The long Goodbye....

My friend Emma has already pre-empted what this blog is about so she is excluded from this - which will only leave you to read it.... so thanks for staying! Anyway, when I think about saying goodbye - yes Emma, you are right - the first thing I think about are my babies. They turn 18 this year and will be leaving for their missions shortly after their birthdays....soooo the long goodbye for me and them is this whole year....

Sometimes thinking about the end of things gets a bit sad.... I mean its going to be the end of two people depending on me, the end of thinking that "mum" will be able to sort it, the end of picking them up from school when people around me tell me "let them walk - or catch the bus", but above all else - its the end of me being the most important woman in their lives - well, maybe a few more years to go for that!! It has taken me almost 44 years to get to this point, and 18 years to happen. By this I mean that I have always been destined to have these two boys and when they were born, after coming out of unconciousness and finding out they were boys, I made a committment that I would do everything to get them on missions and become good fathers, husbands, and fine upstanding men of their communities.... a bit steep for a set of 4 week premature baby boys - but that's the commitment I made and I've been sticking to it ever since....

What I decided the other day as I could feel myself sinking in all this sadness of losing my sons, - was the thought that I don't want to spend the year mourning my 'empty nest' and wasting the time I had while it's still 'full'. I mean why be sorry and sad for them going when they are still here. Instead I am learning to enjoy my time with them, and as the months move on, already three have past - I pick them up from school because I love to see them and hear them moan and groan because I am late.... I have to love it because at this time next year - I will have no one to pick up from school - and the only one moaning will be me or Mr - and to each other ;-)

Tomorrow, I start a month of handing over a job that I had previously held for six years. If you know my story, you will know that I had this job, I burnt out, then recently had the opportunity to do it again while a replacement was found - and one has been found..... so this time I get to leave, healthy, excited for new adventures, and happy. If there was going to be any sadness, it would be about people.... The people I will miss the most are the women that hold the same position as myself in other rohe (regions) of our organisation..... so the long good bye was held in Christchurch a few weeks ago and it was awesome.... and although our lives will disconnect through work - they will remain connected through friendship and a once common experience. Thank you ladies xx

While I was in Christchurch, and now I can hear Emma's eyes rolling into the very back of her head ;-) - she knows me that well! I was physically moved by an art piece that I thought was beautiful. Based on Van Gogh's painting of a chair, an artist arranged on a corner of grass 180 white chairs in 18 rows of 10 to represent the 180 empty seats left by the people who died in the Christchurch earthquakes. The seats were large, small, wheelchairs, a high chair, office chairs, wooden, material, and cane. They were for little people, big people - and missing people. I thought of the long goodbyes these families are facing without their loved ones and it brings everything back into perspective....

So as I carry on my long goodbye to things along the way - before my boys leave - starting a new job whatever that is, I am more determined than ever to hold on to the most important thing I have at the moment and that is the present!! Really - living life as it goes and soaking up every loving minute of it and just going for it! Should make for a wonderful 2013. May you have a good one as well.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Regrets

Recently I have been thinking about regrets - things like the unfortunate opportunity to have them and wishing like heaven they never happened and wondering - am I the only one with them and how the dickens do you get rid of them!! In an email, in response to my speaking of one of mine, an Aunty wrote "don't habour regrets it does no good for anyone". How true is that!!

As soon as I read that, I thought about my attempts thus far....

1) Regrets can teach us lessons.

Even regrets can teach us lessons. Rushing a conversation with my Nanna was a regret that I had. I was 19 years old. I had come out of class at university and was trying to get a hold of someone... and she answered the phone and wanted to have a little chat. I was busy and running late for a private piano theory lesson which was about 20 minutes drive (on my scooter) so I hurried our conversation in order to get moving. The regret I have was that my Nanna died hours after talking to me...... For years I carried that regret of rushing her and especially without saying a proper goodbye. However, it is because of this REGRET - that I make sure that I end every phonecall with my family with a "love you"... just in case... even my 38 year old little brother can't escape it :-)!  

2) Forgiveness is real

Everyone has regrets and the worst are with whanau. One of mine involves a custody issue. This regret is a heavy little beggar which I am still chipping away some three years after getting it. The relief from this heaviness has come in the form of two dreams in which an Uncle who has since passed, has come to me and showed me that forgiveness is real. He looked free of any troubles, any hurt feelings, and genuinely happy to see me and I tell you in those brief seconds - I feel forgiven... and it is good. My advice, forgive yourself for your part in any regretful situation - that's where the challenge continues to be for me - but when we do, it promises to be the moment that we will be free from the burden called regret! 

3) Don't be Stupid Dear

I'm not sure its actually a regret but its something that I think about often specifically looking for things I could have done better to help my mother... Days before my  mother passed, her local GP came to check on her and advised me that she had maybe three to five days or a week to live.... It was after I had told the Hospice nurse what the Dr had said - that she advised me to 'prepare for three days because your mother's time was very near" - that I LOST it (for maybe 20 secs)..... I pulled myself together (worthy of an academy award) and went into Mum's room. She asked me "what did the Dr say?" and I said "nothing....." HELLO - how stupid did I think she was?? That's the regret.... Anyway, I have come to understand that I did the very best I could for my Mum and although I should have told her the truth about what the Dr said - because she already knew it!, I KNOW that she loves me and any regrets about that time are RUBBISH. In fact if she were here, she would actually say - "don't be stupid dear!!".... Have a look at your regrets - are they silly? They probably are - so let it/them go!

4) True friendships are resilient

Last year a friend of mine found out that I thought that they may have been having an affair. I know you can imagine what happened next and although several months later I still feel stink about that - what I learned from my mate was that true friendships are resilient and although ours had suffered a little blip - nothing had changed for them - and we are still friends. By continuing to fret over it - it then is only MY problem and I  have had to learn to get over myself!! Thankfully, true friendships are resilient!!

So, from someone who has regrets and is always looking for a way to get over them - 1) always learn the lesson, 2) forgiveness is real, even forgiveness of yourself, 3) review the things that you think are regrets - because seriously - some of them are probably silly, 4) if they are a true friend - they will be your friend regardless of your words, and lastly, 5) let's get over ourselves, because like my aunty said - "don't habour regrets [as] it does no good for anyone".  ;-) 

Let me know how you go...

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Have an attitude of gratitude

On our family white board, Maurice has written in big writing the words "attitude of gratitude". It is there as a reminder of some counsel that we were given in the weekend to have an attitude of gratitude. I thought it was being proactive of him to put that message up and it showed that he was motivated by those words which was awesome. However, it is slowly becoming annoying when, in the middle of a discussion, and in response to me sharing my opinion- all 100% fault free of it, he quietly points to the board where those words attitude of gratitude silence me immediately.... I think it is going to be a looooooonnnnnnnng week ;-)

What am I grateful for?

1) My children
My sons are 15 years old. One night while we were watching Police Ten Seven - there was a young man who was spotted doing a u-turn up the road from a booze bus. The police quickly chased the young man to see why he had tried to avoid the road block..... Some reasons were given - but it became clear and later confirmed by a breath test that he was three times above the adult limit and had been driving drunk. He was 15 - fifteen and drunk driving. So the first thing I am grateful for is the opportunity I have to be a mother (despite early medical advice that becoming a mother was probably not going to happen), and next - I am grateful that at 12.24am as I am penning this blog that my precious baby boys are asleep in their beds with the biggest issues facing them is their next facebook/internet/bebo/PS3/mobile phone and not driving up and down the streets drunk!

2) My husband
I never had a picture of who I wanted to marry. I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking of the characteristics he might have either. All I knew was what I had been promised was that someone was being prepared  and would be led to me.... A year after that blessing, I met Maurice... he appeared just like that! He was respectful, quiet, loyal, dedicated, friendly and soooooo good looking. He was good to my mother, brother and sister, Nanna (who lived next to us) and at that stage our two little chihuahuas. He was perfection (which changed after we married - but still okay ;-)). He is the love of my life and I never want to live a day without him. I am grateful for my husband.

3) My faith
My faith is what centres me. I don't talk about it or share it as much as I could - but I love it and believe in it and strive to live its teachings. If I could, I would teach the principles of my faith as a full-time job -but until then I am grateful that I have a faith to believe in, and a strong testimony of its teachings, readings, and values.

4) My family
Being in my family tree makes my world colourful and interesting ;-) However it is the role of being the eldest of three children, that I am most grateful. I have always taken my responsibility of looking after my brother and sister or taking care of my mother and now father seriously. I don't see it as a burden or added stress - but see it as part of me. I love my brother and sister and now that they are grown with their own families - this love has only extended onto their children whom I love as my own. I am grateful for being part of a family tree that is colourful and interesting.

5) Friends
What can I say...... I am grateful for my friends - especially the ones that read my blog ;-) For my friends - church friends,childhood friends,highschool buddies and my workmates - I am grateful for you. I haven't always been a good firend - I actually lost some really good ones while at highschool - and for that I carry regret with me, but for the ones that I have managed to keep - I am grateful for you - thank you.

To this list I would add my education - for without it I would not be able to help provide for my babies, my house - that my mother gifted to us to live in, my mother - whom I miss and being told I am turning into more and more every day, books - that provide my imagination with wonderful worlds that I will never inhabit in this life, Hawaii - where I was born and hope to return to, food - of which I eat too much but love and grateful for, and basically my life - I wouldn't have it any other way...

Have a go of counting your many blessings, name them one by one - it will change the way you feel when you have an attitude of gratitude.

Have a great week

Yours in friendship

Mxox

Words of Wisdom - King Solomon stylez

It is amazing that words written in 900 BC would still apply to us today. At the time King Solomon was the leader of a very politically, spiritually, and culturally powerful and rich kingdom, and yet was not only for these things but also as being a wise man.... Here are his words and the lessons I am learning.

LESSON ONE - "To every thing there is a seaon and a time to every purpose under the heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1
After my mother recovered from her major surgery and treatment - I needed to return back to work and get some money. However as I was just starting out after the boys, and committed to being a full-time mother, my options were limited. A friend put me on to this two night a week spot doing data entry. Before I went in to sit a speed and accuracy test, I remember sitting in the carpark with my mother and crying my eyes out. Here I was an intellectual educated woman with three degrees about to work in a position that didn't need any of those skills or knowledge and I felt like a failure. After hearing her full grown daughter, a mother of her grandbabies bawling - all she said was "Dear (her endearment for me), every thing has a season - and your time will come - it will come". I held on to that for the following two years until I got a part-time job lecturing - and the rest is history. Not only King Solomon was wise, my mother was pretty on-to-it too.

LESSON TWO - "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it" Proverbs 22:6
This is one of the things that I try and do raising my sons. I regularly observe and occasionally talk to women of sons for some guidance on what I can do and prepare for them getting older. The the advice is different and usually very helpful. The anecdotal evidence is sometimes hiliarious and always heart warming. Yet the most commonly held belief of these mothers is that ALL you can do as a parent is to raise your children the best you can, to ground them in good values, surrounded by love and the desire to want to do better. The rest will be up to them.... Some wise words are harder to apply than others - so if I make it through the next five years of teenagerhood, I'll let you know how I go ;-)

LESSON THREE - "A soft answer turneth away wrath" Proverbs 15:1
Its amazing that this was penned so long ago - as it has filled pages and pages of business and self-help books across the planet since then. In my current position I have had to employ this skill on more occasions that I care to remember and only survived because I have taken the less travelled path of softness and calmness. It typically has me apologising or as I call it eating 'humble pie' in many cases a pie that the yeller should be eating ;-) It sometimes ends in tears (never in front of the yeller) - because no one deserves to be yelled at, but that is a small sacrifice to pay to maintain control, integrity, dignity and the right to hold my head up high.

LESSON FOUR - " For as [s]he thinketh in his heart, so is [s]he" Proverbs 23:7
I wish it were true when we say - "Oops - that just slipped out" but the reality is that words don't just don't fall out of our mouths - because it is scientifically impossible for something to happen without a thought (unless you have turrets syndrome). What you think, is what you are- it really is that simple and something I reflect on everyday!

LESSON FIVE - "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches" Proverbs 22:1
Names are important to me - I believe they carry connections between this generation and those that have been and hopefully those to come. My names (both the one that I was born with and married into) place me fairly and squarely in a family tree that spreads across continents and it is awesome. It is important to live a life that is worthy of the name that we carry - because unlike riches, which will not last - it is one of the only things we will take with us into the next life...

Proverbs and Eccelesiastes are full of words of wisdom that still apply to us some thousand years later and I am praying that it doesn't take that long to learn and practice them :-)

Yours in friendship

Mxox

That's What Friends are For

Over the last couple of days I have reduced the amount of friends that I had in one of my social networking websites. It made me think about the functions of a friend and the amount of energy either party to the friendship was contributing to keep the relationship alive. It also forced me to come up with some criteria for maintaining a friendship. Originally I collected friends to build up my friend numbers, but in the end I was sharing my life with people that I either knew too long ago to remember, or worse - to care.

It made me think - what makes a good friend?

1) Someone who is a good listener
When choosing your friends, choose the ones that listen. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason - so that we can listen twice as much as we talk. Apply that formula to the people around you. If they continually talk about themselves - then you are a 'sounding board'. Sure there is some of that in a friendship - but again go back to the formula, you should be able to listen as well as share.....

2) Someone who genuinely cares

I am blessed to have friends who genuinely care about me. These friends are the ones that come to me when the rest of the world seem to stepping away so as to not get involved... It is when you are at your lowest that you learn who these friends are. They are not necessarily the friends that you talk to everyday about every little thing - but they are the first ones you call when your world has turned upside down. These friends are at my work, live on my street, or on my email or phone list... and more often or not are there already!

3) Know you and still love you

Your friends know you and still love you. I have known the ladies in this photo for over 25 years, and in one case - over 30 years. There is nothing much they don't know about me and I them - but we still love each other and are friends. I don't know about getting older and getting wiser - but I do believe that as friendships develop over years they tend to get richer and more meaningful. A lunch, or an email, or a phonecall bridges time and all is good until the next visit.

4) Someone who tells you the truth

You want to surround yourself with friends that tell you the truth. They are the best kinds of friends to have because unlike the Emporer that was told that he looked lovely - when he was in fact naked - they will tell you if you need to pluck your eyebrows, or change that top because it is too tight, or tell you that your son or daughter really was one of the naughty children. If your friendship is worth it, you will take that truth even though it may hurt - and you will believe it because you trust her to do that for you.

5) Someone you can be yourself with.

Find friends that you can be yourself with. People that you can laugh out loud with, or cry big fat tears of joy or deep groans of emotional turmoil. There is nothing worse that being with people where you are pretending to be something that you are clearly not! Leave the acting to the professionals ;-)

More important than finding people that can be these things for you - be these things for someone else. Be the one that listens twice as much as talking, genuinely cares for another, loves, and lets those around you to be themselves... and as Dionne Warwick sings  

Keep smilin', keep shinin'

Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are for

For good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more

That's what friends are for

Yours in friendship

Mxox

Am I my brother's keeper - Are you serious?

A few weeks ago, I was going over the story of Kane and Abel. Kane, having been jealous of the attention his brother was getting for his sacrifices (I mean, what did he expect for cutting corners on the sacrifice!)decided that the only way to deal with it was to kill his brother Abel. So he does. Then God calls for the boys and says to Kane - "where is your brother?". To which Kane replies "Ummm - dunno, I mean is it my job to look after him - am I my brother's keeper?" It was said in the tone and attitude that someone says "are you serious?". The rest is what we say history! I learnt two things from that story, the first is YES - you are your brother's keeper. And second, of which I am going to talk about is who is my brother?

1) The stranger on the street - are you serious?
Yes. He is my brother and we are each other's keeper. Several years ago, I was driving my sister-in-law's car in the middle of down town Auckland. Already stressed out about driving through unfamiliar twists and turns called the highway, I slow and then come to a stop at an intersection - and the car dies. It died and left me in the middle of a busy intersection, with hundreds of super effecient drivers waiting, then beeping, then overtaking slowly so as to fit in the 'stare' at the ignoramus who dared to hold up the traffic with that kind of turn that if done in fast motion would cause whiplash.... So I sit there, I pray that a hole in the earth will swallow me and the car up! But just then a stranger, a man, that I do not even remember what he looks like, asked me if I was okay, preceeded to tow me to the side of the road past the next intersection, and then jump-started the car. He checked again to see if I was alright, and having seen that I was okay, in shock, but okay - proceeded on his way. Am I a stranger's keeper? Why not?

2) Your neighbour - are you serious?
Yes. My mother's chemotherapy slowly damaged her extremities, namely her nerve endings in her feet and her hands. As a relief to her, her blind and deaf neighbour would come over and massage my mother's feet and hands dedicating an hour of two to this task every other day in order to help lift the spirits of my mother - her neighbour. Are you your neighbour's keeper? Why not?

3) Your workmates - are you serious?
Yes. I have to admit some of the people that I work with are not people that I would particularly hang out or around with. But they are people that you and I spend more time with than we do with our own family. To be their keeper does not mean that I need to know their business - but it does mean that I should treat them kindly. Its not easy - but why not - be your workmate's keeper.

4) Your children & partner - absolutely yes!
As a co-creators of two other lives - my husband and I are the keepers of our children. Do I need to know everything about them - yes. It's not going to be realistic to know the total insides and outsides of my children but I will die trying to know where they are going to be at any given time of the day. All I can do is be my children's keeper and support those around me to do the same for them and theirs. I tell my children everyday that I love them so that the last thing that they remember if something was to happen to either of us - was my voice in love. I am the keeper of my husband - not the owner, or possessor but a keeper. Do I know everything about him? No. Do I have to know everything about him? It's probably safer that I don't. What I do need to know is that when we come home to each other that he knows that I have his back, and he knows that when he goes out the next day, he is never alone entirely! I am there with him. I am my children and my husband's keeper.

5) Your friends - are you serious?
Yes. I can be my friends keeper by supporting them in decisions that they are making for themselves and their family. I can be a keeper by listening to them tell their deepest darkest fears and their far-out dreams and aspirations. You can be your friend's keeper by providing a safe space for them to be themselves... Be the friend that brings light to other's lives and not the 'one' (because everyone has one)that adds burdens to others with every word in every conversation. Be a keeper by lifting those around you up!

Are your brother's keeper? Yes you are - to strangers, to your neighbours, workmates, family and friends. Try it this week and see how you go....

Yours in friendship

Mxox