Lessons from a bishop's wife

Recently, my husband was released as the Bishop.

He had been given the 'heads up' a few weeks earlier, but already had had two poignant dreams on two separate occasions months before so he was ready. But despite that, on the day he was sad and tearful, not because of the office he held but because he would miss being such an intimate part of people's lives that he had grown to love. He was going to miss the people. A few nights after he met with the new Bishop to do a 'hand over' and he returned home after that meeting happy and free of any burdens. It was if a weight or as we like to call it - the 'mantel' had surely lifted and now sat with the new guy. We both wish him all the best.... 

Being Mr's wife is a privilege every day, and being a Bishop's wife was an honour. His release has made me reflect on my time as a Bishop's wife and the lessons I've learnt.

Time and a season

When a friend, not of my  faith found out Mr had been released she asked me why? She was concerned that he may have done something that warranted a release. I assured her that he didn't do anything wrong, and explained that after five plus years, it was time to give someone else a turn. She seemed satisfied with that answer although not quite sure if she was to be happy or sad for him :-) I told her be happy that he had the opportunity to serve and now has a different assignment. So yes, you learn that callings and assignments are for a time, so any stressors, pressures or whatever is faced, do come to an end. 

Humility

I tried not to refer to Mr as Bishop in front of my friends because I didn't want to feel like I was elevating him or myself. In hindsight, that sounds lame, but in my mind I always remembered calling a home and the wife answered "You've called the #***# home. This is the Bishop's wife speaking" and decided then if I was ever in that position I wouldn't use the Bishop as a title for myself. Don't get me wrong, I felt privileged and equally as humbled to be married to a man who was chosen to be a leader, but I always clear it was his title/role not mine. It was helpful that Mr remained humble throughout but maybe next time I will address him humbly :-)

Respect

I learnt that people respected the role of Bishop, but in particular, Polynesians. Mr was the Bishop for two young men, one marrying into a Tongan family and the other marrying into a Samoan family. I was impressed by the respect that is offered to leaders of the church at both of those weddings, where at the Tongan wedding he was given gifts and blanket at the Samoan wedding (our son's) he was given a cake from the 21 teired wedding cake (as the Bishop of the groom).  Even my father, and his siblings (my aunties and uncles) always acknowledged Mr as the Bishop at family gatherings when it is usually the children who 'mihi' (acknowledge) our elders. I was always reminded that the Bishop is special calling and I will try and remember to respect my husband regardless of what calling he holds. 

Support 

I learnt how to support my husband during my time as a Bishop's wife. I had always been a supporter but I learnt how to do it from the back and not the front, at his side, and silently. I learnt to let him lead and be supportive of whatever he did. I developed the skill of being internally critical and externally loyal. All of these things I had done over the years of being married to Mr, but in this role I refined it. I never ever wanted to hear people saying of me, "the Bishop's wife runs the ward!" Oh no no no! I did everything in my power to not be 'that' wife. Now I can use those skills and keeping supporting Mr and let him lead in our home :-) Don't ask my friends how I am doing :-)

Love & Service

I learnt from Mr  to genuinely love and serve people. I recognised that when people came to see the Bishop, it was either while their lives were going fantastic or they were in their darkest days. He performed marriages, and conducted funeral services. He did those humbly and in love. Sometimes he would ask me to accompany him on visits with people and they would always be so happy to see him and know he cared and he did and he still does. I enjoyed this pastoral part of his role the most, being with him as he gave comfort to people always made me feel better! I need to continue serving!

There are things I should have done or could have done better. Maybe I should have been a more manicured wife, walked and talked like a model and diplomat. But I didn't. I was the same then as I am now - a little rough but true and not fake. And in the end, I wasn't the Bishop - I was his friend, his sound board, his fixer, his female eye, and his companion. I did my job. I loved him, wiped his tears, fixed his collar, dusted off his jacket and sent him back out there every day. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I wish our new Bishop's wife all the best. She's going to be amazing!

Until the next time,

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Stressed out?

One evening after being unsuccessful in stemming his bleeding nose, and after his mother's medical advice - my son jumped on the internet and found out for himself how to stop it from bleeding.... Somewhere in the world someone had the same problem and had found a way to solve the issue and helped my 15 year old on the other side of the world.... Ain't technology grand!?

Everyone is a little bit stressed and may even be heading towards burnout - but what does that really mean? So I followed my son's lead and thought I would give Mr Google a go and looked up stress and burnout and discovered a goldmine of information on a website called http://www.helpguide.com/

This is that I learnt about stress and burnout.

1) Differences
Burnout my be the result of unrelenting stress, but it isn't the same as too much stress. Stress, by and large, involes too much: too may pressure that demands too much of you physically and psychologically. Stressed people can still imagine, though, that if they can just get everything under contol, they'll feel better. Burnout, on the other hand, is about not enough. Being burned out means feeling empty, devoid of motivation, and beyond caring. People who experience burnout often don't see any hope of positive change in their situations. If excessive stress is like drowing in responsibiities, burnout is being all dried up.One other difference between stress and burnout: while your'e usually aware of being under a lot of stress, you don't always notice burnout when it happens.

2) How do you know?
According to http://www.helpguide.org/ you know when you are dealing with burnout by applying the three R's. Recognise, Reverse and Resilience. Recognise the warning signs of burnout, reverse the damage done by managing stree and seeking support, and build up your resilience to stresse by taking care of your physical and emotional health.

3) Warning signs
Physical signs and symptoms are feeling tired and drained most of the time and change in appetite or sleep habits. Emotional signs were a sense of failure and self-doubt, loss of motivation, and decreased sense of satisfacion and sense of accomplishment. Finally, the behavioural signs and symptoms are withdrawing from responsibiities, proscratstinating, or taking longer to get things done or skipping work or coming and late and leaving early.

4) Preventing burnout
If you are in this position - some simple tips found on http://www.helpguide.org/ include a) starting the day with a relaxing ritual, b) adopting health eating, exercising, and sleeping habits, c) setting boundaries, d)taking a daily break from technology, e) nourishing your creative side and f) learning how to manage stress. My favourie was setting boundaries which had something simple as learning to say "no" to requests for your time. If you find this diffidult (which mother/woman doesn't), remind yourself that saying "no" allows yoiu to say "yes" to the things that you truly want to do...

5) Recovery
Like all things - thankfully stress and burnout have an end. Recovering from it can include three things; 1) Slow down - force yourself to slow down or take a break. Cut back whatever committments and activities you can. Give yourself time to rest, reflect, and heal. 2) Get support - turn to your loved ones for support, and 3) Re-eavaluate your goals and priorities - take time to think about hopes, goals and dreasm. This can be an opportunity to rediscover what really makes you happy and to change your course accordingly.

If you are in this place where anything that I have found on this website applies - make some changes. If I can - anyone can ;-)

Yours in friendship

Mxox