Journals....

Recently I have cleared out two bookshelves of "stuff" that I had once thought important enough to keep... and while doing that I made the mistake of sitting down to read. A mistake only because I became riveted to the same spot for hours going through my life in my own words. What an interesting experience. I did an exercise my sister and I used to do growing up, and picked a random date and read what it said in our journals :-) This time around I discovered that July was definitely not a popular month for journal entering - so I took the nearest one and here's what thirty years looks like in my own words....

Sunday 21st June 1981
This week was busy. The orchestra played up the hospital for ward 37 and 38. I played on the organ which I really enjoy. I played a solo on the piano an believe me it was a cranky one. We had afternoon tea.. We were planning the Skoda to be at our place on Friday because Grandad was going to bring it down. He did but it broke down in Huntly and Grandad hitched-hiked down here.The one thing I remember is that that Skoda never made it passed the mechanics - my mother's first car and it was a dud ;-) The orchestra went on to play at the School festival. I was sick as a dog, but my teacher came to my house to ask my mother if I could go.... and I did.

Saturday, 13th July 1991
Hello again. I  know I am useless. Anyway here's what has happened. Gwen got married last week. I got fired from Kentucky (still not over that). Sat my Renaissance Drama Exam, think I got wasted. Turns out I was physic - I got totally wasted ;-) My Public Law A lecturer is leaving. He had an affair with a few of the students - one of which had twins to him. Our [wedding] invites are here and most are sent. Nice. Mum, Dad and Beryl came down. Dad's had an accident. Rau is dying. Daddy may not be able to make it back to the wedding. [The lady who] is sewing the dress -  told Mum I'm too fat.... Not that I didn't know. I went on to get married a little over a month after this entry :-) I changed seamstress soon after and felt much better for it.

Friday, 28th July 1995
A whole week has past and can I remember where it went? All I know is Monday I was bored out of my treetop in my psych class, humbuggered in my psych tutorial AND almost passed out in my Masters class1-3pm..... Now its Friday. Emptied the babies cot. Can't wait for them to come especially get out of me. Not in a bad way just I'm not really enjoying it anymore. My pelvic bone hurts, I can't move and now I have to eat small frequent meals - I can handle frequent, but small!?! Mum found a really nice story. Im putting it in my journal. She read it to me and started crying. She's been crying heaps lately but I don't mind... On Sunday the 20th August, I gave birth to two beautiful little boys, 4lb5oz and his brother 5lb3oz. I graduated with my Masters in April 1998.

Tuesday 25th July 2000
Simba got groomed today and she looks lovely. Had to buy her a jersey from the op shop because being winter and all.... anyway mum came to watch the  boys before I went to Polytech and I'm very impressed with what she had planned - so happy with her. Very lucky the boys have her what a great learning opportuniy. Thank you. I started a teaching part-time (one lecture a week) and worked around my children and looking after my mother from 1998 until I started working where I am now in 2003.

Sunday 3 July 2005
Choir was something tonight. We should have been brushing up but couldn't because people are still learning so it was very interesting.. We have our last practice on Wednesday which hopefully will seal it. I'm going to make some muffins, buscuits, milo and soup for people to eat on Wednesday or something different. Speaking of eating my diet left the building today - escaped!! The diet is still missing and I've been looking for it ever since ;-)

Sunday 25th July 2010
Another blog entry.... and from my own words ;-)Yours in friendship,

Mxox

The sounds and images of a month

Today's blog is about some of the things that touched me in the last month. Every opportunity provided me with more life lessons that will make me a better person.

A great woman

In the weekend I had the privilege of travelling with a group of work friends to a little place called Ruatahuna for the unveiling of a friend who was also a work friend. The woman who had passed was a beautiful person both inside and out and her loss is still being felt by many. Being with our friend's people was an experience I will never forget. She was such a beautiful Cook Island/Maori woman, who taught me lessons in kindness. She is a great woman - who we love and miss every day.

Remembering a life
My sister and I have been looking for a way to remember our mother and found a
breast cancer pandora bracelet to help us. We are looking forward to adding charms one for every year. It is an exciting and wonderful way for us to share with each other our mother's love for pretty pink things....

They're gonna be alright...

I'm a mother who worries about her children. I worry that I am not doing something to help them prepare to be adults, good husbands and fathers. So I was chuffed recently, when preparing for their first ball, I wrote on my facebook the following "Here I am advising my sons that girls at their age can be heartless and not to be despondent when the little princesses reject them after being asked for a dance.... for one son to say "Mum, don't worry - I'm gonna say, "do you want a dance?" and if she says "no", I'm gonna say - "I wasn't asking you anyway" - and then... ask the next girl ;-)". I knew in that moment they were gonna be alright!

Life's not for quitters

I recently presented  a segment on attitude and the story that came to mind and the one I shared was that of Sally Robbins. Her Australian team were coming third heading into the final 500 metres of the race when she dropped her oar and rested on her team mate. As expected the Australian media vilified her with the Daily Telegraph reporting "In a team sport such as rowing what she did was unforgivable. It appears Robbins committed the greatest crime there is in honest sport: she quit".  I learnt that life is not for quitters and I do not ever want to be a Lay-down Sally.

A mother's love
In the last month I attended the tangi of a beautiful premature baby boy. His mother suffered physically bringing him into this world and knowing that his little life had ended must have made this process even more difficult. Having left the hospital to be with her baby at his tangi, I watched this wonderful mother struggling to walk, resorting to crawling in order to move - all so she could join her whanau (family) in farewelling their baby/brother/moko(grandchild)/nephew/cousin. I witnessed that day the love of mother and its limitless capacity to suffer and love for a child.

It was an interesting month and looking forward to plenty more like it ;-)

Yours in friendship,

Mxox                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Raising Teenager Boys

I don't purport to know much -and being the mother of teenagers is proving this right! What I do know is that I am learning more and more everyday being the parent of teenagers. I remember dreading the day that the boys would get to adolescence and now I am here I am willing us all (teenager and parents) to get to adulthood intact ;-)

Here is what I am learning.

LESSON ONE - Seize the moment
Teaching moments are golden and I have found that they come around at the odd times, like when I am least prepared, or in the middle of doing something else... The lesson that I have learnt is there is nothing more important than my teenagers and if there is a window of opportunity worth seconds or minutes to impart something from me to them - then I seize it. Its not's a time to lecture - its a time to share. You take too long - they zone out. You start preaching - they tune out. However, if you share something from what you are going through and ask what they think - then you have an 'in' moment. Be open to being taught by your teenager.... I have and its amazing what they know ;-)

LESSON TWO - Build a bridge - go to them
Recently, I happened to sit on the side of my son's bed as I had noticed he was "off" and asked him what was the problem. All he said were six words - "I need a meeting with Dad" and it was done. Yes, I am the parent and my teenager should come to me, but I am also the adult who has the skills and tools to build a bridge between parent and teenager. It is not a sign of weakness to go to your teenager, and in fact teaches them that they too can cross the bridge...

LESSON THREE - Listen & Zip it
I don't know what happens when teenagehood comes along but the word count in my house dropped by thousands.... I hope it recovers because although the incessant talking of one of my sons was a pain when he was little - I had no idea that the upcoming silence when he became a teenager would be far worse... So I have learnt that where parents are concerned - there must be a word count which is kept to pretty rigidly... so I listen very carefully to what is said. I have always been a good listener and this has helped me communicate effectively with my teenagers - however the key skill that I utilise the most is when listening to my teenager is 'to shut my mouth' - because any interruptions can kill conversations - so listen and zip it.

LESSON FOUR - Keep your judgments to yourself
As parents and adults we become pretty good at judging people and situations and making decisions based on that. This is both a handy skill but can also hinder growth and the opportunity to cease new challenges. With my teenagers - it is important to keep judgements to myself. What I think my sons are feeling, doing or about to do is not necessarily the case. My judgements are built on a lifetime of experience. My teenagers don't have that because they are the beginning of their lifetime. There are other ways to teach and I have learnt that how I respond to my teenagers is critical to their experiences and will add to their skills to judge situations later in life. So in reality my thinking as a parent and that of my teenager son can literally be lifetimes apart.....

LESSON FIVE - I love you
I tell my sons that I love them every day.  As children, the last words they heard before they went to sleep was that I loved them and they would respond in kind. As teenagers - this still happens - when their mother can remember... I am sure that my teenagers are amongst the few who end their phone conversations with 'love you'. For me, it was important that my sons knew this and as growing men - saying "I love you" is viewed as normal and acceptable behaviour. It is something that they can have that was a part of me into their new lives and eventually into their families long after I am gone..

I figure we have five more years to get through the teenager/young adult years.... so I am sure that these lessons will keep growing. I wish us all well in this important work - being parents of teenagers!

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

Dear daughter-in-law

After sharing a conversation at a wedding reception with a mother of married sons - it re-ignited my criteria for what I want in a daughter-in-law. My friend advised me that all my husband and I can do is to continue to raise the boys the best way I can - but to know that they will ultimately make their choice. At that time our role is then to support him in that choice...

I am raising my sons the best I can - and they are turning out to be pleasant enough young men, they go to seminary without being forced, they play sports without me telling them to, they sit through church and sing along sometimes, they know how to count their lunch money, catch buses, cook noodles, eat dinner at the table most nights, and do their homework - so that makes them near perfect, right? ;-)

So what do I want from the woman who will eventually capture my son's heart:

1) Good family
My daughter-in-law needs to come from a good family. I know some people who would prefer if the mother of their grandchildren doesn't come from a broken home - but for me it doesn't matter. I come from a broken home and been married for 20 years, others have come from long time married parents and divorced after five years. A good family is led by parents with principles, that want the best for their daughters and live a life that complements this.

2) Strong values
Our daughter-in-laws need to have strong values and definitely be of our faith. I didn't spend a life time raising two strong boys in a faith that we believe in for it to be undermined by another...Strong values include work ethics, loving others, maintaing a strong family connection, and the importance of the role of a mother.

3) Educated
An educated young woman will be such an asset to my son and their potential family. She will be able to educate their children and provide a firm foundation for their children that is priceless. She doesn't necessarily need a degree - but whatever she can get before being married will be a bonus as she will be able to support the family when needed.

4) Sense of Humour
I'm praying that my sons choose someone who has a sense of humour and doesn't take herself too serious. We are a family that laughs together and usually at some odd times - but that's what keeps us grounded. If she can laugh at my jokes - then she's a winner!

5) Shares
When I was young I remember a saying "a daughter is a a daughter for all of her life, a son is a son until he gets him a wife" and it terrifies me that I will lose my sons to someone else...... so my ultimate request is that my future daughter-in-law knows how to share :-)

I figure I have another ten years to go before the dreaded sentence - "Mum I would like you to meet [the most perfect woman in the world]" which will give me enough time to practice smiling and then saying "Welcome to our family"... I don't know if I can do it! I already dislike my daughter-in-laws immensely for taking away my boys - but hopefully by then I'll change ;-)

Yours in friendship,

Mxox