Adoption: An Aunty's tale

I'm not going to even pretend that when it comes to sharing - I'm not very good at it. In fact, if someone wants something that I have, I would rather give it to them than share it. Or if we go somewhere to eat, I would rather buy more of something so that we can enjoy equally and separately :-). Every.Time.

Anyway, the first time I ever heard the saying "sharing is caring" was when my brother's girlfriend (who would eventually be his wife) came into our family. Obviously from a big family who had to make things spread amongst everyone, she learnt how to share and would often be telling us that "sharing was caring", as she cut something into smaller slices so no one missed out. We used to have little giggles about it as a family because our sister-in-law is so good at sharing, yet it never quite stuck with us or maybe it was just me!

So, why am I talking about sharing all of a sudden? Today, I learnt about sharing. Today I attended a baby's blessing. It is one of the formalities that takes place for a baby in our faith. When a baby is born, he or she is given a name (similar to a christening without the water) that will be known on the records of the church and then given what we call a father's blessing. This is where, the baby's father blesses the child to have a good life and all the things he wants to bless the child with. Today was no different. The young proud father gave his beautiful baby girl a name and a lovely blessing that she would be happy and find joy in life.

It was really nice, and such a wonderful blessing, yet in equal parts it was one of the saddest moments in my life. Sharing in the joy of the day with the baby girl's parents and both sets of grandparents and their family was too much for me today. I could hardly breathe, let alone contain my sobs and literally ran from the building as soon as the blessing ended with 'amen'.. 

As I stood outside, I cried and cried and cried for my loss. Because the little baby girl wasn't just anybody, no, this precious baby was my family's first moko, She was given to her new family by my niece. So the name that was given today was not ours, but our baby's new family name.

While I sat in the car with my brother, the baby's maternal birth-grandfather, I sobbed freely and all I wanted to do was run to my mother's graveside! The loss I felt was akin to that of losing her. All the potential of having a moko was given to someone else to enjoy. And the thought, as is our belief, the baby would be sealed to her new parents for all eternity was just a little more than I could take today.

And although sharing is caring, on this side of the adoption equation, and I pray for only a brief season, it bites!!

In my head, I know that our baby has gone to parents who will love her just as much if not more than us. She has gone to a mother and father who love each other and who are sealed to each other forever. My beautiful grand niece has two sets of grandparents who are faithful members of our church. She will have awesome role models of womanhood, because her new mum and grandmothers are strong, hardworking and beautiful. 

But in my heart, I also know that she will never hear me telling jokes. She is never going to hear stories that we have told all of our children. She won't get to ride in the car while I make it bunny hop! She will never get a bear hug from me that every niece and nephew has to endure. She will probably be grateful for it, but she will never hear me snoring, and listen to me sleeping through movie marathons. She will never hear me laugh or sing. She is never going to know me. She will never know how much she is loved by me.... 

And sadly, she will not know until she is older, and only if she wants to know us, how much it hurt to give her away.

And in the height of all ironies, it is through the ultimate sacrifice of giving her up for adoption by her tummy mummy, that her Grand-Aunt has finally learnt that sharing is caring. 

Bye bye my baby niece.

Love, your Aunty Mxo

Lessons from a bishop's wife

Recently, my husband was released as the Bishop.

He had been given the 'heads up' a few weeks earlier, but already had had two poignant dreams on two separate occasions months before so he was ready. But despite that, on the day he was sad and tearful, not because of the office he held but because he would miss being such an intimate part of people's lives that he had grown to love. He was going to miss the people. A few nights after he met with the new Bishop to do a 'hand over' and he returned home after that meeting happy and free of any burdens. It was if a weight or as we like to call it - the 'mantel' had surely lifted and now sat with the new guy. We both wish him all the best.... 

Being Mr's wife is a privilege every day, and being a Bishop's wife was an honour. His release has made me reflect on my time as a Bishop's wife and the lessons I've learnt.

Time and a season

When a friend, not of my  faith found out Mr had been released she asked me why? She was concerned that he may have done something that warranted a release. I assured her that he didn't do anything wrong, and explained that after five plus years, it was time to give someone else a turn. She seemed satisfied with that answer although not quite sure if she was to be happy or sad for him :-) I told her be happy that he had the opportunity to serve and now has a different assignment. So yes, you learn that callings and assignments are for a time, so any stressors, pressures or whatever is faced, do come to an end. 

Humility

I tried not to refer to Mr as Bishop in front of my friends because I didn't want to feel like I was elevating him or myself. In hindsight, that sounds lame, but in my mind I always remembered calling a home and the wife answered "You've called the #***# home. This is the Bishop's wife speaking" and decided then if I was ever in that position I wouldn't use the Bishop as a title for myself. Don't get me wrong, I felt privileged and equally as humbled to be married to a man who was chosen to be a leader, but I always clear it was his title/role not mine. It was helpful that Mr remained humble throughout but maybe next time I will address him humbly :-)

Respect

I learnt that people respected the role of Bishop, but in particular, Polynesians. Mr was the Bishop for two young men, one marrying into a Tongan family and the other marrying into a Samoan family. I was impressed by the respect that is offered to leaders of the church at both of those weddings, where at the Tongan wedding he was given gifts and blanket at the Samoan wedding (our son's) he was given a cake from the 21 teired wedding cake (as the Bishop of the groom).  Even my father, and his siblings (my aunties and uncles) always acknowledged Mr as the Bishop at family gatherings when it is usually the children who 'mihi' (acknowledge) our elders. I was always reminded that the Bishop is special calling and I will try and remember to respect my husband regardless of what calling he holds. 

Support 

I learnt how to support my husband during my time as a Bishop's wife. I had always been a supporter but I learnt how to do it from the back and not the front, at his side, and silently. I learnt to let him lead and be supportive of whatever he did. I developed the skill of being internally critical and externally loyal. All of these things I had done over the years of being married to Mr, but in this role I refined it. I never ever wanted to hear people saying of me, "the Bishop's wife runs the ward!" Oh no no no! I did everything in my power to not be 'that' wife. Now I can use those skills and keeping supporting Mr and let him lead in our home :-) Don't ask my friends how I am doing :-)

Love & Service

I learnt from Mr  to genuinely love and serve people. I recognised that when people came to see the Bishop, it was either while their lives were going fantastic or they were in their darkest days. He performed marriages, and conducted funeral services. He did those humbly and in love. Sometimes he would ask me to accompany him on visits with people and they would always be so happy to see him and know he cared and he did and he still does. I enjoyed this pastoral part of his role the most, being with him as he gave comfort to people always made me feel better! I need to continue serving!

There are things I should have done or could have done better. Maybe I should have been a more manicured wife, walked and talked like a model and diplomat. But I didn't. I was the same then as I am now - a little rough but true and not fake. And in the end, I wasn't the Bishop - I was his friend, his sound board, his fixer, his female eye, and his companion. I did my job. I loved him, wiped his tears, fixed his collar, dusted off his jacket and sent him back out there every day. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I wish our new Bishop's wife all the best. She's going to be amazing!

Until the next time,

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

A natural woman!

So, when Alicia Keys came out with her natural woman look with no makeup recently - I had a little giggle because so many kiwis/women in my life do not wear makeup and are straight up natural women all the time. Every. Day. It made me think about the complexities of being a woman....

I know women who do not look in the mirror or hide away, some of whom do not have mirrors in the home because they don't want to see what is in front of them. Ugly, deformity, fat, or jelly bellies are all that they see when they look in the mirror which makes no sense. It hurts me to see these women feel like this because, if there is nothing else you learn in this life - we have to know that we are all made in the image of our creator. We are of divine heritage, that I believe, and because of that, we are beautiful in his eyes - perfectly beautiful. I learnt a long time ago that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and we are the original beholders are we not - so look in the mirror ladies - accept the truth - we may be lumpy, but we are alive and breathing! And even for the ones who think they are too skinny - you too - look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are alive and strong! Even if you don't believe a word of it to start with - keep saying it until you do :-)

I have seen handsome men with women who are average, and for me, and probably the most relevant big women with smaller an attractive men and wondered why or how! I've even had someone who after meeting Mr and then met me, actually say "you must have a lovely personality"! As if to say there could be no other reason why he would have married me. So I personally know how flawed it is to think that people are not attracted because of anything other than visually, but it is human nature at its rawest, and I am only human. It is in these moments where my eyes mislead me that I remind myself of the movie 'Shallow Hal' where Jack Black's character sees Gwyneth Paltrow's character as a beautiful skinny girl when in reality she's a very big girl. The movie teaches us about inner beauty and how wrong we are to judge people on their outside beauty alone!

My inner turmoil, shared my many around self-image and self confidence is intensified because my husband is a handsome man. He looks practically the same as the day I met and fell in love with him.    He is getting older and the gray hairs are showing up mostly on the sides which as I get older is kinda sexy.  Ohhhkay and I digress... where were we?? Aaahh yes - moi.  Myself on the other hand, well I let myself go and don't look anything like I did when we met, hence the comment about my personality!

What is funny is that for  some reason I thought I had done this in isolation, and in some corner of my brain, thought that maybe Mr hadn't noticed ;-) But I got that totally wrong (beside the obvious - the man is not blind!), when we sat the boys down and talked about what to look for in an eternal companion. Mr eloquently, and matter-of-factly explained to the boys that the woman they fell in love with, may phsyically change over time, after they have children he said, and their bodies change.... and pointed to their mother as an example. I wasn't sure if I should be offended or not, but what I definitely was, was impressed. That a man I have been with for almost 30 years, actually had noticed that I was not skinny anymore (duh!), and loves me still. We talked about it and I asked him if it bothered him, and he said in the the early days it did but as we got older he accepted the changes in my body as part of me and although he would love me to be healthy, that was my choice, and by body. 

Remember that. Our bodies are ours and we are fashioned in the image of God. We are perfectly beautiful to Him and those around us. We have to own it, lock it into our core and believe it. Let's try and be confident and we will become more attractive as we get stronger. Or at the very least feel better about ourselves. Why don't we get in front of our mirrors and embrace our beautiful selves -squishy bits and all  and on the days when we can't do it - then find another sista, even in our pjs - and let her remind us what rock stars we really are!!

To my beautiful friends, you  are a natural woman and you are amazing.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

PS: feel free to leave a comment or become a follower to hear my next drop of ramblings...

Dear son

Dear Son

I thought I would write a short note to let you know how much I love you. By now you should know that you are my world and all I do is for you and your brother. I know that sounds cheesy but it is actually truer than true! Your father and I have been blessed with the best boys. Ever since that day, 21 years ago, we have tried to be the best parents to you...

Watching you grow and navigate this next part of your journey,  and seeing the challenges you face - I sometimes feel uncomfortable because of how I raised you and think if there was anything I would have done different. Lately I have even felt like I should be apologising to you but I refuse...

I am not sorry that I raised you to be a King even when there are people in your lives that will treat you less than that. Instead it will teach to recognise in others who know their own self worth and not dependant on you to keep telling them so.

I am not sorry that I raised you to stand up for what you believe in, when there are others who bend to the whims of popular thought. It has taught you to be strong and face the tests that await you with courage and strength.

I am not apologising  for setting standards and boundaries that kept you safe, when there are some who say there is unlimited freedom without them. Instead, you have been liberated from the restrictions poor choices would have had on your life and you have limitless options ahead of you.

I am not sorry to have raised you to expect there is an equal to you and the way you have been raised, when that may have been unrealistic. What I see it has taught you is to recognise the divine worth in others and have a willingness to help someone reach their own potential.

I will not apologise for teaching you to put God into your life and keep him there even when people you know have forgotten this. I know it is this focus that the atonement is real and that you and I need this gift daily.

By now you would have a perfect understanding of your mother's weaknesses and for this I do apologise. I am still learning even though I am OLD. Learn from me and know that I may have got many things wrong - but it was always while in pursuit of becoming a better mother.

As you prepare for the next chapter in your lives, know that there is no other who loves you like your mother.

Your mum xox

Launching....

A life ago, I used to teach human development to a group of rangatahi (young people) who were moving towards either being a midwife or a nurse. It was a great job, and to be honest I am sure I learnt more than anyone else! One thing I used to teach which still  gets me every time is something called LAUNCHING - basically its the time in the development of a human, when an adult/parent lets their children go and these offspring are literally launched or propelled into life on their own without you.

Well - its coming up that time for me and I have to tell you - it ain't easy for this mama bear! I kind of know what to expect because our sons left home for two years to serve an LDS mission in the Dominican Republic. But this time, there is no expectation for them to return... and to be honest an expectation that they will NOT return...

I know my friends try and tell me to "harden up" and "get used to it" and "better still to wait until I get grandchildren". But, my thinking is that I don't want to wait for grandchildren because I LOVE the children I already have ;-) That plus the fact that for a mother of sons, is that those blessed grand-babies are going to come along with beautiful daughter-in-laws... Soooo back to the launching! 

Thankfully the mission help, so I am better prepared for when they do leave but my thoughts today are about the time period before they actually leave or are launched!


Get going!
Being a parent of an adult child. Now that is something else. Some days, I feel like the mother in this cartoon and want them gone like a fly on a summer day. I know people who have employed the tactic of giving their children a 'magic' age, when their child is deemed old enough to look after themselves - outside of the home and independent of their parents. Some of these children have gone on to flourish, and some left well before their 'age/number' kicked in and others have not. And although I sometimes wish I had given the boys the number of 21, now they are 21, I am glad that was a discussion we NEVER had - because although they may be ready - I AIN'T - yet, almost but not quite yet ;-).

Parental expectations
SO what's the problem? It's not really a problem - its just that your baby just got ADULT ;-) And here you are, in the same body, the same person as you were when they were a baby - just a bit older (and in case - waaaay heavier :-)), and still a parent. All the expectations you had as a parent, do not automatically disappear when your children are living with you and this is the first thing you need to overcome - because although you may not have changed - EVERYTHING has CHANGED. Gone are the rewards and punishments that you would engage when your children were babies, like grounding, or taking the phone off, giving gold star stickers etc and what you are left with are conversations - like adults - I know when sometimes, all you want to do is a good old drop-kick - no!! reasonable conversations and discussion are all you have left. Adult conversations - who knew I would be having these at work and at home! Anyone out there been successful with this? ;-)

A season for letting go...
What is becoming clearer for me as each day goes by, navigating the way through this adult-adult mother-son relationship is that the timing of this next phase is almost here.  It's a feeling of readiness that is growing inside me and I am grateful for the way things have turned out. You see when my sons came back from their missions, I swore that they were never going to go away again! I said it, but always knew in my heart that this was not going to be my reality - but as I touched and kissed them every day for the first few months, this feeling of readiness to let go started to sprout. They have been home 9 months now, both been at University, they teach a Missionary Preparation class, go to church, are both dating - although long distance for now, traveled overseas on their own to spend time with their girlfriends, and they go out with friends. All of these things are normal and in a way preparing me for this time and the season. I feel like I am going to be ready ;-) There! I've said it :-)

Accepting the 'new' look motherhood

When I think about the boys leaving, I sometimes get sad and I figure it is because I am in fact mourning for that part of my life that is over. Mourning for the doting mother, who ran around doing

things for her child, and who even on their missions maintained the intensity of her role of mother (which never decreased just because the boys were overseas), who with typical (of me - those who know me will agree) gusto sent them packages (at great expense), emailed weekly with photos, and kept a photographic journal of her life while they were away etc, all of which to fulfill her yearning need to be 'that' mother.. All of that part of my life has been lived and is over. And what is left is moving through this transition and accepting this new version of  being a mother and parent. The 'in your face' parenting has gone - replaced with being available when needed. With this, is the next phase for me and that is learning to trust that what I have done, everything I have done for my sons, has prepared them to be better than me, to love their children more than I did, and to launch them better than I am. Isn't this the ultimate role of a parent - to raise children to have more than what you had adn to be able to live without you! I accept this, well, learning to accept this and look forward to seeing how this all pans out ;-)

So there you have - launching - what it really feels like for a mother, well this mother! Does it make me crazy? Perhaps it has brought out the kooky-ness in me - but lets be real, there was already so much kooky-ness there in the first place ;-) Seriously and truthfully, I know for sure, I am going to do this 'launching' business the best I can - because after all, that is all each one of us can do - our very best!

Take care of you - love your children well, because, too soon - they will leave...

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Announcements

The funny thing about making announcements - is that it looks a bit ridiculous when you don't follow through! Case in point...... back in February, I made the announcement that I was coming back to the blogging space.... only to find six months later I had written nothing, not a peep, nada ;-) so I thought I better improve upon this and here I am da-dah ;-) 

It reminds me of the spectacular announcement I made in another blog a few years ago, about re-meeting the skinny me. I remember writing it while I was eating a spinach salad for dinner and loving it! I was happy because weight was dropping off me - (I was practically starving myself - drinking shakes for the other two meals - but it was coming off!!) So about that announcement! Let's just say, Skinny is being kept nice an warm and a happy little camper out of our freezing winter folded up, deep down under many many many many layers ;-)

While we are at it. I've been working for the same company for 13 years - not straight 13 years mind you - I was made redundant after the first three. I then applied for a new position under the new structure, and was successful, but after six years of that new job I tapped out and made the announcement that I was resigning. I sent out the farewell email to the few friends I had in the organisation, with 'the' song - "You're the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me".... I know - it was epic! I had the big farewell - got the gifts and walked away..... And then, 8 months later, I walked back into another role which I applied for, and although in a different role, I've been back for 4 years. So much for that announcement right?

What about the announcement I seem to make every couple of years that I am doing my PhD. That one has even made it into my CV - isn't that funny ;-) Three little letters that has taken me over 15 years to actually come to pass - well lets say we are the closest I have actually been to making it happen.... but no announcement this time until I am ENROLLED ;-)

But that's ALL in the past.... and they haven't gone too bad right - but who am I kidding..... Not to be seen as a quitter - I have some new announcements to add to my 2016 list ;-) and thought I would lay them out here and see where we go....

Every year I hold a Pink Ribbon Breakfast in honour of my beautiful mother who passed away from breast cancer in 2007. Every year, I made a mental note, or rather a silent announcement that it will be my last year.... only to host another one that gets bigger every year. As a side note, every year I swear I am going to be smaller at the next one, but like my fundraising - I seem to be getting bigger as well ;-) This year after, possibly being carried away on the good vibrations of a successful event, I made an announcement that for my mum's 10th anniversary, I will holding a Pink Ribbon Ball. Oh. My. Life!

Photo Credit: Avi Stoddard

So there's that one. The next three are pretty big, the first is that I am going to present at an international conference (yet to be accepted but now its out there - lets see how that goes...) and the second and third are to to do with my beautiful baby boys who turn 21 next week. The next announcements to come up for me are their engagements & wedding dates! Yes, my 2-3 followers, I'm going to become a mother-in-law sooner rather than later.... Those of you who know how I feel about these two human beings will know how much they are growing up - and the next little bit of life is going to be one heck of an adventure!!

So I guess that's about the only announcements that I can handle at the moment. I am officially back in the blogging space now so that's one I have managed to make and keep in the same year - a great start.

Take care out there people. Be good to each other, and next time you announce anything, make sure it happens. And if it doesn't - then make sure you have a smile about it and try again later ;-)

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

I'm back!

Hi ya!

Its been a looooong time since I was here and it's good to be back in the blogging space again. I know I should have called this blog - 'bout time!

When I left this blog was called 5 lessons in 2 minutes. In 2010, the idea of this blog was to share 5 lessons that I had learnt on a particular topic and to write it in a way that someone could read it in 2 minutes. The funny thing is that, one of my first blogs, I got a comment back saying that it took longer to read my lessons in 2 minutes!

So here I am - re-branding or re-launching my blog - and what better way than with a new name - 'Bout That! Its been set up along the same lines as the previous blog - but gone are the time restrictions or the number of lessons learnt.... This time its just going to be me sharing my thoughts and ideas on a subject - as if I you and I were talking and you mention something, and then 'ping!' and idea comes to my mind and I say back to you - 'bout that' and I give some random thoughts on whatever we would be talking about....

And that's 'bout it! Since I have been away so much has changed, yet stayed the same. I'm still a mother - but now I'm the mother of two adult men - I still call them my boys - who are off to university. Mr is still around and so is my cat - although I am a year closer to getting a dog...

Why am I doing this? Well, living in a house of boys that don't talk - and being the only girl here, as a gift to myself, I have decided - I need to get me some different friends - and here I am - talking to you.

I know everyone is busy, so, for a few minutes (or longer), check out my blog and tell me what ou think by leaving a comments and thoughts 'bout that!

Yours in friendship,

Mxo