Where were you?

Recently I was at a tangi for a young man who had killed himself. I have thought about this young man nearly everyday and I hope that I think of him for the rest of my days...... because the question for me was "where was I?"

The tangi was attended by hundreds of people from a small town. As the tupapaku left the Marae - this young man's class did the haka. It was a stirring display of raw emotions that was so tangible that no one was left untouched..... And as the tupapaku made its way to the vehicle to be transferred to the urupa the local crowd started their haka and again the voices of all these people expressing their emotions, aroha and grief was incredible..... but led me to this one question? Where were all these people when this young man was alive?

So this question has been weighing heavily on me? Where were you? Where was I?

This young man has been the 13th suicide from this small town in the past seven months. Of all of those 12 were male and 1 was female. This is about right according to the research or facts on suicide that show that more men than women chose this option.... As a mother of sons, the wife of a husband and sister to one brother - who at any time in their lives, and to my knowledge the latter have - experienced overwhelming loss, anger, whatever - What have I done to help, what can I do? Where am I? Where are you?

This week I was in the room with an ex-gang member who was addressing the classmates of the young man who died and based on his life experience he shared with the room of 16-25 year olds - we can be there for each other by communicating with each other and listening and talking more - and the most courageous thing we can do in this whole matter was asking for help by telling someone. Inspirational korero from a man whose life could have ended if it was not for his decision to break the cycle.....

I have been part of the team trying to wrap support around the remaining young men in this boy's class and ensuring that there are things in place to capture the fall-out... We are doing this by ensuring that trauma counsellors are on board and there for whoever needs some help. It has been a learning curve for me and grateful there are people whose work puts them in contact with this kind of loss everyday.

Part of the way forward is ensuring that parents are being responsible and feeding into any plans that are provided for their children/our students. It was sad to see that only a handful of parents came to the tangi in support of their child - and the absence of others continues to play on my mind about being a parent present in my child's life in his ups and more importantly when the bottom of his world drops out... we have a lot to answer for by being parents - yes they are old enough - but they are still our children...

In terms of this small town, there is a collective agreement that there has to be something done to support them. I'm not sure what that is at the moment - but it is certainly a fight that I am willing to lend a helping hand and resources too. Suicide should never be acceptable. It should be abhorent and remain unfathomable. I, along with many of colleagues believe that that we need to so something and be counted.... I will let you know how we go.

I am reading a book on Karen Carpenter - one of the finest singers to grace this planet - and the foreward to this book was written by another fine artist - Dionne Warwick who tells of a meeting between the two in a motel in New York when Dionne writes "little did I know that I succeeded in doing something no one else had been able to do. I was able to get her to eat a cup of soup with a few saltine crackers". Something so little yet so signficant, something unknown and so profound. What can we do?

So, where are you in the lives of the vulnerable and needy? Because its near impossible to tell who is either of these things - the best thing to do is to be there - be present in the moment and be counted. Don't let any opportunity to be that "someone" slip by you because you are too busy - because just then, in that split second - you could the "one" whose words matter most.

Yours in friendship

Mxox

What were you thinking?

I used to teach human development to Rangatahi who were starting to train as nurses or midwives and the one thing that I remember to this day is the phase that adolescents go through called - invincibility. This is where a young person has the perception that nothing negative is going to happen to them...

At that time I didn't have children and couldn't fathom what would make an otherwise normal human being all of a sudden assume the role of superman and transformer all at once. Several years later, I'm writing as a mother of two little super transformers that I pray will reach 25 years old and out of this phase ;-)

Anyway, recently, I have been reading The Politically Incorrect Guide to Teenagers by Nigel Latta and for the first time ever, someone actually explains what happens inside a young persons brain and after reading it - I felt a little bit better, still nervous and anxious, but better...

FACT ONE The brain is still developing in a teenager. I had always believed that the first three years were most important and anything past that was a bonus, but basically it was a done deal…. According to research, and Nigel Latta – the teenage brain is different from a child and an adult and in fact the changes that occur to the brain during this time are some of the most dramatic and important changes over the human lifespan.

FACT TWO The pre-frontal cortex is the last to develop. The part of the brain that is described as being the seat of reason is called the pre-frontal cortex. “This part of the brain is involved in such things as learning rules, understanding consequences, working memory, and how we make sense of emotions”. There seems to be a sudden increase of activity in this region which peaks at about 11 ye ars old for girls and later for boys…

FACT THREE Changes in the reward centre of a teenager's brain makes them prone to seek out the 'buzz' or short-term, risky activities. Because of this, teenagers seek out those things rather than focus on things that have long-term gain. According to research, this desire for this 'buzz' like feeling increases when they are around others of the same age. Latta writes about an experiment that had teenagers put in an MRI scanner and asked to do a simple task and watched the lights go off however, when the teenagers were told that  they were being watched by other teenagers, the screens light up like fireworks.... Parents know that  that when teenagers are with their friends they will take unnecessary risks - now nueroscience proves it.

FACT FOUR The wiring in the brain isn't fully insulated by the myelin sheeth until in the early twenties. This decreases the speed and efficiency of thinking. Latta compares this to a computer when he says that "whilst adults have the equivalent of high-speed connections between the left and right side of their brains, teenages are still working on the uninsulated dial-up version. Whilst we can point and click at mental web pages which load pretty much instantly, teenagers have to spend a bit longer wiating for the site to load before they can make a decision".

FACT FIVE Teenages can make good decisions in theory (such as not to swim with sharks), but it take them longer than adults to reach those decisions and they use different parts of their brain to do it. MRI scans showed that although when the same scenario is presented to adults and teenagers the decisions were the same - different parts of the brains were used. The adults were able to summon up the end 'picture' and made decisions immediately based on that outcome. Whereas it appears that teenagers break things down and go through each scenario and depend on rationalisation.... For me the most crucial bit of this is that teenagers can make good decisions - and I'm holding on to that ;-)

So you see - there is more to a teenager's brain than many of us knew and does it make a difference? For me it 1)explains how my sons are thinking and hopefully I am reminded that how I got to my decisions and thinking process won't even be close to theirs, and 2) I will also try to remember that my decisions are based on my life - and theirs is still being formulated.

Mr Latta may know what he is talking about but for me - the most important thing I got going for me is the faith that how I have raised my sons - will count for something ;-).

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Parenthood

Recently my husband and I were invited to join other parents on a panel  to answer some questions about parenthood. In the audience were about 20 + teenagers from about 14-17 years old.... two of which were our 15 year old twins.... 

1) What is the most enjoyable thing about being a parent?

My response: To hear the words "mum" and "mother".... I couldn't think of anything more enjoyable than that - except for when the word 'Mum' is followed in quick sucession with, "can I? ....can I?... can I?.... will you?.... awwww but mum". Maurice and I value being parents because we were told it was unlikely ever going to  a mum and a dad due to ongoing girly problems.... so hearing the word 'Mum' is pretty special ;-) What is yours?

2) What is the biggest challenge you face as a parent?

My response: As a mother of sons, my biggest challenge was being able to communicate with my babies... because my sons just stopped talking once they hit 13/14 years of age.... and I remember clearly when one of them was littler - and he used to yack and yack and yack until I had to ask him to be quiet so his brother could get a word in..... and now - SILENCE. What is yours?

3) How would you judge if your child was successful?

My response: I would  judge my children's success by them going on their missions, marrying in the temple (to someone who would let me have the grandchildren), going to university, getting a good job (and well off enough to keep me in my old age) . Obvsiously aimed to lift the mood of the room of teenagers - these fell flat on the floor and I didn't even get a smile from either of my two babeis... What I should have said and I wish I said so that my son's could hear - was I would judge my child's success when they are happy in what they do, where and how they do it, and is an outstanding father and loving husband.... it's all about how the game of life is played - not really anything to do with what you get at the end... How will you judge your child's success?

What is some advice you would give your children on how to be a good parent?

Well, by now my son's would have wished a big great gaping hole would have swallowed them alive... because when it came around to my turn -  I said something like don't try and find someone to marry now - you are young - be young, and enjoy - then I said something about the young women about letting the boys do their thing and don't interfere... I know I said that to the girls in the class - practically putting a great big warning out there ;-) I think that my son's believe that I totally destroyed any chance of them ever getting married now ;-) What is your advice?

How do I feel about the counsel given that our children have claim upon their parents for maintenance until they are of age?

I have absolutely no problem with this - It really is the only reason I work and live for. The question around - what is "of age" - well for me it's obvious - until they die...... I truly believe that... I brought my children into the world, so it is mine and my husband's responsibility to love them and look after them forever, even with grandchildren.... and I guess a wife ;-)

How would you have answered these questions?


Yours in friendship,


Mxox

What more can we do?

I recently joined Greenpeace.

The only reason I joined was the young man used the words "te Whānau ā Apanui". Having just been blessed enough to be at a conference where Dayle Takitimu spoke about the struggles of her iwi - it made perfect sense to do something - and joining Greenpeace made perfect sense.

In the media here in New Zealand the plight of this Iwi has been brushed under the mat - or almost ignored which I cannot believe. It is not a Iwi issue - it will affect everyone.

Recently companies have tendered for the right to explore for oil after some of our most pristine water in what is known as the Raukumara basin. It is a multi-BILLION dollar operation. The New Zealand government awarded, a Brazilian company, Petrobra, an exploration permit for 12,330 km. I've had the privilege to swim in the water where this exploration will share and it is perfect water - perfect, and now this.

Here are some things you need to know:

Who are Petrobra?
I would probably not be alone if I thought that zero incidents would be acceptable for the oil drilling industry, but Petrobra has had many, of which six happened in the course of one year with an oilspill of more than one million litres polluting Rio de Janeiro's picture-postcard Guanabara Bay. A decade later – there are still no fish or crab growing. http://youtu.be/WBZNKcQ4ba8 The website page “Caddie in the Council” reports that “the influential publication Bloomberg Business Week made the dire assessment that the Brazilian owned Petrobras is ‘more exposed than any oil company on the planet to the risk of an accident similar to the Deep water Horizon spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the largest in U.S. history’ http://manu.org.nz/2010/07/05/whats-wrong-with-drilling-east-cape/ This is the company that the government awarded an exploration permit.

A Picture paints a thousand words




 

This is what the water looked like when I was there last year. I wish I could do justice by describing what it was like to swim there. At the time this photo was taken there was a local kura exploring the sides and eventually went for their swimming session there and activity that can be potentially lost forever... .

 

 



Government reaction

The most disturbing factor that I have had the most difficulty understanding has been the government reaction to an Iwi, or basically the local community of the Raukumara Basin. Recently, without consultation or information, the local waters of Whanau-a-Apanui have had the following visitors, a Petrobras survey boat, Flotilla observing (1 arrest made on Te te Whānau ā Apanui skipper), 3 Navy warships, and Airforce aircraft and police mobilization. Not only this the Iwi has been told that there has been notification lodged, of which the government is entertaining a permit for for petroleum and gas exploration inland at Raukumara ranges / forest park – with no consultation to date with Iwi.

The risk is too great

According to the information that is at hand, Petrobras will be drilling three times the distance of the latest BP rig disaster off the Coast of Mexico. There is no existing technology to support this kind of drilling. The floor in which the drilling will be down has been proven to be tectronically unsafe with an earthquake being recorded the week of the conference.

The Land of the free – just not a free trade agreement

One of the greatest things about living in Aotearoa is the green clean image and being the land of democracy. However, this goes to show that there are some things that our government is willing to do - at the expense and regardless of the voice of the people, to make some money and be a part of a free trade agreement.



Robert Ruha has said "Te Whānau ā Apanui will continue to oppose deep sea drilling in its waters now and forever. We will continue to let the Government know that te Whānau ā Apanui will oppose this exploitation of the environment for as long as it takes, and in as many forms as that opposition is necessary, until deep sea oil drilling and inland mining in our tribal territory is off the agenda forever." To which Greenpeace Executive Director Bunny McDiarmid added, from the waters of the Raukumara Basin, as skipper on Tiama.“This is a determined opposition, a united front against deep sea oil exploration that sent a clear message to international oil giants that New Zealanders do not want deep sea oil exploration”,

So I joined Greenpeace and stand with te Whānau ā Apanui in defending their tribal waters and land

Mxo

 

The perfect wife

If you aren’t from New Zealand – you may have to find an equivalent sport to relate to this – but for me and my household the predominant sport is Rugby… and that is followed closely (as in millimetres) by any other sport that has a ball – whether it be green (tennis), red (cricket), white (golf) or oval (football, league, etc). I think you get the picture. In fact, I had an Uncle that used to watch as much if not more sport than my husband and I remember being amazed that he would even watch golf of all things….. only to find that twenty years later my companion that I am meant to live this life and the next with, has become that man!!

But I digress. Let me share with you what can make a normal wife - into the perfect wife of a sports crazy man.

Last night, after dinner, Mr and Mrs were sitting in the lounge and Mr was channel flicking (a talent that he is developing although if there was an Olympic sport – he would win gold already) between rugby, rugby league, this country, that country, that code, this code etc…. and I looked at him and I asked “am I the perfect wife – if I just sit here and let you continue flicking through the channels?” Mr replied, “Yes.”

Mrs asked – “as the perfect wife, would you like me to continue sitting here quietly without any interruption?” Mr replies, “you can make some comments here and there.” Mrs had to get some clarification – and it was brought to her attention that general comments like “the boys are fighting, or the toilet is blocked” were not included.. The words that could be used had to be about the ‘play’, the ‘moves’, the ‘ball’, and include words like, ‘tackle’, ‘wide!!!’ and passit!!. On this note, I actually think my friend Mandy would make a perfect wife.

Mrs asked a question she already knew the answer to, but on a roll and couldn’t stop now… “Would the perfect wife talk to you through the rugby?”. Mr answered – “no she wouldn’t”. By now we had almost had a whole conversation….

Judging the situation Mrs started rounding up this one sided conversation and asked “would I be the perfect wife if I got up and made a smoothie for our pudding (after cooking a beautiful meal)”. Mr smiled and looked me directly (remember this is during a game so any seconds away from the action is measured in momentous ;-)) and said “yes”.

Then Mrs asks her final question “is there anything else that a perfect wife could do for you…..?”, and Mr said the words that would seal his fate - “if you could just clean the house, that would be perfect”....

To that Mrs looks around the lounge, tiring herself out in doing so, sighs, and then replies…“well, when you become the perfect husband we will talk, and as for tonight – you can sleep in the perfect spare room ;-)”

Mxox