What have you traded?

There is only one story that has been on my mind today and it is a story in the bible about twins -  Esau and Jacob.

Issac and Rebekah were married and it became apparent that Rebekah was unable to have children. Issac went to the Lord to ask for his wife to become pregnant and after his heartfelt pleas, Rebekah conceived. The pregnancy was difficult and it was Rebekah who then went to the Lord for counsel. A prophecy is given to her about her impending birth  and in Genesis Chapter 25 she is told that "Two nations are in they womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the younger"

The time came for the birth of her twins. Esau is born hours before his brother Jacob, and is  vividly described as being red and hairy - 'like a hairy garment' of which Jacob is not. Esau is a "cunning hunter" and is much loved by his father. Jacob in contrast is plain (which the footnote clarifies as being perfect, complete, whole, simple), dwells in his tents and is a pretty good cook. Jacob is favoured by his mother.

One day after a particular hard day in the "field" - Esau returns home hungry and thirsty. He asks his brother for some food because he is "faint". Jacob replies by saying to Esau - "Sell me this day thy birthright". Herein lies the first hold-the-bus moment for me. If I was Esau I would have asked "are you crazy?". You see the birthright was not just physical things like the land and possessions of his fathers which automatically goes to the the eldest child, but it also included the acknowledgement as the spiritual leader (and in all other ways) of the people.

Esau, says to his brother - in my words - Bro, I am about to die, what good will my birthright do for me? Jacob again says to his brother - "Swear to me this day" and herein lies the second hold-the-bus moment, Esau "sware unto him: and sold his brithright unto Jacob". Jacob gave Esau bread and a meal of which he drank and ate heartily. When he was finished he got up and left and it says "Esau despised his birthright".

By giving up his birthright, Jacob inherited the blessings of which Esau forfeited. Sure he was hungry and it does use the word famine for hungry - but really - something so insignificant for food? So I thought about this all day and pondered on the 'shortsightedness' of Esau. I ask myself, did he not know what he was giving up? How could he have been so ignorant? I know that he despised his birthright, and as the eldest child of my family - I understand the burden this can be - but was it so bad that he hated it sooo much he would trade it so easily?

My mind has been pondering on this as I liken it to myself and what my "pottage" may have been or could be that has cost me my "birthright" or values or things that really mean a lot to me. Within seconds my mind quickly turns to two of my own Esau moments where I have given up something of eternal significance for something with not so eternal consequences. There may be more...... many more....

The first concerns my role as a mother. For me being a mother has always been my number one priority - yet for years I let my life of other distractions take me away from this role. I traded in my blessing as a Mama, just as Esau did - not for food, but for a work that kept me away from my children and husband, and values once placed in my family being moved to being heavily invested (time, energy, focus) in money, a car, phone, laptop, travel and other 'bells and whistles'.

The second is in regards to my membership in my faith. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints church is part of my spiritual DNA - yet for years, just as Esau did for food - I let me life take me in to places and soaked in my activities that left me little time to connect spiritually. I became isolated from my place of strength and identity, slowly but surely.....

Have you traded something in at the expense of something that is highly valued eternally and spiritually? Is it time to stop and pause and take a stocktake of where you are?

I am blessed that unlike Esau who had lost his birthright forever, there has been a way to reverse these things- but is taking time. I have worked hard in the past few months to connect with both my family and my faith and am some way to getting a refund for these compromises. It has left me happier, poorer in temporal things - but rich in happiness and contentment.

Esau has taught me to stop and pause next time I do something or take on new roles and responsibilities outside of the home. He has taught me that I need to be considerate in what I do next.

Mxo

P.S: After years of trying to kill Jacob - for receiving a blessing intended for Esau from their father (under false pretences) - the brothers are reconciled many years later. Blood is, after all - thicker than water ;-)

Lessons from the RWC

New Zealand has just competed in a World Cup 45 day tournament for Rugby. Rugby is a 15-a-side game all centred around an oval ball. For a dummies guide to Rugby - not that you are a dummy - but rather the author is ;-) have a look at my 21st of August blog for a refresher ;-) There were 20 teams from across the planet competiting from Russia to Namibia, Argentina to Samoa and in between. The country plunged itself into the festivities and according to the media are confirmed as the bestess host country of this tournament EVER...

Anyway, love it or hate it, in New Zealand or America - it came, it saw and was conquered. Here are my lessons from the Rugby World Cup (RWC) 2011.

LESSON ONE - Get over it!
I don't particularly like Rugby. Like I have mentioned before, I was a rugby widow with small babies and it sucked. The older I get, and with the increase  of tv coverage of the sport - my middle-aged husband, whom I have been married to for 20 long rugby loving years - dominates the tv and I am subjected to games, re-runs of games, talk-shows on games, more talk shows on the rugby, seven days a week... only to have given birth to two sons, who have grown up to play and talk rugby!! So lesson number one - the RWC taught me to get over myself, and embrace it because it is something that the man and manchildren that I love - do! So I got a grip and got over myself and joined the hype ;-) and quietly between me and you - I actually enjoyed it!!

LESSON TWO - National Identity/Patriotism

One of the reasons I have had a difficulty with embracing Rugby is because of what it means to the country. It have a clear understanding that it is just a game - yet from what I have observed and by listening to commentators - both social and sports, the media - hard print and live coverage - it has been confirmed for me, that the country's well-being is heavily invested (financially, politically, economically, physically and psychologically) in how we do in Rugby. The latest tournament actually brought peoples together from this fair land in a way that a prime minister could only dream of doing. We had neighbours and strangers standing side by side willing on a single entity against the rest of the world... amazing!

LESSON THREE - Rugby is just a game - NOT

My case is highlighted by the fact that when the national team - the All Blacks lose, the domestic violence rate increases. So for me, the well-being of our menfolk is invested in a game and how well we do. To be fair I am sure that the rates for domestic violence probably spikes when we lose in the other codes - but the correlation with rugby is well documented. The day we can lose and lose graciously in our homes as well as in public - then rugby will truly be viewed for what it is - a game! This is something we can learn from the visiting teams and their supporters. How are we going to change this as a nation?

LESSON FOUR - Overcoming odds

My favourite player in the tournament was Piri Weepu. He is an example of overcoming the odds, and they were certainly stacked up against him in recent times. Firstly, he was unceremoniously dropped from the last world cup team just before the team left much to the dismay of his fans, his whanau and himself. Jo Public was unaware of the reasons - and we were not happy! When he broke his leg last year - it was with abated breath as we watched him recover, then slowly come back into his rugby with his local club, province, super 14 team and finally the All Blacks for the RWC 2011. In the semi-final Piri not only lead the empassioned haka (as he did for all the games), he had the kicking duties (should be number 10's job!), and played his own position while directing play from the backline - and all done as we are just learning - with the flu!! We won that game and Piri became a legend! Sure he played a shocker of a final - but this only goes a long way to telling the coaches - "Mate, one man shouldn't be doing everything!!"

LESSON FOUR - Redemption

The best example of this was in regards to a player called Stephen Donald.
Donald has played his rugby for my local province team for years, and the represented the Chiefs (also based locally) in a super 14/15 tournament with Australia and South Africa. He eventually made it into the All Blacks, however, his time in the black jersey was memorable for the wrong reasons, missed tackles, kicks, and calls.  In fact in his last outing against our arch rivals - Australia, Donald missed kicks costing us critical points and in fact was probably the most hated player in the country as he was blamed for that loss (remember lessons 2 and 3) - forget about the other 14 players ;-) So when we lost some key players to injury in the recent RWC tournament, Stephen Donald got the call and I would suggest the country laughed. He is known as Donald Duck to many of us because the worse thing you can get in another sport code - Cricket is a duck! and who better suited to that role as the last time he kicked he missed and we lost! So, after an unexpected injury to a key player - Donald was called on to play at 9:27pm Sunday, 23rd October in a little jersey that was obviously designed for the much smaller frame of the player he was replacing. Where I was watching - we didn't hold out much hope!! But Donald came on, with the weight of the country on him,  knowing that that same country was fractured in their support of his recall, and what does he do - he kicks a penalty square in between the uprights and won the game for New Zealand against France 8-7. And there you have it - redemption! From a zero to hero ;-)

Love it or hate it - the Rugby World Cup came, saw, and we conquered it. It brought me together with friends who are on the other side of the world, Aussie & even in Auckland as we ran a running live commentary on facebook while watching in different timezones...! It taught me some things about myself, and about the country in which I love - some things to be improved on - some things that are cool - and then other things that just 'are' the same yesterday, today and probably tomorrow, when it comes to the number one sport in the country - RUGBY.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

"I am not addicted!"

According to my son, my husband and I are the only parents on the planet that restrict our children's playing time on their PS3/Xbox games. When we got the boys their first PS2 we set aside one hour a week for them to play which was on a Saturday. As they have grown older - and the PS3 came along, this hour is still in place with a bit of leeway to accomodate for rewards (one son will take more time on his game than money) and holidays etc. These rules have somehow catapulted Maurice and I to the envious place as the worst (strictest) parents out there!! But, I don't care really because if it were not for those rules, I know that I would NEVER see one of my sons again as he would never come out of his room EVER!

Is he addicted? I tell him he is but as all addicted souls believe - his emphatic cry quickly comes back to me "I am not addicted!" Actually, I believe he isn't because he functions as a citizen in the world, attends school and church and actually can make words into sentences - so he's fine....its just that gaming sure is something he loves to to.


Logo for Hey U Guys Gaming
 (http://www.heyuguys.co.uk/)



So you can imagine the amusement we both shared (from different sides of the story) when in our local paper there was an article on page three entitled Online `snack' gaming now seen as mainstream fun or time filler. He was attracted to it because it had the word gaming ;-) and I wanted to see what the findings were saying about something we are both passionate about - albeit different ends of the spectrum.

The article is based on a study done in July 2011 by a university of 2428 people across 846 New Zealand homes, and here are my top five facts of interest:

ONE - Not just pimply geeky boys

My sons aren't either pimply or geeks ;-) so I already knew this. However, the study showed that 90% of New Zealand homes have some form of gaming device in the home. Nintey percent!

TWO - The average age of a gamer

"Research shows video games are no longer the domain of teenage boys, with the average Kiwi gamer 33 years old." and a key finding of this research was that 47% of gamers are girls. I wasn't suprised to see the first statistic because I know grown up men who play PS3 games, some of which don't have jobs, or are at school or on shift work. Of note here is that this survey actually included games on mobile phones, ipads, notebooks, computers and my personal favourite - social networds. I would suggest that this type of gaming is responsible for the spike in this statistic as adults can afford the higher end of technology and we play in our breaks, on the way to work and even for exercising (Wii) etc. What it shows is that that it is no longer a teenager 'thing'. as for the stats for girls - it is not suprising as the likelihood that girls will have mobiles and a heavy investment in social networking and other things that technology can provide to keep them connected to each other. Incidentally, this is my theory for why Scotty won American idol 2010 ;-)

THREE - Daily usage

My son had great delight in pointing out that 58% of people play either daily or every other day. I know when he comes back from school we will be talking about how his one hour a week can still be maintained ;-) That's a lot of time playing games people!

FOUR - Money, money, money

While I struggle to keep law and order in my house - the gaming industry bombards our children, and through other means entices grown ups to engage in some kind of gaming. Our phones now have access to a myriad of game options which can include battling others in games through our 'gadgets'. It is not going to stop or slow down. In in fact, the New Zealand gaming industry is going to be worth $192 million by 2015. That is a serious amount of money.

FIVE - Education

92% of parents who play computer games, use them to educate their children. I can understand that maths games and spelling games would be great tools - but I fail to see what my love for bejewelled blitz on facebook is going to teach my children :-) I would probably want to see this stat teased out a bit and explained more because as it is - it is most concerning to see that our children are being taught by a machine in the home and not by real people.....

So, where do you fit in terms of these findings? I know I'm going to be having a face-to-face verbal conversation (with no sign of any form of electronics in sight) with my son very soon to find out ;-).

Yours in friendship,


Mxo

Forget Me Not

I was privileged to be among thousands of women who gathered for an international broadcast for women. It was full of messages that were inspirational, however there is one that resonated with me as I go down this self directed journey of mine. The talk was by Dieter Uchtdorf and it was based on the forget me not flower.... As I listened to the words that were shared, I felt like every word was for me...Here is what I learnt ;-)

Forget not to be patient with yourself
The best comment that I got out of this was that "the Lord knows we are not perfect" (I already knew this to be true - and by experience no less!!) but what made me smile was when Uchtdorf added that "He also knows that the people that we think are perfect are not!" This is so true and something that I have learnt only in the last decade. For so long I used to look around and think that other families were more better, righteous, richer, happier, prettier, and the children were better behaved and so on... until you realise one day when you talk to these people, they are just like you. They have the same struggles and some are actually worse off. I apply this thinking when watching Keeping up with the Kardashians - and somedays it works :-)Uchtdorf encouraged us to be compassionate and considerate of ourselves and to stop punishing ourselves! We are to celebrate the small successes in our homes.... I need to be more patient with myself.

Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice
This is another lesson that I have just learnt in the last half of my life. I am an aesthetic person and a visual learner - so when I am asked to do things - the first thing I used to concern myself is with how things would 'look' and  stress over getting things perfect like the decorations - I'm pretty particular about that kind of thing - at the expense of the quality of what I was trying to teach or the objective of the exercise... I am still pretty ccommitted to things looking a certain way, but it more about the message and how that is shared that counts these days ;-) Uchtdorf encourages us to ask of ourselves "Am I committing my time and energy to things that matter most?"

Forget not to be happy now
Uchtdorf talked about the golden ticket in the children's story Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He used the behaviour of the people in the story who, upon the announcement of a winning golden ticket in five chocolate bars, became more concerned with getting the golden ticket and forgot about the actual joy of eating the chocolate. In most cases the bars without the tickets were overlooked and disregarded. Uchtdorf used this as an analogy for us to explain that "by putting happiness on hold (the life we have right now) in search of a golden ticket (more money, smaller body ;-), better this and better that) we will ulitmately miss out on the small pleasures and the simple and beautiful elegant moments" (notes or texts from friends, and beautiful meals with loved ones). What a wonderful reminder to be grateful for what you have!!

Forget not the 'why' of the gospel
This was directed at the women that were gathered who want to know how to do things and forget about why we do things. Every LDS woman is tasked with visiting other women every month of which most of us do. However we are taught that it should not be seen as an obligation, but rather as Uchtdorf encourages we would be better to remember why we are visiting, which is so that every home is visited and every woman knows that she is loved and supported.... A timely reminder!!

Forget not that the Lord loves me
In my notes I only recorded a few things but contained in those words were valuable messages - first, was "whatever our circumstances - we are not forgotten", secondly, "His love can heal any wound, and soften any sorrow". It was probably at this stage that I was touched the most because I believe this and know it to be true.... and I have never felt it more than I have done these past few months...

I walked away from this broadcast feeling that I was important. I realised and it was reaffirmed to me that my efforts are being counted and the matters that are important to me, and yet are minimal and go unnoticed by others, are actually important to my Heavenly Father...

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Lessons from Inspirational Women...

I have been waiting to tell you this story about some inspirational people that I am surrounded with. I am going to tell you this without them knowing (permission) because I don't want them to try and persuade me not to do this...... and knowing them as I do, I don't believe they realise the impact of what they have achieved has had on me, and I am sure the people around them..... 

I haven't used their real names but hoping they can add one and one together because I owe them so much....

I dedicate this blog to these inspirational women and thank them for the lessons their examples continue to teach me.

Claudia

I heard my friend Claudia speak somewhere and she told the people gathered (in my words and unfortunately from my memory :-)) that she was trying something new this year and had decided to only have one new years resolution and that was to be happy. To myself I thought wow, how cool is that, and I secretly wished I had picked one instead of my traditional ten plus goals..... A few weeks ago (and some nine months since I heard her speak about her one goal) we were talking and I asked her about being happy and she said she was the happiest that she had ever been. Although, no longer working full-time, and working at odd jobs (that she chose and at her pace), and having less money that when she was working full-time - her happiness factor had increased. She is a great example to me that less is more and happiness is achievable...To be happy - what a fantastic goal!

Ryder I

My friend Ryder is a single mother with four children who are well adjusted citizens of their community, church and the world and a privilege to know and love. But this is about Ryder and not the children. Ryder set a goal to be a policewoman last year and as part of that she is currently enrolled in a course which is two nights a week. Her babysitter arrives at her home on those nights to find that Ryder has prepared the children's dinner (and enough for me and my family whenever I have had to babysit), lunches for the next day are prepped, and children go to bed according to their established routine. This is an example to me that goals are not achieved without preparation and the little things. She can go to her class knowing that her children are taken care and therefore allowing her to concentrate on the tasks at hand.

Ryder II

The physical component of the course was always going to be a challenge yet Ryder again has been an inspiration here as well. On top of going to class which has a physical component to it, Ryder also trains six days a week outside of class. As a result Ryder is breaking her own personal best times and frequencies in different exercises regularly. From Ryder I have learnt more about goal setting than I have from any management book. She is a living example of long term vision and the painful yet rewarding steps to get there. Ryder teaches me every day, by her example, that motivation and grit and determination are real words and they are some of the hardest things to achieve...

Jack

My next inspirational person doesn't know what her example has meant to me. She is a married woman with two children. She is one of the kindest and hard working people that I know. Jack has always worked and comes from a hard working family. She had been working in a family owned internet business for some time and in the last few years it was sold and she was left with no job. When she was faced with that she got another job in an industry that couldn't have been further from what she was doing and actually had to re-train to do it. Re-train as in studying and sitting tests and all the things that people have nightmares about school again and she did it. It was hard at first but now she is qualified as a theatre (as in hospital and not acting) technician and is employable globally and I couldn't be more prouder of that. From Jack's example I have learnt that re-training is scary and hard and there is truth to the saying that when one door closes another opens....

French

I have a friend French who I have worked with on and off for many years in different roles and in the last organisation I worked for. She is an educated and intelligent woman, wife and mother of two children. Her role was quite high up in terms of the organisation structure, with her being in charge of a multi-million dollar budget, strategic planning and direction of a unit, and oversaw numerous staff. That alone is a wonderful achievement - however for me her next decision was the most inspirational. French resigned from that highly ranked position in our organisation to move on to something just as fantastic - to be a full-time mother. Her example has taught me about priorities and how life as a Mum can be fullfilling and that to be a Mum can restore the equillibrium to the twenty-four-seven struggle of balancing balance work and home.

There are many more that I could have featured here.... because you are all inspirational and thank you every day!

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Remembering.....

I can't imagine that there would be anywhere in the world where the words 'nine eleven (9/11)' doesn't conjur up something in our minds. I live a world away from New York but I can vividly recall where I was when I saw for the first of thousands of times - planes driven into symbolic buildings, damage done to the Pentagon, and the crash site enroute to the White House. Like the people around me, our minds could not register what we were seeing before us... and to this day, if it was not fact - it would still be unbelievable.

So on the 10th anniversary of that fateful day, there was never going to be another topic to blog about. Again, and with reason, we watch the footage of that day, and join with the people at 'Ground Zero' as they remember their lost ones. It is also, I would suggest a time for a nation to reassess their committment to a cause that has had to add many more lives to this list of loss. Aotearoa, has not gone without - our latest soldier being laid to rest some weeks ago.

Here are my picks of the day.

Remember by Christina Rosetti
Remember when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
Read by Dame Judi Dench at a memorial service held near the USA Embassy in London, England

Hello Darkness My Old Friend by Simon & Garfunkel
Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain,
Still remains, within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone, Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'neath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night, and touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw, Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening,
People writing songs, that voices never share.And no one dared, Disturb the sound of silence.
Sung by Mr Simon at the 9/11 Memorial Service, Ground Zero, New York

One father dedicated this poem in remembrance of his daughter.“If tears could bring you back to me, you’d be right by my side. For God could fill a river full with all the tears I’ve cried. If I could have one wish come true, I’d ask God in prayer to let me have just one more day to show how much I care.” 

The relection pools, are a breathtakingly beautiful memorial and have catapulted themselves to near the top of my MUST SEE before I DIE list. Deceiving from the spanned view of these pools, each one is actually an acre each in size. The whole site covers a 17 acre plot of space. My favourite feature beside the massive waterfalls, are the thousands of names carved into the sides of thes pools. Check out  http://www.nycinsiderguide.com/Ground-Zero-Memorial.html#axzz1YLNA0PAw .

Being so far away and removed from the physical loss yet connected because I have suffered loss - the most touching images of the day were of the people, in particular the ones where loved ones were seen caressing and kissing the name of their lost one engraved on the side of these enormouse pools... Some added flowers and notes. And I get that, and was moved by what I saw... and realised that loss is universal...

After all it is the names of almost 3000 souls that day and the many more who have followed, that we are called to rememberance on this day... wherever we are.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

The best advice....

Recently I spent an evening with a group of women talking about fathers. One of the topics for our discussion was the best advice from their fathers...

A lot of the fathers that were spoken about had passed away as recent as two years ago to almost three decades ago and yet the memories were vividly recalled. The room was filled with love of the first men in the lives of these women.... and here are my picks of the best pieces of advice that a group of fathers have given to their daughters ...

This is so true - you can do everything possible and yet there is someone who will not be happy with what you have done. I believe this father set up his daughter and his family to do the best that they could do, and to be prepared for detractors along the way. What a wonderful lesson to be learnt here.

This statement was shared by a 70+ year old daughter about her father. What was so touching about this was that her father taught her about being a peacemaker by his actions. She wasn't told to be this, but from watching her father, and learning from his example - he taught her. This reminds me of what Clarence Budington Kelland, a famous American writer once said "He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.".

I loved this advice that was given to a daughter who was quite young when her father passed away. What a priceless legacy he left behind for his daughters. The greatest lesson that a child can learn about love comes from watching how their father and mother treat each other.... something I need to work on ;-)


Another lesson learnt from the example of a father was about putting 100% of effort into everything that was done. This was learnt and put into practice for a daughter who still does this, even many decades later. The second part was indicative of a father taking time to watch football (soccer) and cricket - because if there is one thing that is most remembered about our parents, it is 'time', and how that is shared. The memories created between this father and his daughters have trancended generations.

On the wall I had put some quotes about fathers that I hoped would remind us, this Father's Day the worth of these men in our lives... One of these was a poem by Diane Loomans

If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again
If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd do less correcting, and more connecting,
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I'd run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging, and less tugging.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd teach less about the love of power and more about the power of love.

Thanks to the group of ladies I had the privilege of sharing with and listening to, I have things that I can do to be a better mother, so when my sons are asked in 30 years what the best advice they were given, will not have me rolling around in my grave ;-)

Happy Father's Day.

Yours in Friendship,

Mxo