Listening

When I heard someone say that we have two ears and one mouth - because we need to listen twice as much as we spoke - I smiled and had to agree with that. Listening is one of the only things that I can nearly do exceptionally...which is great because recently it has been one of those subjects that has been a big part of my week and come up in conversations, presentations, and in a stake conference. It made made me think more about what it means to listen and what it really means to be a good listener. Here is what I am going to try harder to do....

1) Whakarongo
This week I was privileged to be a part of a leadership conference and the word whakarongo came up. It was mentioned not only as a leadership skill but a way of learning from others. The presenter shared his experience about learning to speak te reo Maori. Many years ago, when he wanted to learn how to speak Maori he was invited to learn with a Kaumatua who offered to teach him. He spent three weeks with him and was instructured throughout that time to "whakarongo" and not speak. The minutes ran into hours, hours into days, and after three weeks he left that wananga fluent in Te Reo Maori just by listening - amazing! He was able to absorb more as he trained himself to hear and learn what was being taught. Just imagine what we could accomplish if we all engaged in whakarongo.

 2) Active listening

About five years ago, I was teaching communication on a management programme when I came across this chinese character for "to listen". There are four elements to listening in this character 1) you 2) eyes 3) undivided attention and 4) the heart which really illustrates how we need to listen. I used this at a management training a couple of years ago to try and coach my team into the art of active listening and taking interest in what is being said without saying anything but listening. I would love to tell you it was successful - but that's another topic altogether ;-) Giving someone your undivided attention needs to be genuine and opening your heart to what is being said all makes for better listening. Next time someone is talking to you - see how many of the four elements you did....

4) Learning
This week I was part of an interview panel. As part of this interview the applicants had to do a verbal presentation. One of the applicants showed a slide that read "If all I do is hear, I will forget. If I hear and see, I will remember. If I hear, see and do, I will understand" I thought this was a brilliant statement because listening is critical to understanding each other, a subject, a feeling, family, friends etc. What we learn from this statement is that to truly understand something you need to hear it via listening, see it and then do it which make listening very much an active exercise.

3) Wairua
At a leadership conference I was at lately - our facilitator was talking to us about traditional Maori leadership models and the strengths and skills that we could take from their journeys to provide us with a pathway to becoming effective Maori leaders........ and one of the things he talked about was the "wairua" or translated to be - spirit. He taught in conjunction with karakia (prayer) to Te Io Matua (Heavenly Father) - that the wairua was the vehicle in which our people traversed mountainous seas and oceans and landed here in Aotearoa. I believe this principle and try it in my own life and know that wairua is real. One of my favourite scriptures tells us about the prophet Elijah who went to talk to the Lord and "the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice" (1Kings 19:11-12). That still small voice is the spirit and we need to be listening now.

5) Peace
The facilitator of my leadership conference works with hardened criminals (great preparation for our group ;-)) in Aotearoa's roughest prisons. He tells of one experience when he was called to a prison as they needed his help with some issues. When he got there and after he was already in he was told that there had been a six day war inside between two rival gangs. There were deaths, stabbings, fights and the tension was unbelievable. Our facilitator tells the story of going into lock down with the prisoners (how he runs his wananga) and the wairua told him to go outside and play touch. So he asked the guards to let them out. The only space there was a plot of shingle which was called the 'shingle pit'. He told the prisoners that they would play them at touch. Of course it was not a real game of touch, but this man and his colleagues held their ground and continued to play. As the game went on, the prisoners played and played, and one by one they dropped out, and still the facilitator continued with his colleagues continued to play until they were the last men standing. After that they all returned back into the cells and that was the session completed. When he was asked what had he done, as the attitudes of the men had changed significantly - he simply replied "we played touch". What I believe happened is that the wairua told him that there was another way to get through to these men - and he did what I need to do more - he listened.

Have a great week.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

Have an attitude of gratitude

On our family white board, Maurice has written in big writing the words "attitude of gratitude". It is there as a reminder of some counsel that we were given in the weekend to have an attitude of gratitude. I thought it was being proactive of him to put that message up and it showed that he was motivated by those words which was awesome. However, it is slowly becoming annoying when, in the middle of a discussion, and in response to me sharing my opinion- all 100% fault free of it, he quietly points to the board where those words attitude of gratitude silence me immediately.... I think it is going to be a looooooonnnnnnnng week ;-)

What am I grateful for?

1) My children
My sons are 15 years old. One night while we were watching Police Ten Seven - there was a young man who was spotted doing a u-turn up the road from a booze bus. The police quickly chased the young man to see why he had tried to avoid the road block..... Some reasons were given - but it became clear and later confirmed by a breath test that he was three times above the adult limit and had been driving drunk. He was 15 - fifteen and drunk driving. So the first thing I am grateful for is the opportunity I have to be a mother (despite early medical advice that becoming a mother was probably not going to happen), and next - I am grateful that at 12.24am as I am penning this blog that my precious baby boys are asleep in their beds with the biggest issues facing them is their next facebook/internet/bebo/PS3/mobile phone and not driving up and down the streets drunk!

2) My husband
I never had a picture of who I wanted to marry. I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking of the characteristics he might have either. All I knew was what I had been promised was that someone was being prepared  and would be led to me.... A year after that blessing, I met Maurice... he appeared just like that! He was respectful, quiet, loyal, dedicated, friendly and soooooo good looking. He was good to my mother, brother and sister, Nanna (who lived next to us) and at that stage our two little chihuahuas. He was perfection (which changed after we married - but still okay ;-)). He is the love of my life and I never want to live a day without him. I am grateful for my husband.

3) My faith
My faith is what centres me. I don't talk about it or share it as much as I could - but I love it and believe in it and strive to live its teachings. If I could, I would teach the principles of my faith as a full-time job -but until then I am grateful that I have a faith to believe in, and a strong testimony of its teachings, readings, and values.

4) My family
Being in my family tree makes my world colourful and interesting ;-) However it is the role of being the eldest of three children, that I am most grateful. I have always taken my responsibility of looking after my brother and sister or taking care of my mother and now father seriously. I don't see it as a burden or added stress - but see it as part of me. I love my brother and sister and now that they are grown with their own families - this love has only extended onto their children whom I love as my own. I am grateful for being part of a family tree that is colourful and interesting.

5) Friends
What can I say...... I am grateful for my friends - especially the ones that read my blog ;-) For my friends - church friends,childhood friends,highschool buddies and my workmates - I am grateful for you. I haven't always been a good firend - I actually lost some really good ones while at highschool - and for that I carry regret with me, but for the ones that I have managed to keep - I am grateful for you - thank you.

To this list I would add my education - for without it I would not be able to help provide for my babies, my house - that my mother gifted to us to live in, my mother - whom I miss and being told I am turning into more and more every day, books - that provide my imagination with wonderful worlds that I will never inhabit in this life, Hawaii - where I was born and hope to return to, food - of which I eat too much but love and grateful for, and basically my life - I wouldn't have it any other way...

Have a go of counting your many blessings, name them one by one - it will change the way you feel when you have an attitude of gratitude.

Have a great week

Yours in friendship

Mxox

Its time to get checked!

I had a little cry on Saturday. Our little whanau was all dressed in pink and participating in the Dove Star Walk raising money for Breast Cancer Research. I was looking at the most loved people in my universe - my brother, sister, sister-in-law, children, nieces and nephews and I thought of my mother. I think she would have been proud of us all dressed in her favourite colour and the fact that her daughter was walking!! I thought of her and the significance of what we were doing and the many people that were doing the same thing for people that they loved..... It turned out to be a great evening and one that was full of love and a determined focus to find a cure!

These are the lessons that I have learnt about breast cancer.

1) The early bird gets the worm

Early detection of breast cancer is the best. Self examinations are recommended at a certain time of the month and at breastcancer.org there is an illustrated five step method that you can follow. It also tells you what to look out for. If you haven't done a self-examination - have a go. You can save your life by having a good feel of yourself or if you don't want to - there may be someone else who can do it for you ;-)

2) Breast screening

Free breast screening for women aged 45 to 69 years is provided by the national breast screening programme, BreastScreen Aotearoa. The aim of breast screening is to find very small cancers before a lump can be found on the breast. Early treatment has the best chance of success. I have friends (sisters) whose mother had breast cancer and because of that they treat themselves to a mammogram every year at their own cost. My sister and I also do this - but we are not as vigilant as our friends - and something we need to work on. I have done it through the health system because we have family history of cancer, it takes longer but costs nothing - if that is an option for someone.

3) This is a problem

According to http://www.cancernz.org.nz/ and many other sources, breast cancer is the most common cancer in New Zealand women and is the leading cause of cancer death in women in New Zealand. Each year in New Zealand about 1900 women are diagnosed with breast cancer and about 600 die of the disease. This should serve as a timely reminder to get checking ladies ;-)

4) Amazing People

I have meet the most amazing people through my mum's battle with breast cancer - and every one of those people are fantastic! These people lifted my mother's spirits and I will always remember them with gratitidue and love for treating her with respect and genuine kindness. I went with her to her hair appointments throughout and after chemotherapy which were emotional. You don't realise how much hair means to a woman until she loses it all. The most touching episode was when my beautiful mother went to a bra fitting with her prosthetic breast. I sat with her as she cried and the lovely ladies there let us be. It was such a moving experience that I will never forget. And of course - the people of Look Good Feel Better who guided my mother around how to use makeup to give her eyebrows that had dropped out during chemo. And then, last but not least the good folk at Hospice -they really make the end soooo comfortable considering!!

5) Hope, Joy and Love
Although breast cancer is a terrible disease that many have battled and won and some have battled and lost - it is a disease of hope joy and love. The highs of hope are life altering. It defintely teaches us about anticipating the future and settling for a better tomorrow. The joy that you find being with breast cancer sufferers is contagious. Even in the deepest darkest times - there is joy to be alive, joy to be with family. But the biggest thing I know about breast cancer is that out of it comes love, whether it be a love of life or people. This is what breast cancer has taught me and I am grateful for that.

To the ladies that I know that have had this disease and have beat it - congratulations, to those that are battling - kia kaha, and to those who have lost their courageous fight - you are loved and missed every day.

Yours in friendship

Mxox

Living on the smell of an oily rag

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend a womens conference and stumbled into a session called 'living on the smell of an oily rag'. This saying based on an analogy of a car which keeps going with an empty tank and living off the fumes of an oily rag.... is usually used to describe situations where a person has made do with hardly anything and/or very little.

I was amazed that these women had some really great ideas that I have been looking for...

1) The candle
I learnt that if you light a candle and hold it up to any window in your house and if the flame flickers then it is an indicator that there is a draft coming from somewhere and you can then concentrate on blocking that draft. That tip grew into putting the candle in the fridge (or a torch) and shut the door. If you can see light coming from the fridge then your seals need replacing of fixing.

2) Shampoo & Conditioner
My sons have no hair yet they will use my good shampoo and conditioner regularly, and it is guaranteed that when I need it - there is none! NONE!!! So I listened attentively when one of the women gathered complained about her shampoo and conditioner having to be replaced every two weeks or so. So she got empty water bottles (Pump or H2Go) and filled them up with her hair products and she reckons this slows down the flow and lasts longer. So I am going to give that a go - now I just need to get my teenagers out of the showers after 2 mins!

3) Cleaning products
Have you ever heard of using baking soda and vinegar being used as cleaning products. One of the ladies gathered used to be a regular buyer of spray and wipe - going through it regularly (note to self: this lady must have a spotless house, followed by the thought - wow!! who cleans that much ;-)) and then by changing to baking soda and vinegar has not bought cleaning products in six months. Apparently, as I have not tried it yet - if you put baking soda on the surface you want to clean, then follow that up with vinegar, it creates a lather and then is ready to wipe.... Actually I once saw Martha Stewart use ketchup to clean the surface of a burnt pot bottom - ketchup! So great tips for cleaning and saving money this way - but this is food we eat so if it can clean surfaces - what is it doing inside our tummies, but that's a whole other story ;-)

2) Toilet Roll
A household of boys should not go through as much toilet paper as a house full of girls - so I have been scratching my head why or rather who has been responsible for the amount of rolls being used in ours. We narrowed it down to one particular son who takes a great deal of care - you know when. Fed up with this at our weekly family meeting - I brought a roll into our agenda and demonstrated how much was an ample amount of paper to complete business ;-). It was great to see that one roll lasted longer than normal - however, we returned to the one roll every four or five days! So when one of the ladies talked about toilet rolls - I could not believe my ears. She does this for her mokopuna which I could use on my teenagers. She gets the toilet roll and squashes it down so that the inner roll has a kink in it that requires the child to physically roll it around for more instead of it rolling freely.... I'll let you know how I go.

5) Do it yourself
Thinking about this conference reminded me of a cousin of mine who creates things herself and by doing so not only saves money, but things are more meaningful and I for one am so inspired. She is the daughter of a talented seamstress and clever Nan - I would like to think my side of the family contributed something as well, but I don't think so!! ;-) Anyway, an example of this is this coat she created (first attempt of sewing a coat) from a woollen blanket she bought from an opshop for $1! I thought it was great and only one of the many things she makes. I have been so inspired, that I have informed my husband that I want a sewing machine as well..... and lets just say - this news has kept him giggling for days!

So you see - there are always things we can do to help us save a little here and a little there from filling the freezer with scrunched up newspaper to try and trick it into thinking it is full, or like one lady suggested, fill half of it with water and letting that freeze and putting things on top of that to achieve the same thing.
Happy saving.


Yours in friendship,


Mxox

Lightning Strike!

Sometimes lessons come along and gently nudge you or tap you on the shoulder to remind you of things that you need to change or improve. Today I didn't get one of those - I got one of those other types - the ones that hit you over the head or like a great big lightning strike ripping through the clouds and striking you  in the "you should have known better" region ;-)

This lightning strike came to me today when I was one of 250 people who were asked to go home and get our 72 hour survival kit. We had half an hour to get ready. It was to test our preparedness for a disaster. Although uncomfortable and unwanted - it was a timely reminder that at any time we could find ourselves like the people of Christchurch who have survived a 6.1 earthquake and hundreds of after shocks, or the people who are cut off due to the flooding just up the road on State Highway 1. We just never know?

When the instructions were given I conducted a quick internal inventory on what my children and I had in terms of being ready.... and then the lightning hit - I need to get my butt into gear!

1) Something to cook with
A few years ago my sons had a camp which required them to take everything they needed in their backpack, including three days of meals, blankets, clothes and shelter. It was a great chance for us to get them real camping backpacks and cooking utensils with little gas stoves that they could cook with and on. We practiced at home how to cook and how to use the little gadgets and they didn't go hungry while they were away. Great right? Wrong - today I say to their father - where are the boys cooking stoves? Answer: Under the house somewhere! Lesson one - get the cooking things out from under the house and into the 72 hour survival kit.

2) Water
When the boys turned up today with their 72 hour kits, of the 200 people gathered, they were the only ones with enough water for 3 days. Yay!! for us. I know I could never imagine it - but we can survive without food but we will not live long without water. In Christchurch many people are still being required to boil their water - two weeks after the eathquake hit - so that's a lot of water ;-). Lesson two - stop teasing husband for filling every empty bottle with water and storing it all over the house!

3) Light
Just as the boys were leaving I remembered light. We ave lots of torches - but they are scattered throughout the house and some of them don't have batteries that would last past a couple of hours let alone 72. I could of at least have got some candles and matches!! The BIG lesson for me: purchase torches for every member of the family and include batteries.

4) First Aid Kit
We need a first aid kit. We have the basics that will cover a grazed knee, or treat a headache but nothing that would take care of a burn or a large wound. So far, in a tupperware (I love tupperware!!) container we all have plasters, panadol, voltaren (I know - you never know? ;-)), cotton buds, bandaging, ventolin and other basics - but in reality these things won't be enough. Note to self: Get a first aid kit.

5) Plan
For about ten minutes after our instructions were given - the boys had run off somewhere. Although I was fairly confident I knew where they were on this occasion, my greatest fear is that something will happen and I am not with them. I need to organise my family so that we have a plan and we are prepared and if we are either at work or school - we will all make our way to our designated spot.

I know that if we are prepared there is no need to be worried or frightened..... but the key is to be prepared otherwise that lightning strike that reminds us of what we need to be doing might not be enough and worse hit use too late - and turns into something we will be stuck with forever - regret!.

If this is news to you, at the back of the yellow pages and http://www.getthru.govt.nz/ the NZ government has suggested as Emergency Survival Items:
* Water (3 litres per person, per day for up to 3 days or more)
* Cnned, non-perishable food
* Torch and Radio (with batteries)
* Toilet paper, plastic bag, and bucket
* First Aid Kit and essntial medicings, including paracetamol for fever,
* BBQ or other means of cooking
* Face and dus masks

Happy gathering.

Yours in friendship,

Mxox

Time after Time

Thinking of lessons that I have learnt is proving to be more difficult than I thought until I thought about something that I am running out of - time. Is it just me or are the days passing by faster than ever? How can I reclaim time?

1) Create memories
I am a big fan of creating memories. When my children were smaller, I spent a lot of time doing things with them that would create memories. The only trouble is that my sons have no recall of all that trouble ;-) For example asking them what their favourite childhood memory is - resulted in blank stares.....I mean these children have travelled overseas since they were three years old ;-) The flip side to this is that when my time is stretched as thin as it is now - my son's recall of events have become amazingly crystal clear... like Mum you still owe me $40 from last week (and they have heaps of those memories!) All I need to do is to make memories for my sons now...

2) Capture the moment

The best item that I have ever bought is a digital camera. When I remember I take that little item with me and snap away. I am not going to win any photography awards but what I capture lasts much longer. Photos are one of the reasons why I joined facebook so that I could actually see people that I haven't seen for so long... In this photo here, which incidentally I got off facebook, are members of my whanau - my beautiful mother (sitting in the front with my sister), her parents, two sisters two brothers, one sister-in-law and one brother-in-law, my brother, and two of my cousins. The special thing about this photo is of the fourteen people captured in this picture - only six of us are left. I miss every person in this photo that is no longer here and looking at this picture reminds me of what it will be like to see them again. I can't wait!!

3) Slow down...
I think I am finally getting to an age where I am not in rush all the time. The urgency of matters is still critical and lets face it the older you get the more matters there are..... but I'm not in a rush. Something has happened inside me when I turned 40 that actually made me change the way I see things and take things slower....probably why I am always late ;-(

4) Major on the Majors, Minor on the Minors
I learnt this new phrase - major on the majors and minor and on the minors. It means to concentrate on the big things and let the little ones go. This is not as easy as it sounds but in order to make up time, it comes in handy. The time and energy put into chasing something is draining, so if you are following up something - make it count. My brother has had some personal information shared with friends overseas which has come back to him. He was upset about who told who and so on. I asked him - Was the information true? Yes. Well then, there isn't a problem... I figure my brother has two choices 1)He could go out and try and get some redress for this slip by one of his truest friends or 2) Let it go. For me it was simple - the information would get out to your friends anyway - and at least it was shared by someone you trusted so that it was factual... hurtful, but still the truth.

5) Spend it
I was travelling home from somewhere and I had an ephinany: I need to spend time to make time. I don't spend enough time with my sons and I need to do this. I keep thinking about the saying that you don't think about your work in your last hours - its your family that are going to occupy those moments. I now have to re-create that in my every day. So wish me luck as I do something that I should have been doing all this time....

An ode to Time
Time is free, but it's priceless.
You can't own it, but you can use it.
You can't keep it, but you can spend it.
Once you've lost it you can never get it back.”

Have a great week everyone. May you use the next seven days well..

Yours in friendship,


Mxox

Fathers teaching Fatherhood

Today I held a newborn baby in my arms for the first time in a very very long time. I looked down at this tiny little creature and tried to rack my brains for memories of holding mine and came up blank - that's how long its been... Instead I thought to myself - how did I do it? How did I get through those long nights and days without a clue? ... and then thankfully I handed baby back to his beautiful grandmother ;-)

The baby I was holding had his naming blessing today. Baby's father called on all the blessings a child would ever need to grow up strong and healthy. What impressed me was his request for his son to remain close to his mother! What a clever young (first-time) father he was... I am sure he learnt that from his own father who is a great example to me of a man who loves his wife and children....

Here is what I have learnt about fatherhood from five fathers...

1) From my Father in Heaven - Love abounding
I have learnt from my father in heaven that I am loved and that the love in which I receive is limitless, unconditional and abounding. I have read accounts of people who have have died and somehow returned (something called near death experiences) and the common thread amongst these strangers was the feeling of love they felt when they had moved into the next life. It was described in such a way that I know that it exists. What we feel towards each other is only a portion to what is to come and I for one am excited ;-)

2) From my father - The love of Music & Comedy
 My mother liked music but never played an instrument and although would sing aloud - was honest about her singing abilities (something shared with my brother and sister ;-)). Despite that, it was my mother who motivated me (seen as punishment as a young person) to get through my pianoforte exams and I will always  be grateful to her for that. However, my love for music definitely comes from my father. He cannot read music but can play any song note for note on the guitar. My favourites of his are Breezin by George Benson and Hotel California by the Eagles. I can even watch hours and hours of Michael Jackson with him without explanation - now that's love ;-) As for comedy - like I said last week - I have NEVER met a Samoan who was not funny ;-)This is something shared with my brother and sister....

3) From my brother - Fatherhood is playing.
My brother became a father at a very young age. I have watched him grow with his children (four daughters; one son) and although he is getting older - he is still young in heart and as such plays with his children. From him I have learnt that being a good father is playing with your children. He takes his children camping, hiking, swimming (in open sea), pig hunting, diving (for sea food), jumping off bridges (Raglan Walkbridge) and so on. He is lucky because besides his mother and at least one sister - his biggest fan has been his beautiful wife ;-) who allows him to do this...

4) From my father-in-law - Silence is Golden
Like my husband, my father-in-law is not a talker.... In fact none of the boys in the family are, and there are five of them. But you see - just because he doesn't talk much - doesn't mean that he doesn't teach. His example is louder than anything he could say. My husband learnt many things from his father by watching and following him. My father-in-law is a worker, a real plodder, and the go-to guy when you needed some kind of support with anything. He is innovative and a man who works with his hands - some things my husband is still learning ;-) and hopefully will catch up. I love my father-in-law.

5) From my husband - Being constant
My children are blessed to have a father who is constant. His values and priorities remain unwavering. His counsel to them will always be straight and laced with love. He is my partner in parenthood and I wouldn't or couldn't have asked for more.

So from the fathers in my life - thank you for teaching me every day.

Happy Father's Day.

Mxox