Time after Time

Thinking of lessons that I have learnt is proving to be more difficult than I thought until I thought about something that I am running out of - time. Is it just me or are the days passing by faster than ever? How can I reclaim time?

1) Create memories
I am a big fan of creating memories. When my children were smaller, I spent a lot of time doing things with them that would create memories. The only trouble is that my sons have no recall of all that trouble ;-) For example asking them what their favourite childhood memory is - resulted in blank stares.....I mean these children have travelled overseas since they were three years old ;-) The flip side to this is that when my time is stretched as thin as it is now - my son's recall of events have become amazingly crystal clear... like Mum you still owe me $40 from last week (and they have heaps of those memories!) All I need to do is to make memories for my sons now...

2) Capture the moment

The best item that I have ever bought is a digital camera. When I remember I take that little item with me and snap away. I am not going to win any photography awards but what I capture lasts much longer. Photos are one of the reasons why I joined facebook so that I could actually see people that I haven't seen for so long... In this photo here, which incidentally I got off facebook, are members of my whanau - my beautiful mother (sitting in the front with my sister), her parents, two sisters two brothers, one sister-in-law and one brother-in-law, my brother, and two of my cousins. The special thing about this photo is of the fourteen people captured in this picture - only six of us are left. I miss every person in this photo that is no longer here and looking at this picture reminds me of what it will be like to see them again. I can't wait!!

3) Slow down...
I think I am finally getting to an age where I am not in rush all the time. The urgency of matters is still critical and lets face it the older you get the more matters there are..... but I'm not in a rush. Something has happened inside me when I turned 40 that actually made me change the way I see things and take things slower....probably why I am always late ;-(

4) Major on the Majors, Minor on the Minors
I learnt this new phrase - major on the majors and minor and on the minors. It means to concentrate on the big things and let the little ones go. This is not as easy as it sounds but in order to make up time, it comes in handy. The time and energy put into chasing something is draining, so if you are following up something - make it count. My brother has had some personal information shared with friends overseas which has come back to him. He was upset about who told who and so on. I asked him - Was the information true? Yes. Well then, there isn't a problem... I figure my brother has two choices 1)He could go out and try and get some redress for this slip by one of his truest friends or 2) Let it go. For me it was simple - the information would get out to your friends anyway - and at least it was shared by someone you trusted so that it was factual... hurtful, but still the truth.

5) Spend it
I was travelling home from somewhere and I had an ephinany: I need to spend time to make time. I don't spend enough time with my sons and I need to do this. I keep thinking about the saying that you don't think about your work in your last hours - its your family that are going to occupy those moments. I now have to re-create that in my every day. So wish me luck as I do something that I should have been doing all this time....

An ode to Time
Time is free, but it's priceless.
You can't own it, but you can use it.
You can't keep it, but you can spend it.
Once you've lost it you can never get it back.”

Have a great week everyone. May you use the next seven days well..

Yours in friendship,


Mxox

Fathers teaching Fatherhood

Today I held a newborn baby in my arms for the first time in a very very long time. I looked down at this tiny little creature and tried to rack my brains for memories of holding mine and came up blank - that's how long its been... Instead I thought to myself - how did I do it? How did I get through those long nights and days without a clue? ... and then thankfully I handed baby back to his beautiful grandmother ;-)

The baby I was holding had his naming blessing today. Baby's father called on all the blessings a child would ever need to grow up strong and healthy. What impressed me was his request for his son to remain close to his mother! What a clever young (first-time) father he was... I am sure he learnt that from his own father who is a great example to me of a man who loves his wife and children....

Here is what I have learnt about fatherhood from five fathers...

1) From my Father in Heaven - Love abounding
I have learnt from my father in heaven that I am loved and that the love in which I receive is limitless, unconditional and abounding. I have read accounts of people who have have died and somehow returned (something called near death experiences) and the common thread amongst these strangers was the feeling of love they felt when they had moved into the next life. It was described in such a way that I know that it exists. What we feel towards each other is only a portion to what is to come and I for one am excited ;-)

2) From my father - The love of Music & Comedy
 My mother liked music but never played an instrument and although would sing aloud - was honest about her singing abilities (something shared with my brother and sister ;-)). Despite that, it was my mother who motivated me (seen as punishment as a young person) to get through my pianoforte exams and I will always  be grateful to her for that. However, my love for music definitely comes from my father. He cannot read music but can play any song note for note on the guitar. My favourites of his are Breezin by George Benson and Hotel California by the Eagles. I can even watch hours and hours of Michael Jackson with him without explanation - now that's love ;-) As for comedy - like I said last week - I have NEVER met a Samoan who was not funny ;-)This is something shared with my brother and sister....

3) From my brother - Fatherhood is playing.
My brother became a father at a very young age. I have watched him grow with his children (four daughters; one son) and although he is getting older - he is still young in heart and as such plays with his children. From him I have learnt that being a good father is playing with your children. He takes his children camping, hiking, swimming (in open sea), pig hunting, diving (for sea food), jumping off bridges (Raglan Walkbridge) and so on. He is lucky because besides his mother and at least one sister - his biggest fan has been his beautiful wife ;-) who allows him to do this...

4) From my father-in-law - Silence is Golden
Like my husband, my father-in-law is not a talker.... In fact none of the boys in the family are, and there are five of them. But you see - just because he doesn't talk much - doesn't mean that he doesn't teach. His example is louder than anything he could say. My husband learnt many things from his father by watching and following him. My father-in-law is a worker, a real plodder, and the go-to guy when you needed some kind of support with anything. He is innovative and a man who works with his hands - some things my husband is still learning ;-) and hopefully will catch up. I love my father-in-law.

5) From my husband - Being constant
My children are blessed to have a father who is constant. His values and priorities remain unwavering. His counsel to them will always be straight and laced with love. He is my partner in parenthood and I wouldn't or couldn't have asked for more.

So from the fathers in my life - thank you for teaching me every day.

Happy Father's Day.

Mxox

Brotherly love

Recently, our internet homepage was updated. On there was a video clip about two boys, Luke and Sam, who are described as "two brothers who struggle to understand and connect with each other." This video has also been circulating amongst my facebook friends. The message definitely resonated with me....

My sons may be identical twins - yet they are different in almost every other way. They are called mirror twins. One is left handed, the other right, one has bigger feet, one has a double crown, they have birth marks but in different places and on and on it goes. At school they have different friends, choose different subjects and move in different circles. Even the things they have in common have different outcomes - yet they share the same face and DNA ;-)

The struggle that Luke and Sam have gone through is something that I am interested in because I believe that my sons share this struggle. I know that as they mature, a lot of this sibling rivalry/challenges will slip away or somehow morph into a loving relationship... but for now I have to do something. Don't get me wrong - we are blessed because our sons do many things together without blood being spilt, they are self motivating, accomplish chores or tasks without being directed, complete homework, serve our community and so on..... I just want them to understand the importance and responsibility of being a good brother.

I have saved the video clip of Luke and Sam and want to watch it with them because I think there are some valuable lessons they can learn. What do I want them to learn?

LESSON ONE - Blood is thicker than water
I counsel my sons all the time that the bond between family should be the strongest there is. The threads that connect brother to brother should be of a thickness that time, money, girls, houses or physical things (water) cannot break. The lesson to be learnt is that friends, years, cars, and possessions will pass and/or change - but your family (blood) is constant and should never be diluted.

LESSON TWO - Your brother is your friend
I have never had many friends and can honestly count my friends on one hand - or maybe one and a half hands at a push ;-) I have never felt I needed any more, or felt cheated and lonely because my brother and sister and sister in-laws are counted as my closest and dearest friends. When I am at my lowest, my first call is to my husband and the next almost always is to my brother and sister. I have sat in the car bawling after a show down at work and they have talked me through it - reminding me of my worth and how they see me. They give me strength to go back into whatever was happening. Nothing would make me happier for my sons to have this relationship with each other.

LESSON THREE - This is how we roll
We have a rule in our home that when the boys leave the house - they do so together and they come home together. One one occasion one of our sons returned home alone and our little family kicked into overdrive to find the other who had wandered off with no consideration for time and parents. The son who had returned home had left the other because 1) his brother wasn't doing what he was meant to be doing and 2) he wanted to come home, which are both valiant reasons, but were discounted because he was alone. Since then they have learnt to come home together and on time and I know that when they get older they will realise that by doing so they have each other's backs even at a sacrifice to themselves. This is how we roll ;-)

LESSON FOUR - Respect one another
We are blessed that the lesson that no one has the right to hit or manhandle another person, is one that they boys are acutely aware of in our home. However, the verbal stuff is still a work in progress. The boys have various words and descriptions for each other that causes their mother physical reaction!! To combat this 'phase' I have written on our family whiteboard the following affirmation: I will respect my brother and treat him as I want to be treated. All I need now is the faith that one day they are going to get the message ;-) by osmosis at first and then actually becoming a part of their actions.

LESSON FIVE - Love unconditionally
I am teaching my sons to love each other unconditionally especially as twins and the only children of their chosen parents. I want them to grow up and realise they were lucky enough to be born with their mate and to love him regardless of his defects (perceived or real), characteristics and personality traits. This love needs to be unconditional - meaning it doesn't have rewards - like a longer turn on PS3, or restrictions - like time on the computer, and instead is not subject to any thing (phone credit), place (bebo or facebook) or person (girl or boy). This lesson is going to take a life time yet I look forward to the day when my sons can sit with each other, surrounded by their children and partners, in love and friendship.

I know for me this has made me grateful for my own brother and sister, and I thank them for helping me to be a better person.

Have a great week.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

Having a Sense of Humour

I had to think twice about this entry - but have decided to go for it regardless. My 15 1/2 old dog, Simba went into renal failure last week and has been admitted to the vet (where she has been all weekend)... so talking about being happy is tinged with a bit of sadness this entry - but I guess it’s times like this, where the possession of a sense of humour is going to come in handy...

I want to dedicate this blog to my sister who helped me remember this week how good it is to laugh…

Here are some lessons that having a sense of humour has taught me.

LESSON ONE - Not everyone thinks you are funny.
I am half Samoan and I believe I am genetically geared to be hilarious. I have never met one Samoan that is not funny, and therefore have come to the conclusion that 90% (the drop by 10% to cover my lack of real data) of Samoans are funny! The only trouble is that not everyone thinks I am funny. Potentially this can break bridges and relationships before they even start. So lesson one is simple - having a sense of humour (either real or imagined ;-)) comes with a responsibility to tailor it to the people around you, and to only bring out the 'big guns (laugh out loud stories)' with people that really know, love and 'get' you.

LESSON TWO - The Act of Smiling ≠ Face & Chin Lift :-)
I remember when my sister and I were younger, one of us had read an article about achieving the same results as you would from a chin and face lift without surgery but by doing a smiling exercise. It started with placing your hands on your thighs, and stretching your necks up and slightly forward stretching your neck muscles. Make the biggest smile (teeth bearing) at the same time while pointing your chin slightly forward. You had to do this exercise then hold it for ten or so seconds and repeat it ten or so times every day..... We tried once, during a tea break in a job we had - doing these exercises which always ended up in fits of laughter watching the people going by who couldn't help but have repeat glances to make sure we were really doing what they thought we were doing....Lesson Two: Growing old is going to happen - get over it!! ;-)

LESSON THREE - Laughing tears are healing
Recently my sister and I spent part of a rare afternoon together. While we were returning back to work - she started recalling her son's speech and that's where the laughter tears began. Don't get me wrong - it would have been a great talk but that afternoon it turned into waves of side-splitting laughing which ended in tears of laughter. When I try and recall what was actually funny - I can't and have a sneaky suspicion it wasn't really funny - but it doesn't matter. In those beautiful precious moments - nothing else mattered, there was no other reality besides two sisters sharing laughter tears and it was healing. It transcended the stresses of our lives - hers as a working single mother, and mine as the grieving owner of a dying dog - totally unrelated events yet healed in those blissful moments.

LESSON FOUR - Laughter is the best medicine

I remember watching the movie Patch Adams where Robin Williams played the main character who used laughter as medicine alongside other sources. I remember being touched by Dr Adam's approach to the treatment of his patients. It was great to see that according to the official Gesundheit Institute website http://patchadams.org/ that a building dedicated to the real Patch Adam’s kind of work has started. The model of this organisation is organised around five principles one of which is that care is infused with fun and play. Truly inspirational.

LESSON FIVE - Never Underestimate a Smile

The Director of a show that I was in at highschool taught us that there were three types of smiles when performing that I have never forgotten. Smile one, was a normal smile with lips curled and mouth closed. Smile two (as pictured) was smile one with your lips opened to show some teeth. Smile three was a full on smile with your mouth slightly open, and a look of happiness and enjoyment to be wherever we were. Smiling on demand is not easy, especially while singing or dancing and especially when you weren't happy yourself but the impact of that simple act on the audience was immeasurable. I remember starting with a smile one and ending with smile two just by watching the reactions of the children in the front rows, or smiling because I wanted to while looking out and seeing people I cared about.... You can never underestimate the power of the smile - never - it is contagious and priceless.

So I head into another week, knowing that my beloved dog will not make it to the end of the month – and the song that comes to mind offer up words that I'm going to rely on.. I leave them with you..

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by...If you smile

With your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you'll just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just...smile

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

I have no hands but yours

There are many versions of a story of a statute of Jesus Christ that was damaged by bombing during World War II from France to Germany. Regardless of its origin and despite the evidence or lack of - the story and its message has lasted generations. The story tells us that the hands of the statute were so damaged that they could not be reattached. The local townspeople discussed whether a sculptor should be called in to fashion some new hands but decided instead to leave it as it was. At the base of the statue of Jesus Christ, a sign was erected with these words: "I have no hands but yours"


So I have been thinking about this story and what that means to me....

I can have hands that serve others
I recently found my mother's journal and she wrote about one of her friends who were those pair of hands - hands of service. "Thursday 25 January 2007. My lovely frend, Dolly Keung, made me a lovely, lovely humungous special meal - pork bones, watercress, kamokamo, maori potatoes, dough boys. So delicious. Lloyd dropped the bowl of goodies. About an hour later I got up to see what there was and strated crying. How someone so kind can do such lovely things she does for others. One person I can honestly say that I love very much. Heavenly Father sure made her out of his heart - love you Aunty Dolly for who you are and for the sweet memories we can and do share with each other"

I can have hands that comfort
When my mother passed away - it hit me very hard. She was my best friend, confidante, and mother. The hands of comfort that came to me over the first few days and weeks could be numbered on one hand. I believe it is because people just don't know what to do or say.......yet thankfully, one family tried harder. They are not our blood relatives, but they have wrapped their love around me, my sister, brother and our families. They invite us for dinner, drop baking off, write cards and make phone calls and the best bit - they listen and really genuiunely care. What a comfort they have been to me and mine. I too can do this for others.

I can join hands with those I love
I remember the first time that my husband went to hold my hand - he actually asked me first ;-) He didn't take it for granted - but he asked. It is a simple gesture, but one that cements us as a unit, and a team. Whenever I get the chance I hold my sons hands too as if I am willing the love from me to pass through my fingers to them - of course they aren't so receptive these days now that they are all grown up... but regardless of their age - there is nothing that feels that same as having a child's hand in yours. I have a magnet that says that "A mother holds her child's hand for now and their hearts forever". To that I say AMEN ;-)

I can extend the hand of friendship
There are a couple of ladies that live nearby that I am going to visit this week. I know that both of them could do with some friends, and I am committed to doing this. I know that the hand of friendship extended to me has come at times that I needed it most. Now it my turn to reciprocate some of that to others.... It may be something you can try as well.

Have a great week friends... thank you for offering your hands of support to me this year and every week we meet here - same time same blogspot ;-)

Until the next time,

Mxox

Words of Wisdom - King Solomon stylez

It is amazing that words written in 900 BC would still apply to us today. At the time King Solomon was the leader of a very politically, spiritually, and culturally powerful and rich kingdom, and yet was not only for these things but also as being a wise man.... Here are his words and the lessons I am learning.

LESSON ONE - "To every thing there is a seaon and a time to every purpose under the heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1
After my mother recovered from her major surgery and treatment - I needed to return back to work and get some money. However as I was just starting out after the boys, and committed to being a full-time mother, my options were limited. A friend put me on to this two night a week spot doing data entry. Before I went in to sit a speed and accuracy test, I remember sitting in the carpark with my mother and crying my eyes out. Here I was an intellectual educated woman with three degrees about to work in a position that didn't need any of those skills or knowledge and I felt like a failure. After hearing her full grown daughter, a mother of her grandbabies bawling - all she said was "Dear (her endearment for me), every thing has a season - and your time will come - it will come". I held on to that for the following two years until I got a part-time job lecturing - and the rest is history. Not only King Solomon was wise, my mother was pretty on-to-it too.

LESSON TWO - "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it" Proverbs 22:6
This is one of the things that I try and do raising my sons. I regularly observe and occasionally talk to women of sons for some guidance on what I can do and prepare for them getting older. The the advice is different and usually very helpful. The anecdotal evidence is sometimes hiliarious and always heart warming. Yet the most commonly held belief of these mothers is that ALL you can do as a parent is to raise your children the best you can, to ground them in good values, surrounded by love and the desire to want to do better. The rest will be up to them.... Some wise words are harder to apply than others - so if I make it through the next five years of teenagerhood, I'll let you know how I go ;-)

LESSON THREE - "A soft answer turneth away wrath" Proverbs 15:1
Its amazing that this was penned so long ago - as it has filled pages and pages of business and self-help books across the planet since then. In my current position I have had to employ this skill on more occasions that I care to remember and only survived because I have taken the less travelled path of softness and calmness. It typically has me apologising or as I call it eating 'humble pie' in many cases a pie that the yeller should be eating ;-) It sometimes ends in tears (never in front of the yeller) - because no one deserves to be yelled at, but that is a small sacrifice to pay to maintain control, integrity, dignity and the right to hold my head up high.

LESSON FOUR - " For as [s]he thinketh in his heart, so is [s]he" Proverbs 23:7
I wish it were true when we say - "Oops - that just slipped out" but the reality is that words don't just don't fall out of our mouths - because it is scientifically impossible for something to happen without a thought (unless you have turrets syndrome). What you think, is what you are- it really is that simple and something I reflect on everyday!

LESSON FIVE - "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches" Proverbs 22:1
Names are important to me - I believe they carry connections between this generation and those that have been and hopefully those to come. My names (both the one that I was born with and married into) place me fairly and squarely in a family tree that spreads across continents and it is awesome. It is important to live a life that is worthy of the name that we carry - because unlike riches, which will not last - it is one of the only things we will take with us into the next life...

Proverbs and Eccelesiastes are full of words of wisdom that still apply to us some thousand years later and I am praying that it doesn't take that long to learn and practice them :-)

Yours in friendship

Mxox

Everyday heroes ;-)

I sat today and thought about some every day heroes that I have in my life and wanted to write about them and dedicate this blog to them.

Heroine One
My first everyday hero lives near me. In my life she has been a youth leader, a musician, a neighbour and awesome to know. During my younger years of knowing her, she slowly lost her hearing yet she carried on hiking tramping and teaching me how to survive outdoors - something I don't say out loud ;-) In the last few years she has lost her sight. Even then she is the chorister for a large congregation and in order to lead everyone is singing she memorises every word. Today she had to memorise a whopping 1000 words, that's on average 7 songs a week! She is an amazing example to me of someone who has strives to live regardless of the restrictions of her body.

Hero Two
My next hero also lives nearby. I grew up with his children and think that he and his wife are the sweetest couple. Growing up,  he was a handyman/mechanic/a fixit man. There was always something going on at his place.... Over the last decade or so his eyesight was lost. He and his wife now walk everywhere because of her poor eyesight which prevents her from driving...I actually have never seen her drive ;-) To lose an important ability as eyesight would make a weaker man negative and bitter, instead what I love is that he is genuinely the funniest man around - with a sense of humour that lightens moods and rooms.

Heroine Three
I am reminded of one of my son's basketball coach/managers when they were at primary school. Basketball was obviously something that she knew a lot about and loved to be an active mother in her children's schooling and extramural activities. The problem was that an accident several years before made it extremely difficult for her to walk unaided. Such was the damage to her foot that years after this she lost her leg to her knee. She was an awesome coach then and even now I am sure she is working those sidelines from her wheelchair. I have not seen her for years, but her example will be with me forever.

Hero Four
I was at highschool with a young man who was severly disabled. His fingers were curled, his body was crooked and his speech was hard to understand. He could not walk well unaided and usually had crutches and later a bike. Regardless of the body that he was born into this young man was known to everyone, was friendly and has the greatest personality. His power to overcome his limitations and the attitude he possesses is mind blowing. Of all his achievements that he has done - I still remember hearing about him doing the New York Marathon! What an inspiration you are.

Just writing about these people makes me smile...and reminds myself (an 'able' bodied person) that life is for the living and if my heroes can do it with their physical challenges - so should I. There are no excuses..

Yours in friendship

Mxox