Dear Emma

Dear Emma

Thank you for being a friend to me during the highs and my very low - when I was unwell. Thank you for the timely advice you gave me which is kind of ironic now since I have given the same advice to at least three other people since. Mind you, none of them took it, and as a consequence burnt and shrivelled up ;-) actually for all accounts and purposes they are doing okay. But most of all - thanks for being one of my hardcore blog followers which makes this letter and my lastest blog entry a direct hit ;-) - that and the fact that it is emailed directly to you ;-)

I'm writing this as I am waiting for my ride to come to see you and attend your dad's funeral service. Being here was a no brainer for me - pretty conflicting since I did have another gig with one friend (and a research project) to be at, and another friend of mine has lost her best friend - but there was no way I was going to miss being here for you - even if it is just for a few hours.... The funny thing is that when I got the notice that you had lost your dad and that the service was going to be held in Greytown, Wairarapa I called your fabulous PA to see what time I needed to be in town in order to make the ferry crossing.... You see - I knew the Wairarapa was in the North Island but that Greytown was in the South Island - so maybe the notice got a bit wrong ;-) Lucky Reti, put me straight with a note that a ferry would not be needed as Greytown is in the North Island.... - It wasn't until I met up with  Maurice later when he reminded me that Greymouth was in the South Island so Reti was right all along ;-)

I'm writing to share some advice with you that I have picked up on death, grief, loss, and how to cope. None of these are scientifically proven. In fact, my brother and sister who also have the privilege of being emailed my blog.... would wonder who was writing these as their sister has still lost the plot ;-) So here goes - my top five.

NOTHING WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY
Nothing I say is going to matter today. I write this knowing that this little blog doesn't even matter today :-) In fact for sometime nothing is going to matter except your pain and that of the rest of your family. And, you know what - that is totally okay. Who cares about next week - take every day at a time...

EMBRACE THE BEAST
Embrace all that hurt and sadness and let it wash over you... I mean, you are cautioned at other times not to feed your emotions because they can be greedy but this time let it go. I knew I was going to be some kind of drama queen when my mother died. I was at her side for her last 24 days, but we were close friends for years before.... so when she died my emotions took over, and in fact I had to be supported to the car to go to the funeral home - can you imagine this frame being supported ;-). But that was me... and I cried for months! I even heard Maurice cry - no see him cry but hear him sob... so embrace it - because the funny thing is - there will come a time when those emotions and the expression of them will be healing too.

TAKE YOUR TIME
There is no time limit on when you should get over it. I know of a woman who had lost her mother being encouraged a couple of weeks later by her husband "that is was time for her to get over it - and to move on"! He couldn't figure out what the hold up was.... Granted it was a man talking - but don't put a limit on the time to grieve. I'm talking about work Emma - take the time off or if you want to have a big fat sobby bawl - go out for some time...

TIME IS A HEALER
When Mum died - I thought I was going to die as well... People advised me at the time that time would be a healer and I thought they were stupid - because that hole in your pit of my tummy was going to be there FOREVER. The first year came and went and it was sad, the second year came and went and it was sad and so on and so on - and now  six years later - I can still miss her like HELL - but that raw sharp pain has eased and I am sooo thankful for it!! So time will take all that pain away - give it a makeover and give it back to you as a memory that when thought on will give you clarity....

THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH
Religious of not - one of the key parts to recovery or moving through the loss of a loved one is the belief that there is life after death. I mean why would there not be??


I write this knowing that today it ain't going to make a scrap of difference - but over time, and in time, every little bit will happen :-)

 Take care my friend....

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Stressed out?

One evening after being unsuccessful in stemming his bleeding nose, and after his mother's medical advice - my son jumped on the internet and found out for himself how to stop it from bleeding.... Somewhere in the world someone had the same problem and had found a way to solve the issue and helped my 15 year old on the other side of the world.... Ain't technology grand!?

Everyone is a little bit stressed and may even be heading towards burnout - but what does that really mean? So I followed my son's lead and thought I would give Mr Google a go and looked up stress and burnout and discovered a goldmine of information on a website called http://www.helpguide.com/

This is that I learnt about stress and burnout.

1) Differences
Burnout my be the result of unrelenting stress, but it isn't the same as too much stress. Stress, by and large, involes too much: too may pressure that demands too much of you physically and psychologically. Stressed people can still imagine, though, that if they can just get everything under contol, they'll feel better. Burnout, on the other hand, is about not enough. Being burned out means feeling empty, devoid of motivation, and beyond caring. People who experience burnout often don't see any hope of positive change in their situations. If excessive stress is like drowing in responsibiities, burnout is being all dried up.One other difference between stress and burnout: while your'e usually aware of being under a lot of stress, you don't always notice burnout when it happens.

2) How do you know?
According to http://www.helpguide.org/ you know when you are dealing with burnout by applying the three R's. Recognise, Reverse and Resilience. Recognise the warning signs of burnout, reverse the damage done by managing stree and seeking support, and build up your resilience to stresse by taking care of your physical and emotional health.

3) Warning signs
Physical signs and symptoms are feeling tired and drained most of the time and change in appetite or sleep habits. Emotional signs were a sense of failure and self-doubt, loss of motivation, and decreased sense of satisfacion and sense of accomplishment. Finally, the behavioural signs and symptoms are withdrawing from responsibiities, proscratstinating, or taking longer to get things done or skipping work or coming and late and leaving early.

4) Preventing burnout
If you are in this position - some simple tips found on http://www.helpguide.org/ include a) starting the day with a relaxing ritual, b) adopting health eating, exercising, and sleeping habits, c) setting boundaries, d)taking a daily break from technology, e) nourishing your creative side and f) learning how to manage stress. My favourie was setting boundaries which had something simple as learning to say "no" to requests for your time. If you find this diffidult (which mother/woman doesn't), remind yourself that saying "no" allows yoiu to say "yes" to the things that you truly want to do...

5) Recovery
Like all things - thankfully stress and burnout have an end. Recovering from it can include three things; 1) Slow down - force yourself to slow down or take a break. Cut back whatever committments and activities you can. Give yourself time to rest, reflect, and heal. 2) Get support - turn to your loved ones for support, and 3) Re-eavaluate your goals and priorities - take time to think about hopes, goals and dreasm. This can be an opportunity to rediscover what really makes you happy and to change your course accordingly.

If you are in this place where anything that I have found on this website applies - make some changes. If I can - anyone can ;-)

Yours in friendship

Mxox