Where were you?

Recently I was at a tangi for a young man who had killed himself. I have thought about this young man nearly everyday and I hope that I think of him for the rest of my days...... because the question for me was "where was I?"

The tangi was attended by hundreds of people from a small town. As the tupapaku left the Marae - this young man's class did the haka. It was a stirring display of raw emotions that was so tangible that no one was left untouched..... And as the tupapaku made its way to the vehicle to be transferred to the urupa the local crowd started their haka and again the voices of all these people expressing their emotions, aroha and grief was incredible..... but led me to this one question? Where were all these people when this young man was alive?

So this question has been weighing heavily on me? Where were you? Where was I?

This young man has been the 13th suicide from this small town in the past seven months. Of all of those 12 were male and 1 was female. This is about right according to the research or facts on suicide that show that more men than women chose this option.... As a mother of sons, the wife of a husband and sister to one brother - who at any time in their lives, and to my knowledge the latter have - experienced overwhelming loss, anger, whatever - What have I done to help, what can I do? Where am I? Where are you?

This week I was in the room with an ex-gang member who was addressing the classmates of the young man who died and based on his life experience he shared with the room of 16-25 year olds - we can be there for each other by communicating with each other and listening and talking more - and the most courageous thing we can do in this whole matter was asking for help by telling someone. Inspirational korero from a man whose life could have ended if it was not for his decision to break the cycle.....

I have been part of the team trying to wrap support around the remaining young men in this boy's class and ensuring that there are things in place to capture the fall-out... We are doing this by ensuring that trauma counsellors are on board and there for whoever needs some help. It has been a learning curve for me and grateful there are people whose work puts them in contact with this kind of loss everyday.

Part of the way forward is ensuring that parents are being responsible and feeding into any plans that are provided for their children/our students. It was sad to see that only a handful of parents came to the tangi in support of their child - and the absence of others continues to play on my mind about being a parent present in my child's life in his ups and more importantly when the bottom of his world drops out... we have a lot to answer for by being parents - yes they are old enough - but they are still our children...

In terms of this small town, there is a collective agreement that there has to be something done to support them. I'm not sure what that is at the moment - but it is certainly a fight that I am willing to lend a helping hand and resources too. Suicide should never be acceptable. It should be abhorent and remain unfathomable. I, along with many of colleagues believe that that we need to so something and be counted.... I will let you know how we go.

I am reading a book on Karen Carpenter - one of the finest singers to grace this planet - and the foreward to this book was written by another fine artist - Dionne Warwick who tells of a meeting between the two in a motel in New York when Dionne writes "little did I know that I succeeded in doing something no one else had been able to do. I was able to get her to eat a cup of soup with a few saltine crackers". Something so little yet so signficant, something unknown and so profound. What can we do?

So, where are you in the lives of the vulnerable and needy? Because its near impossible to tell who is either of these things - the best thing to do is to be there - be present in the moment and be counted. Don't let any opportunity to be that "someone" slip by you because you are too busy - because just then, in that split second - you could the "one" whose words matter most.

Yours in friendship

Mxox