Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Yesterday I had the opportunity to be a part of an assessment panel for a man that was refered to as a tohunga whakairo. My grandmother talked about a tohunga as someone who was spiritual in nature, of someone who can see things that others couldn't. In the context of where I was, this particular man, who was given blocks of wood and given some learning outcomes to achieve, produced three stunning, amazing creations. To put into context what he had made - these pieces were being sold for $120,000 for the largest and my favourite was being sold for $75,000.

I sat there amazed that this man could see the end results from looking at planks of wood. He could see the beauty in something that others would easily overlook and turned something ordinary into these magnificent pieces of art. In fact one of the bases of his creations had been discarded rimu that you could tell was once twisted and unattractive.

This caused me to reflect on how we as people look at others. What are some of the things that we should look for, sometimes unseen by others, in those people around us that help us recognise and in some cases remember that they have unlimited potential?

1) Eyes
The eyes are said to be the windows to the soul. Let's look for people whose eyes are friendly, cheeky, happy, caring and giving.

2) Words
Listen to the kinds of words that are being spoken. Do the people you are surrounded with tell the truth? Do they write words of inspiration? Here are some words that a husband (Robert Browning) wrote on his wedding morning to his bride (Elizabeth Barrett):

"You will only expect a few words. What will those be? When the heart is full it may run over; but the real fullness stays within....Words can never tell you....how perfectly dear you are to me - perfectly dear to my heart and soul. I look back and in every one point, every word and gesture, every letter, every silence - you have been entirely perfect to me - I would not change one word, one look,.....you have given me the highest, completest, proof of love that ever one hunan being gave another. I am all gratitude - and all pride....that my life has been so crowned by you".12 September 1846

3) Actions
Watch for the actions of those around you. Are they actions of someone who loves easily, or judges harshly? Or they like the people described by Albert Einstein when he said "The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing". Let's choose to be around others like those Edward Everett Hale talks about when he said:

I am only one,
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

4) Touch
How do people you associate with touch others around them. Do they push and shove others? Do they embrace those in need? Today I sat next to a woman who was crying. I sat there for a moment, then I reached for her hand and held it. I don't know if it helped at all, but it was the only way I could tell her that I cared without saying a word.

5) Smile
One of the Directors where I work has a saying that a smile increases the value of his face.... which actually led to him being called Mr Sunshine. True to form everytime you see him he is smiling. What better weather pattern to be than sunshine!

Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder - so lets have another look this week at the people around us finding the potential they have to become great and marvellous individuals. We are not looking for things that others see - we are looking for the things that only we know of them ;-)

Yours in friendship

Mxox

A dog's life!

Dr Doolittle was on to a good thing. The ability to talk to the animals is far more useful than talking to a great deal of humans. Like it or not – we aren’t exactly the smartest species on earth. We are by far the greediest, but wisest – I think not. I can’t communicate to animals like Doolittle, but just as in the movie Marley and Me – at every juncture in my life – there has been an animal beside me and I have had a better life because of it.

1) The heart is mighty
My mother’s constant companions during my childhood were called Four Star Silver Rose and Pedro. Silver and Pedro were Chihuahuas and came to us as a pair. Chihuahuas are one of the smallest dogs, with big bulging eyes on tiny little heads and are pretty vocal too. I would call it a bark but that would mean it sounded like one – instead, the noise they actually make is more like a yap;-)! Pedro and Silver were hard out watchdogs for a tiny pair of dogs! Nothing (including ankles) came within metres of our place without Pedro and Silver alerting the family. Basically, anyone outside of the family was the enemy!

Even though their bodies were tiny – it housed the mightiest of hearts.

2) Love is not just a human emotion
When Silver died after having a massive stroke, Pedro was never the same. His partner in life was gone and his loss was evident. I don’t care what psychologists say about projecting human feeling on to animals – from these tiny Chihuahuas I learnt that love for each other is not limited to humans. Those dogs loved their master and they also loved each other. Pedro died within months of his mate.

3) Adversity is for getting over
The next lesson I learnt from my whangai (adopted) dog who turned up one day and then never really left.

He was a beautiful strong black Labrador called Blackie who had belonged to the neighbour’s neighbour. During the transition between our houses, he was in a terrible accident
that caused his front leg to be amputated. I needed not worry about Blackie, because this dog overcame adversity to live a life that included all the wonderful things a dog would. He never gave up and was a good dog and much loved.

4) You are not your past

We came home from the beach one day – and there was our next pet. A little black cat with white feet and a white bib who we called Whisper. She was born and had lived outside, which made her wild. This meant that it was hard for her to enjoy some of the perks of being a pet, like being held, being stroked gently, and to sleep and live inside. I learnt from her that despite your upbringing or the past, you can overcome it because Whisper eventually learnt that she had a home, she was not going to be hurt, that she was going to be fed - and ultimately let us hold her, kiss and rub her - and even slept with us! Whisper moved with us four times, and never left.

5) Unconditional love comes in all sizes
Simba was the product of some hanky-panky business between her pedigree Bichon Friese mother and the Fox Terrier up the road. Originally for my mother to replace Pedro and Silver, it soon became evident who was the chosen master – ME! Simba came to me

before the boys….but will not be here for much longer. She is currently coping with old age, and the gradual loss of sight and hearing – yet she remains the first to greet me, the first to look for me when I am gone and she lightens my life for it. Despite her own afflictions – I am still the most important person to her – and like all animals – they have much to teach us about unconditional love.

Have a great week - love the ones around you.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

All the single ladies....

I was raised by a single lady! Despite not having much, my sister, brother and I were loved, we were educated,grew to be good citizens,we eventually married and she went on to be the perfect grandmother.Her lessons permeate my life even after her death.

I am surrounded by women like her and marvel and am amazed at the the things that they overcome and achieve just to get through a day. These women raise their children alone by choice because they chose to stand by their convictions, religion, beliefs, and never compromised which left them without husbands, partners and with fatherless children. There are women who have found themselves lost in a marriage, and are moving forward to a new life in the search for themselves. Many of these women were humiliated and discarded by their wayward husbands.

These women are my friends, and I dedicate this blog to them and thank them for the lessons they teach me.

1) Dignity
From my mother I learnt about dignity. She never spoke bad about the people that hurt her and to me that restraint made her even more precious. We eventually learnt for ourselves the character of others as we experienced them and were not coloured and tainted by hers.

2) Courageous
Being a single mother/lady raising children alone is not a choice one makes lightly. For the single woman that is teaching me the lesson on courage - this is so true. When it appears easier to return to a life she is familiar, yet was so miserable, it is the path that will take more courage leading her to finding herself, that, she is following. She is courageous not only for herself but for her children, and I admire her for that.

3) Parenting with God
One of my favourite sayings/mantras of my friend’s is that she is not a “single parent because she is parenting with God”. And this is how she lives - her life is filled with children, yet there is room for her Father in Heaven who provides the unwavering support that she needs. Her teachings are Christ centred – and it hasn’t made things easy, but it is making a difference. Return to your convictions to find the added strength you will need.


4) Friendship - 'It takes a village to raise a child'
What I learnt is that being a friend with a single parent/mother/lady is not something to be taken lightly. These women already have a full life dealing with being the sole provider for their family so they don’t have time for girly friend games. You are either in a friendship or not. Being in, means you are there to babysit, you get to hear the sad stories, the screaming at the top of lungs, troubles, worries, fears, and the good times. If you are ‘in’ you are committing to being part of a ‘village’ that will help her raise her babies. If you can’t do these things – then you are wasting her time. She has already been let down by a partner that did not have ‘her back’ – and she certainly does not need any more dramas. So make up your mind – she doesn’t have time to do it for you.

5) Humour
A single mother’s life is intense – yet is made up of some hilarious moments. So I’ve learnt to share in the sound of laughter in her home or in our conversations. She’ll have enough things going on in her life to provide the remaining gamet of emotions. Help her laugh (and cry) at herself, at her children, at the world, at anything and everything. It’s when she laughs that the healing can get in and she will become whole again - and you want to be there when that happens.

I love these women, and the few men that find themselves in this situation as well ;-) Have a great week people.

Yours in friendship

Mxox

Am I my brother's keeper - Are you serious?

A few weeks ago, I was going over the story of Kane and Abel. Kane, having been jealous of the attention his brother was getting for his sacrifices (I mean, what did he expect for cutting corners on the sacrifice!)decided that the only way to deal with it was to kill his brother Abel. So he does. Then God calls for the boys and says to Kane - "where is your brother?". To which Kane replies "Ummm - dunno, I mean is it my job to look after him - am I my brother's keeper?" It was said in the tone and attitude that someone says "are you serious?". The rest is what we say history! I learnt two things from that story, the first is YES - you are your brother's keeper. And second, of which I am going to talk about is who is my brother?

1) The stranger on the street - are you serious?
Yes. He is my brother and we are each other's keeper. Several years ago, I was driving my sister-in-law's car in the middle of down town Auckland. Already stressed out about driving through unfamiliar twists and turns called the highway, I slow and then come to a stop at an intersection - and the car dies. It died and left me in the middle of a busy intersection, with hundreds of super effecient drivers waiting, then beeping, then overtaking slowly so as to fit in the 'stare' at the ignoramus who dared to hold up the traffic with that kind of turn that if done in fast motion would cause whiplash.... So I sit there, I pray that a hole in the earth will swallow me and the car up! But just then a stranger, a man, that I do not even remember what he looks like, asked me if I was okay, preceeded to tow me to the side of the road past the next intersection, and then jump-started the car. He checked again to see if I was alright, and having seen that I was okay, in shock, but okay - proceeded on his way. Am I a stranger's keeper? Why not?

2) Your neighbour - are you serious?
Yes. My mother's chemotherapy slowly damaged her extremities, namely her nerve endings in her feet and her hands. As a relief to her, her blind and deaf neighbour would come over and massage my mother's feet and hands dedicating an hour of two to this task every other day in order to help lift the spirits of my mother - her neighbour. Are you your neighbour's keeper? Why not?

3) Your workmates - are you serious?
Yes. I have to admit some of the people that I work with are not people that I would particularly hang out or around with. But they are people that you and I spend more time with than we do with our own family. To be their keeper does not mean that I need to know their business - but it does mean that I should treat them kindly. Its not easy - but why not - be your workmate's keeper.

4) Your children & partner - absolutely yes!
As a co-creators of two other lives - my husband and I are the keepers of our children. Do I need to know everything about them - yes. It's not going to be realistic to know the total insides and outsides of my children but I will die trying to know where they are going to be at any given time of the day. All I can do is be my children's keeper and support those around me to do the same for them and theirs. I tell my children everyday that I love them so that the last thing that they remember if something was to happen to either of us - was my voice in love. I am the keeper of my husband - not the owner, or possessor but a keeper. Do I know everything about him? No. Do I have to know everything about him? It's probably safer that I don't. What I do need to know is that when we come home to each other that he knows that I have his back, and he knows that when he goes out the next day, he is never alone entirely! I am there with him. I am my children and my husband's keeper.

5) Your friends - are you serious?
Yes. I can be my friends keeper by supporting them in decisions that they are making for themselves and their family. I can be a keeper by listening to them tell their deepest darkest fears and their far-out dreams and aspirations. You can be your friend's keeper by providing a safe space for them to be themselves... Be the friend that brings light to other's lives and not the 'one' (because everyone has one)that adds burdens to others with every word in every conversation. Be a keeper by lifting those around you up!

Are your brother's keeper? Yes you are - to strangers, to your neighbours, workmates, family and friends. Try it this week and see how you go....

Yours in friendship

Mxox

Words of Wisdom

For Blog number four - I thought I would present my top five quotes of all time and ask what are yours?

1) Women of God
From this I learn that it is more important for me to be a woman of God, than a woman of the world.

"Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity." Margaret D. Nadauld

.

2) We are known
I know that I am loved and someone of significance, maybe not in this life - but in mine.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the froung wihout your Father. But the very hairs of your hear are all numberd. Fear ye not therefore, we are of more value than many sparrows" Mathew 10:29-31

3) My name is me
My name is my honour and I carry it, as I encourage my children to do, with pride and love.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet" Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

4) Be Still
I must always remember to be quite, and take it ALL in - and remember the bigger picture!

"Be Still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

5) Born to love
I need to keep being a mother who teaches my sons to love one another so they can teach theirs to do the same.

"No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than it's opposite." Nelson Mandela

As I am writing this, I have thought of hundreds more but this is about five not hundreds ;-) What I do, in humility is thank the authors for their words of wisdom!

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

Love

In light of valentines day, I thought I would share some lessons I have learnt from mine. I dedicate this blog to him. Happy Valentines Day.

Here are my love lessons:

1) Love is change
If you think you can change your man - think again. You are deluding yourself if you believe you have that power. After the honeymoon, and the rose tinted glasses I married in had worn out - I was left with the realisation that me and my mate were just two people trying to figure the same stuff out in our different ways. So the solution, as Micheal Jackson sang, is for anyone who thinks they can change their man, to get a mirror, have a good look into it and start right there. I've tried it and re-tried it and time after time it works. So change is good, but its got to come from you.

2) All You Need Is Love
I love the Beatles but growing up to songs teaching me that "All You Need Is Love" - pretty much set me up... because I learnt pretty quickly AFTER I got married that you actually need a whole lot more than love. What you need is money, a steady income, somewhere to live, and food to eat... and one of the things that the Beatles missed out in that song was an education. I learnt that it is everything else BUT love that are the real dealbreakers, and through those things, you really know what real L.O.V.E is. So fellow valentines, when someone says that all you need is love - think again ;-)

3) Love is constant
Choose someone who is steady and can be relied on. You can tell that person by the things that he believes in and what they are willing to negotiate on... It will be better for you if your life partner is constant in honesty, trust and integrity.

4) Love is work
There is a whakatauki (maori proverb) that says "Moe atu nga ringa raupo" which translated means to marry a man with calloused hands. Look for someone who knows the value of work and has a strong work ethic and not afraid to get his hands hardened through work. You will want to find someone who doesn't mind where they work, but knows that to work and provide is good. If you are with someone that would rather stay home or worse work - but think nothing of cutting hours and taking long extended lunchbreaks - then you can do better!!

5) Choose well in love
Elizabeth Browing wrote "Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile" so choose well in love. Be good to yourself when choosing because it is one thing in your life that you do not want to get wrong.

Happy Valentines everyone.

Yours in friendship,

M

Leadership

Tonight I am going to share five lessons I have learnt from my boss that are shaping the leader I am becoming.

My respect for my boss is born out of the knowledge of what he has come from and where he has been. He epitomises the age old ‘rags to riches’ story. He was born into a hard life. He finished school early and was told that he would never amount to much. He drifted for some years until he made the call to re-ignite the Maori within. From that has emerged an educated Maori leader who has a passion and drive to ensure the survival of his people, and in doing so will contribute to the biggest transformation through education this country has ever seen. I have oversimplified his life here due to time constraints – but his is a truly inspirational story.

I have chosen to write about him, because what he has taught me literally saved my working life.

LESSON ONE: Meet your people face-to-face
Don't get me wrong - I met with people but if I could I would have emailed them. I had learnt from an early age the power of the ‘poison pen’ and once when I was asked to describe something I was good at – I had responded with one word “emails”. Now however, I try where possible to meet with people face to face. The results have been far more effective than sending emails where every line can have multiple meanings. When I meet with people I am prepared, have identified the risks, known the expected outcome, and been genuine and confident in what I was saying. There is no longer room for ambiguity.

LESSON TWO: Trust no-one
This survival tip has been one that keeps me the safest but was also one of the hardest to implement. To trust no-one sounds harsh, because you need to trust someone – however, the essence of the lesson is about not taking everyone at face value, something I used to do readily to the detriment of my own wellbeing. I have learnt that in a position of responsibility, trust is a rare commodity that should be guarded and traded cautiously. I am fortunate to be in a position where I have since sifted through the people I engage with on a daily basis and am now confident in the people that really do ‘have my back’. This may well be the greatest lesson I will ever learn.

LESSON THREE: Integrity
This lesson came in the form of advice that was given after a confrontation from a staff member who accused me of something that I had supposed to have done. The advice was "as long as everything that you have done was with integrity then there is nothing to worry about. Let go of the other stuff(accusations, hurtful comments, damaging remarks etc)and flick it off like water on a duck's back." So away I go flicking off all the things that I know I haven’t done and I am better off for it. Integrity has always been one of my favourite words and to be lead by a leader who champions this in his own practice and expects it of those around him has been refreshing.

LESSON FOUR: Learning from the past
My boss is teaching me and others in our team, stories from the past and bringing them into the current day by applying them to management principles. Last week he used pourakau (legends) to teach us about 'honour' and in 'doing the right thing' and it was a privilege to listen to and watch. I am learning everyday about Maori leadership principles that have been tried and tested by ancestors from someone who practices what he teaches.

LESSON FIVE: Leadership is a lonely position
The measurement of a successful decision, in my past practice, was based on the amount of disappointment or the contentment in the team when a decision was made. I wanted to make decisions that would make everyone happy and that they would eventually be popular ones and basically we would all live happily ever after. Now I know that it is expected of me to walk ahead of my team pathing the way for them to follow. It is my job to make decisions that progress the vision, and not decisions that would make everyone happy all of the time. I am expected to make the hard calls - and mine alone. And in return I was to expect to be lonely, because like it or not - leadership is not a popularity contest.

Thanks for tuning in.

Yours in friendship

Mxox