Dear Nan

On Friday night I went to a tangi for a sister of one of my managers. As the tupapaku (body) was being brought onto the Marae - the karanga heavy with grief was stirring and emotional. However, it was who came with the tupapaku that affected me. Although saddened by watching her grieving husband, her sons and daughters, and siblings accompanying this loved woman, what broke my composure was the sea of 40+ tamariki and rangatahi (children and youth) that followed. These babies were obviously her mokopuna (grandchildren) and the sound of crying, sniffling and sobbing was heartbreaking. As it was time to sit, they were all pressed up to their Nan, so close to each other, that it looked like they couldn't get close enough and I cried for them - because their loss was so real.

It reminded me of my mother's passing and the impact of her loss on her mokopuna. It's been three years since her passing (May 24th), so after reflecting on my recent experience, I asked my mother's moko (my children and 3 nieces) for the one thing they missed about their Nan in their own words (so not a long blog today ;-))

I dedicate this to all the Nans out there. You make a difference and hold a revered place in the hearts of our babies, and I join the chorus of parents who thank you for providing the link from our hearts to theirs.

1) I miss Nan's Cooking
14 now: 11 at the time of Nan's passing
When asked what it was about her cooking this particular moko missed - the answer was that it was 'yum'. My mother always said she couldn't cook - but to her moko - her cooking was beautiful. Her baking is missed, her fresh bread, scones, slices, cinnamon buns (maybe I added those for me?), and the fact that she collected more recipes than she had time to make them. Her pantry was always stacked with goodies dedicated for her moko and her only son (my brother). Nans spoil our children!

2) I miss talking to her
14 now: 11 at the time of Nan's passing
This particular moko does not talk much, so this was pretty significant for him. When I asked him what does he remember talking about I tried to prompt him with the things my mother said they had discussed and he would share with her like "Nan, what am I going to do when you die? What am I going to do?" and so on. I asked if he remembered saying this and he said "No." Then he piped up "I did ask her if I could have her house when she died?" :-) Nans can break down communication barriers.

3) Nan used to buy me NEW clothes
9 now: 6 at the time of Nan's passing
I asked this moko "What did Nan buy you?" to which my niece replied "pjamas (PJs) and a 'costume' for my birthdays, like new shorts and a new top." I asked her, "How did this make you feel babe?" her reply was simple - "Special". My mother used to have a very very good relationship with Pumpkin Patch and other clothing outlets ;-) Every birthday and christmas her moko got a new outfit. She was renowned for buying in the off-season and stashing them away. The trouble is that those clothes had a habit of coming out of the stash 'just because'. For Easter - she did not buy eggs, instead buying pairs of pjamas for each of her moko which was always a buzz for a room full of moko. Nan's make better santas than santa!

4) I miss her cuddles
16 now: 13 at the time of Nan's passing
My beautiful niece held a special place in her Nan's heart as she was our first. When I asked her what she missed most about Nan, she told me that it was her cuddles. So I asked "how did her cuddles make you feel?", to which she replied "it made me feel happy and loved." A Nan's cuddle is priceless.

5) I miss Nan's voice
12 now: 9 at the time of Nan's passing
When I asked this moko, what she missed the most - her instant reply was "her hugs", but because her big sister had tagged that one, her reply was "Nan's voice". I asked her what she missed about her voice, and we shared laughter as we recalled her Nan calling her often as this moko was her worker and help mate. Actually 'often' is an understatement, - her name was called regularly!!;-) When I asked my niece "How did it make you feel hearing her call for you all the time?", she replied, "it put a smile on my face even when she was growling me." The voice of a Nan is magical.

We miss you mum. See you in the hereafter.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox