odd with such strict rules, just as Mr and I may appear so now. But I don't care. She was the worst mother in the world to whom I owe much of what I have. I thank her for putting rules in my life to keep me safe from my own poor judgement and decisions.

What are the dating rules you have in your household? How are they working for you? Maybe you deserve a medal as well :-)

Yours in friendship

Mxo

Adoption: An Aunty's tale

I'm not going to even pretend that when it comes to sharing - I'm not very good at it. In fact, if someone wants something that I have, I would rather give it to them than share it. Or if we go somewhere to eat, I would rather buy more of something so that we can enjoy equally and separately :-). Every.Time.

Anyway, the first time I ever heard the saying "sharing is caring" was when my brother's girlfriend (who would eventually be his wife) came into our family. Obviously from a big family who had to make things spread amongst everyone, she learnt how to share and would often be telling us that "sharing was caring", as she cut something into smaller slices so no one missed out. We used to have little giggles about it as a family because our sister-in-law is so good at sharing, yet it never quite stuck with us or maybe it was just me!

So, why am I talking about sharing all of a sudden? Today, I learnt about sharing. Today I attended a baby's blessing. It is one of the formalities that takes place for a baby in our faith. When a baby is born, he or she is given a name (similar to a christening without the water) that will be known on the records of the church and then given what we call a father's blessing. This is where, the baby's father blesses the child to have a good life and all the things he wants to bless the child with. Today was no different. The young proud father gave his beautiful baby girl a name and a lovely blessing that she would be happy and find joy in life.

It was really nice, and such a wonderful blessing, yet in equal parts it was one of the saddest moments in my life. Sharing in the joy of the day with the baby girl's parents and both sets of grandparents and their family was too much for me today. I could hardly breathe, let alone contain my sobs and literally ran from the building as soon as the blessing ended with 'amen'.. 

As I stood outside, I cried and cried and cried for my loss. Because the little baby girl wasn't just anybody, no, this precious baby was my family's first moko, She was given to her new family by my niece. So the name that was given today was not ours, but our baby's new family name.

While I sat in the car with my brother, the baby's maternal birth-grandfather, I sobbed freely and all I wanted to do was run to my mother's graveside! The loss I felt was akin to that of losing her. All the potential of having a moko was given to someone else to enjoy. And the thought, as is our belief, the baby would be sealed to her new parents for all eternity was just a little more than I could take today.

And although sharing is caring, on this side of the adoption equation, and I pray for only a brief season, it bites!!

In my head, I know that our baby has gone to parents who will love her just as much if not more than us. She has gone to a mother and father who love each other and who are sealed to each other forever. My beautiful grand niece has two sets of grandparents who are faithful members of our church. She will have awesome role models of womanhood, because her new mum and grandmothers are strong, hardworking and beautiful. 

But in my heart, I also know that she will never hear me telling jokes. She is never going to hear stories that we have told all of our children. She won't get to ride in the car while I make it bunny hop! She will never get a bear hug from me that every niece and nephew has to endure. She will probably be grateful for it, but she will never hear me snoring, and listen to me sleeping through movie marathons. She will never hear me laugh or sing. She is never going to know me. She will never know how much she is loved by me.... 

And sadly, she will not know until she is older, and only if she wants to know us, how much it hurt to give her away.

And in the height of all ironies, it is through the ultimate sacrifice of giving her up for adoption by her tummy mummy, that her Grand-Aunt has finally learnt that sharing is caring. 

Bye bye my baby niece.

Love, your Aunty Mxo

Lessons from a bishop's wife

Recently, my husband was released as the Bishop.

He had been given the 'heads up' a few weeks earlier, but already had had two poignant dreams on two separate occasions months before so he was ready. But despite that, on the day he was sad and tearful, not because of the office he held but because he would miss being such an intimate part of people's lives that he had grown to love. He was going to miss the people. A few nights after he met with the new Bishop to do a 'hand over' and he returned home after that meeting happy and free of any burdens. It was if a weight or as we like to call it - the 'mantel' had surely lifted and now sat with the new guy. We both wish him all the best.... 

Being Mr's wife is a privilege every day, and being a Bishop's wife was an honour. His release has made me reflect on my time as a Bishop's wife and the lessons I've learnt.

Time and a season

When a friend, not of my  faith found out Mr had been released she asked me why? She was concerned that he may have done something that warranted a release. I assured her that he didn't do anything wrong, and explained that after five plus years, it was time to give someone else a turn. She seemed satisfied with that answer although not quite sure if she was to be happy or sad for him :-) I told her be happy that he had the opportunity to serve and now has a different assignment. So yes, you learn that callings and assignments are for a time, so any stressors, pressures or whatever is faced, do come to an end. 

Humility

I tried not to refer to Mr as Bishop in front of my friends because I didn't want to feel like I was elevating him or myself. In hindsight, that sounds lame, but in my mind I always remembered calling a home and the wife answered "You've called the #***# home. This is the Bishop's wife speaking" and decided then if I was ever in that position I wouldn't use the Bishop as a title for myself. Don't get me wrong, I felt privileged and equally as humbled to be married to a man who was chosen to be a leader, but I always clear it was his title/role not mine. It was helpful that Mr remained humble throughout but maybe next time I will address him humbly :-)

Respect

I learnt that people respected the role of Bishop, but in particular, Polynesians. Mr was the Bishop for two young men, one marrying into a Tongan family and the other marrying into a Samoan family. I was impressed by the respect that is offered to leaders of the church at both of those weddings, where at the Tongan wedding he was given gifts and blanket at the Samoan wedding (our son's) he was given a cake from the 21 teired wedding cake (as the Bishop of the groom).  Even my father, and his siblings (my aunties and uncles) always acknowledged Mr as the Bishop at family gatherings when it is usually the children who 'mihi' (acknowledge) our elders. I was always reminded that the Bishop is special calling and I will try and remember to respect my husband regardless of what calling he holds. 

Support 

I learnt how to support my husband during my time as a Bishop's wife. I had always been a supporter but I learnt how to do it from the back and not the front, at his side, and silently. I learnt to let him lead and be supportive of whatever he did. I developed the skill of being internally critical and externally loyal. All of these things I had done over the years of being married to Mr, but in this role I refined it. I never ever wanted to hear people saying of me, "the Bishop's wife runs the ward!" Oh no no no! I did everything in my power to not be 'that' wife. Now I can use those skills and keeping supporting Mr and let him lead in our home :-) Don't ask my friends how I am doing :-)

Love & Service

I learnt from Mr  to genuinely love and serve people. I recognised that when people came to see the Bishop, it was either while their lives were going fantastic or they were in their darkest days. He performed marriages, and conducted funeral services. He did those humbly and in love. Sometimes he would ask me to accompany him on visits with people and they would always be so happy to see him and know he cared and he did and he still does. I enjoyed this pastoral part of his role the most, being with him as he gave comfort to people always made me feel better! I need to continue serving!

There are things I should have done or could have done better. Maybe I should have been a more manicured wife, walked and talked like a model and diplomat. But I didn't. I was the same then as I am now - a little rough but true and not fake. And in the end, I wasn't the Bishop - I was his friend, his sound board, his fixer, his female eye, and his companion. I did my job. I loved him, wiped his tears, fixed his collar, dusted off his jacket and sent him back out there every day. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I wish our new Bishop's wife all the best. She's going to be amazing!

Until the next time,

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

A natural woman!

So, when Alicia Keys came out with her natural woman look with no makeup recently - I had a little giggle because so many kiwis/women in my life do not wear makeup and are straight up natural women all the time. Every. Day. It made me think about the complexities of being a woman....

I know women who do not look in the mirror or hide away, some of whom do not have mirrors in the home because they don't want to see what is in front of them. Ugly, deformity, fat, or jelly bellies are all that they see when they look in the mirror which makes no sense. It hurts me to see these women feel like this because, if there is nothing else you learn in this life - we have to know that we are all made in the image of our creator. We are of divine heritage, that I believe, and because of that, we are beautiful in his eyes - perfectly beautiful. I learnt a long time ago that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and we are the original beholders are we not - so look in the mirror ladies - accept the truth - we may be lumpy, but we are alive and breathing! And even for the ones who think they are too skinny - you too - look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are alive and strong! Even if you don't believe a word of it to start with - keep saying it until you do :-)

I have seen handsome men with women who are average, and for me, and probably the most relevant big women with smaller an attractive men and wondered why or how! I've even had someone who after meeting Mr and then met me, actually say "you must have a lovely personality"! As if to say there could be no other reason why he would have married me. So I personally know how flawed it is to think that people are not attracted because of anything other than visually, but it is human nature at its rawest, and I am only human. It is in these moments where my eyes mislead me that I remind myself of the movie 'Shallow Hal' where Jack Black's character sees Gwyneth Paltrow's character as a beautiful skinny girl when in reality she's a very big girl. The movie teaches us about inner beauty and how wrong we are to judge people on their outside beauty alone!

My inner turmoil, shared my many around self-image and self confidence is intensified because my husband is a handsome man. He looks practically the same as the day I met and fell in love with him.    He is getting older and the gray hairs are showing up mostly on the sides which as I get older is kinda sexy.  Ohhhkay and I digress... where were we?? Aaahh yes - moi.  Myself on the other hand, well I let myself go and don't look anything like I did when we met, hence the comment about my personality!

What is funny is that for  some reason I thought I had done this in isolation, and in some corner of my brain, thought that maybe Mr hadn't noticed ;-) But I got that totally wrong (beside the obvious - the man is not blind!), when we sat the boys down and talked about what to look for in an eternal companion. Mr eloquently, and matter-of-factly explained to the boys that the woman they fell in love with, may phsyically change over time, after they have children he said, and their bodies change.... and pointed to their mother as an example. I wasn't sure if I should be offended or not, but what I definitely was, was impressed. That a man I have been with for almost 30 years, actually had noticed that I was not skinny anymore (duh!), and loves me still. We talked about it and I asked him if it bothered him, and he said in the the early days it did but as we got older he accepted the changes in my body as part of me and although he would love me to be healthy, that was my choice, and by body. 

Remember that. Our bodies are ours and we are fashioned in the image of God. We are perfectly beautiful to Him and those around us. We have to own it, lock it into our core and believe it. Let's try and be confident and we will become more attractive as we get stronger. Or at the very least feel better about ourselves. Why don't we get in front of our mirrors and embrace our beautiful selves -squishy bits and all  and on the days when we can't do it - then find another sista, even in our pjs - and let her remind us what rock stars we really are!!

To my beautiful friends, you  are a natural woman and you are amazing.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

PS: feel free to leave a comment or become a follower to hear my next drop of ramblings...

Dear son

Dear Son

I thought I would write a short note to let you know how much I love you. By now you should know that you are my world and all I do is for you and your brother. I know that sounds cheesy but it is actually truer than true! Your father and I have been blessed with the best boys. Ever since that day, 21 years ago, we have tried to be the best parents to you...

Watching you grow and navigate this next part of your journey,  and seeing the challenges you face - I sometimes feel uncomfortable because of how I raised you and think if there was anything I would have done different. Lately I have even felt like I should be apologising to you but I refuse...

I am not sorry that I raised you to be a King even when there are people in your lives that will treat you less than that. Instead it will teach to recognise in others who know their own self worth and not dependant on you to keep telling them so.

I am not sorry that I raised you to stand up for what you believe in, when there are others who bend to the whims of popular thought. It has taught you to be strong and face the tests that await you with courage and strength.

I am not apologising  for setting standards and boundaries that kept you safe, when there are some who say there is unlimited freedom without them. Instead, you have been liberated from the restrictions poor choices would have had on your life and you have limitless options ahead of you.

I am not sorry to have raised you to expect there is an equal to you and the way you have been raised, when that may have been unrealistic. What I see it has taught you is to recognise the divine worth in others and have a willingness to help someone reach their own potential.

I will not apologise for teaching you to put God into your life and keep him there even when people you know have forgotten this. I know it is this focus that the atonement is real and that you and I need this gift daily.

By now you would have a perfect understanding of your mother's weaknesses and for this I do apologise. I am still learning even though I am OLD. Learn from me and know that I may have got many things wrong - but it was always while in pursuit of becoming a better mother.

As you prepare for the next chapter in your lives, know that there is no other who loves you like your mother.

Your mum xox

Launching....

A life ago, I used to teach human development to a group of rangatahi (young people) who were moving towards either being a midwife or a nurse. It was a great job, and to be honest I am sure I learnt more than anyone else! One thing I used to teach which still  gets me every time is something called LAUNCHING - basically its the time in the development of a human, when an adult/parent lets their children go and these offspring are literally launched or propelled into life on their own without you.

Well - its coming up that time for me and I have to tell you - it ain't easy for this mama bear! I kind of know what to expect because our sons left home for two years to serve an LDS mission in the Dominican Republic. But this time, there is no expectation for them to return... and to be honest an expectation that they will NOT return...

I know my friends try and tell me to "harden up" and "get used to it" and "better still to wait until I get grandchildren". But, my thinking is that I don't want to wait for grandchildren because I LOVE the children I already have ;-) That plus the fact that for a mother of sons, is that those blessed grand-babies are going to come along with beautiful daughter-in-laws... Soooo back to the launching! 

Thankfully the mission help, so I am better prepared for when they do leave but my thoughts today are about the time period before they actually leave or are launched!


Get going!
Being a parent of an adult child. Now that is something else. Some days, I feel like the mother in this cartoon and want them gone like a fly on a summer day. I know people who have employed the tactic of giving their children a 'magic' age, when their child is deemed old enough to look after themselves - outside of the home and independent of their parents. Some of these children have gone on to flourish, and some left well before their 'age/number' kicked in and others have not. And although I sometimes wish I had given the boys the number of 21, now they are 21, I am glad that was a discussion we NEVER had - because although they may be ready - I AIN'T - yet, almost but not quite yet ;-).

Parental expectations
SO what's the problem? It's not really a problem - its just that your baby just got ADULT ;-) And here you are, in the same body, the same person as you were when they were a baby - just a bit older (and in case - waaaay heavier :-)), and still a parent. All the expectations you had as a parent, do not automatically disappear when your children are living with you and this is the first thing you need to overcome - because although you may not have changed - EVERYTHING has CHANGED. Gone are the rewards and punishments that you would engage when your children were babies, like grounding, or taking the phone off, giving gold star stickers etc and what you are left with are conversations - like adults - I know when sometimes, all you want to do is a good old drop-kick - no!! reasonable conversations and discussion are all you have left. Adult conversations - who knew I would be having these at work and at home! Anyone out there been successful with this? ;-)

A season for letting go...
What is becoming clearer for me as each day goes by, navigating the way through this adult-adult mother-son relationship is that the timing of this next phase is almost here.  It's a feeling of readiness that is growing inside me and I am grateful for the way things have turned out. You see when my sons came back from their missions, I swore that they were never going to go away again! I said it, but always knew in my heart that this was not going to be my reality - but as I touched and kissed them every day for the first few months, this feeling of readiness to let go started to sprout. They have been home 9 months now, both been at University, they teach a Missionary Preparation class, go to church, are both dating - although long distance for now, traveled overseas on their own to spend time with their girlfriends, and they go out with friends. All of these things are normal and in a way preparing me for this time and the season. I feel like I am going to be ready ;-) There! I've said it :-)

Accepting the 'new' look motherhood

When I think about the boys leaving, I sometimes get sad and I figure it is because I am in fact mourning for that part of my life that is over. Mourning for the doting mother, who ran around doing

things for her child, and who even on their missions maintained the intensity of her role of mother (which never decreased just because the boys were overseas), who with typical (of me - those who know me will agree) gusto sent them packages (at great expense), emailed weekly with photos, and kept a photographic journal of her life while they were away etc, all of which to fulfill her yearning need to be 'that' mother.. All of that part of my life has been lived and is over. And what is left is moving through this transition and accepting this new version of  being a mother and parent. The 'in your face' parenting has gone - replaced with being available when needed. With this, is the next phase for me and that is learning to trust that what I have done, everything I have done for my sons, has prepared them to be better than me, to love their children more than I did, and to launch them better than I am. Isn't this the ultimate role of a parent - to raise children to have more than what you had adn to be able to live without you! I accept this, well, learning to accept this and look forward to seeing how this all pans out ;-)

So there you have - launching - what it really feels like for a mother, well this mother! Does it make me crazy? Perhaps it has brought out the kooky-ness in me - but lets be real, there was already so much kooky-ness there in the first place ;-) Seriously and truthfully, I know for sure, I am going to do this 'launching' business the best I can - because after all, that is all each one of us can do - our very best!

Take care of you - love your children well, because, too soon - they will leave...

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Announcements

The funny thing about making announcements - is that it looks a bit ridiculous when you don't follow through! Case in point...... back in February, I made the announcement that I was coming back to the blogging space.... only to find six months later I had written nothing, not a peep, nada ;-) so I thought I better improve upon this and here I am da-dah ;-) 

It reminds me of the spectacular announcement I made in another blog a few years ago, about re-meeting the skinny me. I remember writing it while I was eating a spinach salad for dinner and loving it! I was happy because weight was dropping off me - (I was practically starving myself - drinking shakes for the other two meals - but it was coming off!!) So about that announcement! Let's just say, Skinny is being kept nice an warm and a happy little camper out of our freezing winter folded up, deep down under many many many many layers ;-)

While we are at it. I've been working for the same company for 13 years - not straight 13 years mind you - I was made redundant after the first three. I then applied for a new position under the new structure, and was successful, but after six years of that new job I tapped out and made the announcement that I was resigning. I sent out the farewell email to the few friends I had in the organisation, with 'the' song - "You're the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me".... I know - it was epic! I had the big farewell - got the gifts and walked away..... And then, 8 months later, I walked back into another role which I applied for, and although in a different role, I've been back for 4 years. So much for that announcement right?

What about the announcement I seem to make every couple of years that I am doing my PhD. That one has even made it into my CV - isn't that funny ;-) Three little letters that has taken me over 15 years to actually come to pass - well lets say we are the closest I have actually been to making it happen.... but no announcement this time until I am ENROLLED ;-)

But that's ALL in the past.... and they haven't gone too bad right - but who am I kidding..... Not to be seen as a quitter - I have some new announcements to add to my 2016 list ;-) and thought I would lay them out here and see where we go....

Every year I hold a Pink Ribbon Breakfast in honour of my beautiful mother who passed away from breast cancer in 2007. Every year, I made a mental note, or rather a silent announcement that it will be my last year.... only to host another one that gets bigger every year. As a side note, every year I swear I am going to be smaller at the next one, but like my fundraising - I seem to be getting bigger as well ;-) This year after, possibly being carried away on the good vibrations of a successful event, I made an announcement that for my mum's 10th anniversary, I will holding a Pink Ribbon Ball. Oh. My. Life!

Photo Credit: Avi Stoddard

So there's that one. The next three are pretty big, the first is that I am going to present at an international conference (yet to be accepted but now its out there - lets see how that goes...) and the second and third are to to do with my beautiful baby boys who turn 21 next week. The next announcements to come up for me are their engagements & wedding dates! Yes, my 2-3 followers, I'm going to become a mother-in-law sooner rather than later.... Those of you who know how I feel about these two human beings will know how much they are growing up - and the next little bit of life is going to be one heck of an adventure!!

So I guess that's about the only announcements that I can handle at the moment. I am officially back in the blogging space now so that's one I have managed to make and keep in the same year - a great start.

Take care out there people. Be good to each other, and next time you announce anything, make sure it happens. And if it doesn't - then make sure you have a smile about it and try again later ;-)

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

I'm back!

Hi ya!

Its been a looooong time since I was here and it's good to be back in the blogging space again. I know I should have called this blog - 'bout time!

When I left this blog was called 5 lessons in 2 minutes. In 2010, the idea of this blog was to share 5 lessons that I had learnt on a particular topic and to write it in a way that someone could read it in 2 minutes. The funny thing is that, one of my first blogs, I got a comment back saying that it took longer to read my lessons in 2 minutes!

So here I am - re-branding or re-launching my blog - and what better way than with a new name - 'Bout That! Its been set up along the same lines as the previous blog - but gone are the time restrictions or the number of lessons learnt.... This time its just going to be me sharing my thoughts and ideas on a subject - as if I you and I were talking and you mention something, and then 'ping!' and idea comes to my mind and I say back to you - 'bout that' and I give some random thoughts on whatever we would be talking about....

And that's 'bout it! Since I have been away so much has changed, yet stayed the same. I'm still a mother - but now I'm the mother of two adult men - I still call them my boys - who are off to university. Mr is still around and so is my cat - although I am a year closer to getting a dog...

Why am I doing this? Well, living in a house of boys that don't talk - and being the only girl here, as a gift to myself, I have decided - I need to get me some different friends - and here I am - talking to you.

I know everyone is busy, so, for a few minutes (or longer), check out my blog and tell me what ou think by leaving a comments and thoughts 'bout that!

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Being a Woman

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine set up a facebook page called NRG Godesses. The idea behind it was to celebrate the brilliance of being a woman and empowering womanhood in each sister that contributed. An invitation was extended to each woman to supply a photo and a saying or mantra that they practice in their life. I continued to watch the posts of amazing women and the profound things they have to share, and then, I decided I was going to contribute a photo as well....

Although a simple request, I have been surprised at the depth of the self-reflection that has gone into this process. In fact, it has turned out to be a little more complicated than what I thought. Not wanting to just supply a selfie from my iphone, I decided that if I was going to get a photo taken, I would get a real photographer to do it. And if she was going to be real, then I better look real, and got a hair and make up artist to work her magic as well.... I can tell you from this simple exercise - I have been enlightened for sure.

So I start off my re-launch of my blog - 'bout that! with what I have learnt about being a woman. I do so, using the photos from my recent photo shoot.

Beautiful

I have discovered that beautiful is a word that I use a lot and as I get older, I actually mean it. No longer is the word just attached to how someone looks, but it could be an accomplishment, a song, a poem, a conversation, a dress, or an action. It is becoming more of a word attached to a feeling than just a description. I have also learnt that we can all be beautiful, regardless of what the outside shell looks like - because it is the life that you lead, the works and service that is done that makes someone beautiful. You need to be humble to become beautiful, because you have to give up or in popular vernacular of the day - "let go" of your self-hatred, and poor self-image/esteem - because these are prideful and the humble are beautiful...

My makeup artist - Lucie Tuia and photographer - Kimberley Berryman, both gifted in their work, not only made me feel beautiful on the outside, but I was surprised that what they actually achieved was matching what people would see with how I feel inside. I also learnt while I was going through this process that instead of waiting for Mr to send me a "you are beautiful" bone after 25 years of marriage, it was up to me to re-affirm that I am a beautiful person for myself and not to rely on what others think. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin! Well, I am trying!

Take the time

On the day of the photo shoot, I finished work a little early and came home so Lucie could get started. She asked me when the last time I had my makeup done for me and I said my wedding day, and I realised how sad that was. This was confirmed when Mr came home from work and started wondering what was going on, and commented that he hadn't seen me like this since our wedding day! Why hadn't I taken the time out of the last two decades to get myself done up? Why had I not bothered to have some 'M' time and feel like a princess, or be a woman! Why shouldn't I feel like a princess everyday? I am a professional working woman and I need to take the time to be that on the outside and the inside. Definitely a work in progress. 

Remember!

This whole experience has made me realise that I had forgotten what it is like to be a woman, or rather forgotten that I was a woman. Instead I am caught up in my life and busy, busy with things going on. This experience has made me stop and re-evaluate what I wanted my image to look like - and what I want people to see. I give thanks to a talented Kimberley who listened to my vulnerable ramblings and deciphered what I said and went on to capture the woman inside me! I look at these photos and I have to remind myself that that is me. I may live my life in a man-dominated economy and political environment, and even in a house of males - but I am essentially and always will be a 'girl'/woman and need to act that way (whatever that is!). When Mr came home and saw the transformation of his every day wife into someone else - he couldn't believe it. I learnt in that instant, that just because a man doesn't say anything - it doesn't meant that he doesn't care! The way he looked at me reminded me of how he used to watch me when we were at High School! I had forgotten how nice that felt! 

Go for it!

All my friend wanted was a photo with a saying/advice to add to it, which I was able to do. However, I believe I got more out of it than she will ever know. I got to push myself out of my comfort zone, and come out from behind the scene and take a seat in the front, left right and centre! With all of these feelings I was having, and after a great deal of self-talk - I went for it!I didn't wait until later, or until I lost weight - I made the decision then did it. I did something for me - and all about me! I didn't wait for anyone to tell me what do to and how to do it!

Be Happy

The one thing I have discovered during this experience is about being happy. There is no use hanging on to things that can't be changed or not in our control. We are responsible for how we react to things. Be happy with your physical flaws, your imperfections because that's what makes you, you. I have tonnes of them, but during this experience, I realised who am I kidding? I need to be in control of how I feel, and what a feel - and I want to be happy as I am. It took over 45 years to get here - but I am happy and I wouldn't have it any other way!

What makes you the woman you are? Share what you think 'bout that!

Yours in friendship,

Mxo                                                                                     

My Superhero Sons

My sons would be so embarrased to know that I was blogging about them - but I had to share this with you. My twin sons are serving missions for our church in the Dominican Republic. It has been hard work and besides learning a new language they have had to adapt to new culture, and live with conditions they are not used to - like taking bucket showers and using bleach to wash dishes.... and they are loving it!! They are my new superheroes and their super powers are the fact that they are able to turn this old, crabby mother of theirs into a bumbling mess of tears with just a sentence or two, a hand written letter and those most beautiful photos I get nearly every week.... And on top of that - they have teaching me things that I will work on always! What d'ya think about those powers??

Here is what they are teaching me:

To be grateful
"when you lose everything you have and realise you can live like this or that people do live like this -there’s no other life. Last night we taught a lesson at 8pm with no lights. It was so so dark! We still taught and still felt the spirit. That’s what it’s about!"" What an inspiration you are to me my son - be grateful for whatever I have, even if it is nothing - be grateful!

Perseverence

"The missionaries found Sister ####  in 2011 and she continued coming to church every Sunday and hasn’t missed a day since. She has never partaken of the sacrament but always sits there reverently, anyway me and my companion found her in our area booklet and decided to drop by. She explained that she [was ready and wanted] to be baptized so me and my companion re-taught everything which she knew and then got permisson.... So after 3 years of perseverance she finally got what she has been waiting forever for. She participated of the sacrament yesterday for the first time. What an experience that was." I always need to be more persevere more!!

Time for Work and a Time for Play



I have learnt from my baby boys that they are working hard and not to worry that they are idling away their time :-) It's good for me to remember this always.... Seeing their busy desks makes me happy to see first they have a lot of the things they were sent with ;-) and also they know how to organise themselves ;-)

Prioritising

After skyping with happy to see first sons (first time we have seen each other in four months -  one of two calls a year),  and showing us his split sole at the bottom of  his shoe - he sends this email "I miss you both a lot even though it’s only been 10mins but I love you both heaps and heaps was nice talking to you both too. Miss home a lot but yeah remember my shoes please haha but yeah. " He knew what was important - but he knew his shoes were a priority!

Happiness

One thing I have learnt from mymissionaries, something I always knew but has been rewarding to re-know it - is what happiness is as a parent. True happiness for me, as a missionary mama is to see my sons happy - like joyful happy, regardless of their surroundings, environment, new language, different culture and practices - they are happy - and because of that - because I can see the light in their eyes - my life is happy!

 I hope you are learning from those around you because lessons can be found anywhere!

Yours in friendship

Mxo

If only I was that clever!!

I have thought about blogging so many times but just never made it to my computer.... hopeless I know.... but today I left a meeting where I felt if I didn't blog it - I would be the most ungrateful soul EVER!!

And it is all because of a story that I re-knewed today.... I had it marked and the passages are annotated so I had obviously seen it before but today it was meant to be for me - and I wanted to share the lessons I am grateful to have learnt....

 

Found in the pages of the Old Testament, the story is read from Numbers chapters 22-24 and 31.

 

Balak is the  King of Moab and is concerned about the rising and possible invasion of the Israelites who outnumbered his people "And Moab was sore afraid of the people, because they were many: and Moab was distressed because of he children of Israel" (Numbers 22:3).  Balak calls for Balaam - described by many as a soothsayer, or someone well-known for his ability to bless and curse people - and King Balak asks Balaam to curse the Israelites.

 

Each time he sent the request for this curse, Balak send more promises of wealth, with the status of his messengers rising with each request.

 

Balaam sought the Lord and asked if it was something that he should do and upon each request, the Lord forbid Balaam to do such a thing. After getting a 'no' many times, the Lord tells tells Balaam - to go but he can say "only the word that I shall speak unto thee" (Numbers 22:35)

 

This story is known as the Doctrine of Balaam and is applicable to all of us. You see, the Doctrine of Balaam talks about people (members of the church) who 1) seek exception to God's counsel and commandments, 2) seek earthly rewards and honours and 3) try to introduce worldy ideas, practise or standards into the church. Here are the lessons I picked up.

 

No means no!

I can't believe that someone would be so arrogant, ignorant, or just plain 'simple' - to not get it the first time. If the Lord, or my church leaders gave me an answer I would do well to listen to them. If my leaders, were then to "say to me, okay then, after saying 'no' on every earlier occasions,  and then after not listening - to all of a sudden get a 'go ahead and do it' then I would really know I was in big trouble!... the lesson: Listen in the first place.

 

Keep your eye on the ball!

I'm not going to win any prices EVER for my sporting prowess, but it doesn't mean I can't learn from others who do possess it ;-) For example, I understand very well one of sporting's well-known catch-cries "keep your eye on the ball" - or in lay-man's words - FOCUS people ;-) King Balak upped the ante each time he requested this curse from Balaam by sending  Princes of Moab and promised to honour Balak by making him more "honourable than they [Princes]" if he would come to him and perform this curse.(Numbers 22:15). In the end, Balak went, with the Lord's concession for a "house full of silver and gold" along with the honours of prior requests. Balaam went to Balak knowing that he would only be able to say whatever the Lord allowed him to say. Balaam's focus was set.... However, the only trouble with that is that an Angel appeared to Balaam a number of times along his travel - yet he never saw it!! His focus was on the wrong thing... The lesson: I pray that I always keep my family, and everything that will make me a better mother as my focus in this life.... not the honours of men, nor riches..

 

Changes for no-good

The story goes on to tell us that Balaam reached the Moabites, and as the Lord said, Balaam was only able to utter what the Lord put into his mouth - which was not a curse, but instead a blessing on the people of Israel!! Of interest  here is that Balaam did manage, not by cursing the Israelites, but by introducing  'new ways' to whittle away the commitment of the members of the church as they "commit[ted] trespass against the Lord... and there was a plague among the congregation of the Lord" (Numbers 31:16). The lesson: the introduction of worldy ideas, practices and standards into the church is never going to happen and that is why I love it.... God is the same yesterday, today and forever and I like it exactly how it is.

 

A talking donkey

One of the coolest elements of the story was the talking donkey. I love animals and think they are cleverer than a great deal of people that I know - so if one was to talk to me - I would clap my hands and say "about time!!" The bit I like about the donkey is that an angel of the Lord appeared to Balaam, and because he was so caught up in the riches and honours that he would be getting, his whole judgement was clouded and he didn't see anything. So when the donkey stopped three times, Balaam beat it for stopping. Then when the donkey asked - "what's your problem?" Balaam said "that if he had been in possession of a sword he would have killed the donkey!!" Then the Lord appears... I loved the talking donkey!

 

Don't overanalyse things

And it is What I love most about the talking donkey is that an animal recognised the angel of the Lord..... because it is what it is.... the donkey didn't stand there and try and second guess itself like I probably would have, it saw and it did. Sometimes we have to do the same - look at things, be prompted to do things, be guided to places and to people and just do it. We will never know the danger that was averted or the impact that decision has made on us and on generations to come.... The lesson: we just need to take the lead from this clever talking donkey - and do!! If only I was do clever ;-)

I want to thank my friend Anne for helping me to re-know this story. She is such an awesome teacher and I look forward to next week to learn more from her.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

A Missionary Mother - 100 days on

My sons are serving missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on a little Island called the Dominican Republic. You may not know where that is, and to be honest, neither did we -but it is a country in the Caribbean that shares the Island with Haiti....

They have been gone for over 100 days and it has been a learning experience for me like nothing I have ever experienced before.

If you are a follower of this blog - you will know that my children are my existence - honestly, they are my sun and my moon and everything in between. I had never realised that being a mother would have been so integral to my self identity until they left and I was home alone with a man I married over 20 years ago...

So what have I learnt as a missionary mother in the past 100 days?

1) You will not die!

I honestly had never felt such intense and profound loss as I did when the boys left since the passing of my beautiful mother. And it hurt like heck!! I may have felt - like physically felt that my heart was breaking and that I was going to die of heartbreak - but chin up fellow missionary mothers - you will not die!! It will hurt - but as a mother, what's a bit of emotional turmoil to keep it real ;-)

2) Be comfortable crying

I have never cried so much in my life - those big rolling fat tears that come out silently and on their own. No sound - just out they come, thick and fast.... 100 days on and I can still cry - but it's not so intense, it's not even every day - just on email days, and when I get a letter or see photos of the boys - y'know - so not as much ;-) So get comfortable crying.........

3) Birds of a feather, flock together

This has been a life saver for me. I was amazed, as I was when my mother passed, the world just keeps on moving. The clock doesn't stop, and although my world had tilted on its axis - it was only my world after all - well mine and Misters.. that was until I found a group of women spread across the world, and even better - here in Aotearoa, who felt exactly the same as me! So, after 100 days - these groups, facebook, and email - continue to be my lifesaver. I cry with them about their missionaries, as they do with mine - total strangers but bound together by this experience of being a missionary mother. Our first NZ Missionary Mama retreat is in July and I am looking forward to it!

4) Thank you for asking

If you care about me in any measure of all - one of the first questions that you have asked is "how are the boys!" and I have to say to all of my friends who have done this - thank you for asking. I can't tell you how that makes me feel to know that you care.... For anyone else, if you don't really want to know and just asking to create small talk - save yourself the trouble and don't ask... because missionary mothers can quickly sense the lack of interest when we watch your eyes roll back into your heads as we respond ;-) And that's fine.... just start with another question to fill in for small talk - and leave the missionary questions for others....

5) Money really is not everything - true story!

I have never felt so money and asset poor in my life! And just as equally, never have I been so blessing and tender mercy rich! It has taken a massive mindshift to adapt to this position, but the strength of my testimony grows every week by my sons' experiences that I can't say that I wouldn't love more money, but it has changed me enough to recognise that worldy possessions, or even a pedicure or a new dress or Overland boots ;-) do not bring me closer to my sons and our God.... but what is doing that is this beautiful connection with my sons on the other side of the world but our shared love for and belief in our faith.... and that my friends is a true story ;-)

So there you have it..... nothing mind boggling or earth shattering, but some very real lessons...

I'll catch you up at the second hundred!

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

Happy 50th Anniversary

We have just celebrated my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary...... now just take a moment and think on that - 50 years - five-zero, five decades, that's half a century of marriage! What an amazing milestone! Not only that - but my mother-in-law also turned 70 years old ;-) Those numbers are amazing to me - for the most part - because none of my mother's siblings have made it to 60 yet - although there is a good chance the last two will ;-) and also - I don't have anyone in my family that has been married for 50 years and more! So it is an amazing and wonderful time for our whole family....

Here are five lessons I have learnt from my beautiful in-laws:

1) A legacy

Having two parents together has been foreign to me, let alone parents who celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.... and the cool thing is that it isn't going to be foreign to my sons... What a wonderful legacy my in-laws are giving my boys, their grandchildren - to know through their wonderful example that marriage can be forever...

2) It won't be easy but it will be worth it
I have heard a quote about life not being easy, but looking back we will be able to say it has been worth it and this applies here as well. My in-laws have not had an easy life. They will not be known for their riches, awards, honours, and status symbols. What they will be known for is being hard working parents of six children who and are all normal, well adjusted citizens making contributions of consequence in their own families and communities. And now, as they sit back now and watch their grandchildren go through life, they can see that their hard work has been worth it... I look forward to this day....

3) The tough get going!

Billie Ocean sang a song in the 80's which says "when the going gets tough - the tough get going" and this has been so true of my in-laws. What I love about this is that my husband has been raised by parents who married 50 years ago and through thick and thin - have stayed together. What this means in my life is that when things go 'south' as they often do in a relationship - my Mr M is unmovable. The first thing to go - is not his marriage.... Too many times, wedding vows become a by-product so easily discarded as soon as challenges arise....

 

4) Love is not what I thought it would be

Before I was married - I thought that love was going to be all that I needed.... turned out it actually took a lot more than that -  like a job, money, a house, children, education and all that jazz. It finally dawned on me that love is still the glue - but it certainly isn't the love I started off with in the beginning. Instead after years of marriage - love is not what I thought it would be - it has turned out to be everything!

3) What parents do matters

Mr M is an awesome husband - even when he is pushed to his limits, he will still be remembered as a wonderful man. His outlook on life, especially in his relationship with his wife and his sons is tender yet strong and powerful. He loves hard and deeply yet is not loud and overly affectionate. He is just right and sometimes can almost be perfect ;-) And do you know where he learnt that from?? His father.... and his relationship with his mother.... so you see, what we do as parents, whether we are married or not - is critical - because our children are always watching and learning from us....

I want to thank my in-laws for being wonderful examples of resilience, commitment and demonstrating what the true meaning of marriage vows are.... I want to thank them for all of the lessons that their love for each other teaches me every day.... Here's to many more!! ;-) xx

 

Yours in friendship

 

Mxo

 

From the Mouth of Babes: Forgiveness

My son and I are going through some challenges at the moment. We love each other dearly and out of him and his brother - her is probably the most like me, so we clash sometimes ;-(

Today we spent some time together and I asked him if he would forgive me for making him feel or saying things that made him feel anything other than loved... In return he told me this story he had recently come across:

"There once was a professor who was teaching  forgiveness. He called a student to the front and gave him a glass and told him to break it. The student dutifully dropped it on the ground and it broke. The professor then asked the student to say sorry to the glass, in which he did. The professor asked the student - "Did saying sorry to the glass fix it?" The student said "No.".

The professor then said to the student - "Do you think you could fix it if you put the pieces together?" The student said "Yes" and proceeded proceeded to pick the pieces up and glue them back together. The student was then asked, "Is the glass fixed? Is the glass fit for purpose?", to which he shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know." The professor then filled it with water and water leaked out through the cracks. He looked at the student and asked "did putting it back together fix it together fix it?" to which the young student said "No".
 

The professor said "leave it alone and go over there", and when the student had turned away, he asked, "Did you fix it by leaving it alone?". The young man said "no".

Then lastly, the professor said to the student - "Replace it", to which the student got another glass and replaced the broken one. The student was then asked "by replacing it - did you fix it?", to which he replied "No, I just replaced it."

The professor then said - this is what forgiveness is like."

I don't know if I was the glass or the student in this story but I certainly him nice and clearly and today out the mouth of babes I was schooled.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Lessons from a Mayfly

Mr M and I were sitting watching a nature show - if you are a follower of my blog - you know we love those programmes!!, and we were watching one by accident and we came across a tiny little insect called a Mayfly. I hate flies so I am sure I would hate one if I ever saw it - but I watched in utter amazement. Since then I have learnt that these little insects start as a little nymph and at a certain time in their life cycle - their tummies fill up with air and they float to the top. It is amazing watching them because if it's not timed right - and they float to the top of the water too early - they become someone's fodder..... Here are my lessons that I have learnt from a Mayfly. I know - lessons from a Mayfly!!

  

1) God is in control
So when a little nymph gets to the top it waits and at a certain temperature - an exact temperature - not a degree more or less - they morph into their next stage with wings.... It was amazing to see this calm water and then all of a sudden these little flies pop up everywhere - trillions of them!! What did I get from this - easy - God is in control. I mean an exact temperature - is an exact technicalityl! He created everything including perfect timing. Amazing.

The next things I learnt come from a mixture of the next stages in the Mayfly's life cycle.

2) Growing up changes you
The next stage in the life of a Mayfly sees them growing wings and flying. They look nothing like their previous stage yet they are the same insect. The metamorphosis process is spectacular. Growing up changes us and depending on the environment - and thankfully for most people - and with maturity - a change for good.

3) Sacrifice for greater good
Between the next two changes in the Mayfly's cycle - the body changes to such an extent that its entire digestive system is replaced with reproductive parts. This means it no longer eats or drinks - and its function from then on - until it's death is focussed on its next generation. This thought made me stop and think about the sacrifice that each fly makes for something bigger than themselves. I could not fathom this on a human level, I mean the Saviour did this for us, but what about on a normal person's level - normal like you and I. What do we sacrifice? Remember - this insect's whole digestive system is replaced!

4) Time is precious

What is so amazing about this little fly - is that it only has 24 hours to live once it has undergone its last change - 24 hours! And in that time, it has to mate and get eggs fertilised before dying. I am ashamed to even think about what I have accomplished in 24 hours... A lesson for me again, and a reminder for us all - that time is precious. We may not have 24 hours to live and die but we do have time to use wisely. Something for me to remember!!

5) Live life to its potential
When a Mayfly has finished what is charged with doing, exhausted - it dies. As there are trillions born at the same time, you would think finding a mate would be easy - but obviously not, as there are many that die without having laid its eggs or having their egg fertilised. This got me thinking about living life to its potential so that at my end, I can be justifiably exhausted because I lived every minute to its potential!

 A Mayfly might be the size of the tip of a tweezer or as big as the tip of a finger - its lessons have been MIGHTY!! What do you think?

Yours in friendship,

Mxo