Mr Mxo: Lessons of a Just Man

I have been married for 21 years. Having come from a single-parent family - I had no idea what being married looked like, so have pretty much gone along these last couple of decades learning HEAPS about what marriage is. But to tell you the truth, even after all this time - I am still pretty clueless - and getting through on sheer luck some of the times ;-) Fortunately, because of the man that I married it hasn't been too bad (for me ;-))

Anyway, a couple of months ago, I had to speak at a LDS Lawyer's Conference about what it is like to be married to a lawyer and a Bishop, so I thought that in honour of our 21st anniversary - I would share an abridged and adapted (because I'm doing it from memory ;-)) version and called it Mr Mxo: Lessons of a Just Man. Happy Anniversary Mr Mxx

It's what he does

Being a lawyer is something that Mr M does - it is not who he is - and it cetainly does not define him. Regardless of being a lawyer, Mr M is first and foremost a child or God, a priesthood holder, a loving husband and a devoted father ;-) So what I have learnt from Mr M is that it isn't what we do that defines us - but the things that we do with the people that we love that build eternal legacies...

Be the Rock

A few years ago, Mr M was involved with a legal matter that continues to this day. On one occasion, I was in Wellington and I knew that he was going to be in Auckland meeting solicitors and it would not be a good time for him. I didn't know when the meeting was and I still to this day do not know all the details..... but I sent him a text and said "You are a good and just man. You are the best man that I have ever known. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise". When I got back from Wellington, he told me that he received my text just as he was about to get into the elevator at the Solicitors and it gave him courage to continue with an otherwise rotten afternoon. Someones my Mr doesn't have all the answers or are the strong ones... so on this occassion (and many more before and to come) I was his ROCK!!

Silence is Golden

Mr M comes from a family of silent men. Being married is already difficult according to Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus..... so I can tell you being married to a man from Mars who doesn't talk much is a challenge.... However this has taught me ONE thing -  and that is to really really listen - sometimes you just need to shut your pie-hole and shhush, and not just listen to what is being said but to read and feel all the other bits (that aren't said)..... I know, sounds easy right?? ;-)  So even though silence is golden and frustrating - understanding how your Mr ticks is where the real magic is!

Be Loyal

I am loyal by nature so this is something that comes naturally. However, being married takes loyalty to a WHOLE new level. I mean lets' be honest - sometimes the last person you want to be in the same room is the very one you are tied to.... so being married surely teaches you just what being loyal is. In my book - the true definition of loyalty is being Mr M's hugest fan, and even if the stadium empties out - I will still be right there, not only stage front and centre but the crazy person CHEERING my Mr on!!

A Just Man

You can tell the time by some people, whether it's because they are ALWAYS 15 minutes late (like me) or 15 minutes before (like anyone other than me....) I am both lucky and blessed because for me, I am only able to recognise lies and deceit in others because I live with a man that is honest and true every day of his life.... My sons and I are blessed because we know what truth and honesty looks like because our very own Mr M is "a just man, [who] walk[s] uprightly before God; and observe[s] to do good continually, [and] keep[s] the commandments of the Lord his God" And quite frankly, you can't top that...

 

So you can see - I have  A LOT to do to catch up to Mr Mxo and thank him for a wonderful 21 years and look forward to sharing the next round of 21 ;-)

 

Let your own Mr or Mrs know you love them and tell them how much you love them....because - we will never be the same without them in our lives and every day is a good day because they are in it!!

 

Yours in friendship,

 

Mxo

Preceptions are a funny thing - not funny haha, the other funny....

I heard a funny story today and I had to write about it because this concept has been on my mind for some time.... A couple were going to Auckland on a trip. The husband told everyone that when they go places that they aren't familiar with - they call it an adventure.... so off they go and and in no time and without any trouble they get to their destination. The husband then turns to his wife and says "See, I'm not dumb!". And the wife looks at him and says "I know you're not dumb, you're arrogant, and ignorant, and stubborn, but you aren't dumb!" The husband pondered on this (although he didn't tell us how long, I suspect it was ages) 'preception' his wife had of him... He may have thought that his wife was dumb - only to find out that that was the ONE thing she didn't think of him ;-) Ain't love and perception grand :-)

This week, my Aunty posted this on her facebook page -  An important lesson I’m currently learning from my 8th block psychology class: “Should I worry about other people’s opinion and perspective about me? Not really because they are entitled to their own opinion, but I’m thankful for the attention they give me. Therefore, thank you for your opinion/perspective because now I know I’m a better person than you think!” I love it - perception can inform people's opinions but the reality is always going to be sweeter.

Just the other day, I was talking to someone about a trip that I am going on with my family, and they said "Gee you guys must be loaded!!" and I thought on that - and figured - that is probably the perception out there in my community - but if only people knew the things that were being done to make this possible - they would know that we are not. This goes along with the perception that people believe because Mr is a lawyer we are rolling in it ;-) It's so laughable because the first image I bring up in my mind is the car he drives and the toilet he paid a carpenter to build around a sink so its an odd shape and next to the bathroom which is the ugliest part of the house.... Just because on the outside everything looks absolutely fine.... until you know - you don't know...perceptions, especially uninformed ones - are funny (not haha funny either)!

I am a proud and loyal supporter of Piri Weepu (an All Black player). It was a no-brainer for me when I was faced with the choice of either buying Graham Henry's (Former All Black coach) book or Piri's :-) I know - a choice between the call maker (coach) or as he has been described as - Piri: the kingmaker!! Anwyay, I am reading about his build up to the world cup final and I am riveted - note to self, if all rugby books were this good - I could read games instead of having to watch them!! - and he talks about the pressure he puts on himself on to kick well on the day. He practices more than he normally does because he thinks that the Backs coach is giving him the eye and he gets the distinct impression that he better do a good job - or else... totally my words but you get the gist. The book then goes to one of the coaches for comment on this, and the Backs coach says that that may have been the perception of Piri but it as never his. In fact he goes on to say that the coaches didn't care what Piri did in the build up to the game because they already knew he was good for it!! Perceptions - is what we think of ourselves really what others think? 

Recently I was listening to people talking about a scripture about perceptions - when Paul teaches in Romans 14:10 he is teaching us all that in the final assessment, our personal discipleship (following Christ) will not be judged by friends or foes. Rather, Paul said, “We shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.” It is this day that the important question will be, “What thinks Christ of me?” Now that's a perception I will spend the rest of my life working on because it is the one that I want my reality to match that which He has of me ;-)

So the next time you think you know something about someone, or have an opinion or perception about something that is going on or is happening - step back!  Don't be caught out like I have on many occasions - being way off the mark - because perceptions are a funny thing - and not the funny haha - but the other funny!!!

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

 

Touchback

Trying to get my sons to prepare for their upcoming exams has been a struggle. I'm using everything that I know but trying to convince teenage boys to do something and the best (and probably not very effective) is  the old adage "the grades you get in High School now can set you up in life" In my mind, while I am saying this - I am asking did High School set me up for life?

What is so funny is that recently I watched a movie called Touchback which is about reaching potential and the impact the decisions we make at High School have on our lives.... The movie is about a guy called Scott Murphy who, back at High School was the star of the football team dying to get out his small town when an accident ends any dreams of him doing this... The movie starts with a grown up married with children Murphy who like many people in this economy - working hard, but really struggling with the bank foreclosing on the property which has belonged to his wife's family for generations. His wife is plain and simple but supportive and plods along working and raising two beautiful children. You certainly get the sense that life is not easy.

One day, an old football buddy (now a big-time NRL football star) comes to town with Murphy's High School girlfriend (who is a News Anchor on TV) and it's all a bit too much for Murphy... He tries to brush his feelings of failure off, but when his crops face ruin because of poor weather - his hopelessness and despair lead him to a suicide attempt. While he is unconcious - he returns back to school and gets to re-do/ re-live his life.

The movie then follows a younger version of Murphy and his decisions he makes that lead him to wake up to a better ending.... (which you will have to watch... ;-)) and it made me think - If I could, what would I change about my highschool years? I even asked Mr "If you could go back in time - what would you change from High School? If you knew then what you know now what would you do differently?" He paused and then said "nothing!". I can tell you I was relieved given that it was at High School where I met and fell in love with someone who has turned out to be one of the best men on the planet ;-) 

I, on the other hand, and in watching my boys start living through this, have given this some thought and there are some things I would 'tweak' if I could go back.....

Love yourself
Everyone thought they were fat at High School. This wasn't just restricted to my generation because even my sons are very careful about what they eat because they don't want to get fat. What they don't realise is that in a short space of time, they will join millions of us who look back at their high school photos and think - "Dang I was skinny then :-)" To my young self I would say - "love yourself, and enjoy your life as it is certainly more than what you look like... Fat my teenage self - will come, but it is not at High School" And note to self (old and young) - EVERYONE looked skinny back then because - HULLO - we were children ;-)!!

Listen
My science teacher told me to take general science in the 5th form so that I could experience a range of other subjects and add music or a language etc to my education... Instead, just the mention of "can't or don't" spurred me on and off I went to do Biology, Chemisty, and Physics to the end - and just because, I enrolled at University in Biology as well!! This trait of mine has continued unfortunately where you will find that if someone tells me I can't do something they may as well have pressed start! So to my young self I would say - STOP!! listen to your teacher and take General Science branching out to do something else like music!! ;-)

How to Learn
I never knew about learning styles until fairly recently and when I did find out I was not happy!! All those years of schooling, struggling to grasp concepts, ideas, information, facts, figures, and knowledge without an iota of how to learn. Instead I, and I suspect many others had to rely on my own God-given natural and raw capabilities which makes me cross. It didn't have to be that way. You see, once I was taught and understood how to learn utilising my preferred learning styles - I developed strategies around those that make it easier to capture and retain informaiotn - most times. I wish I knew this then.

Patience
I wouldn't of started seriously dating until I was old enough. What does anyone know at 15? I would go back to my young self and tell her to get real and wait because there was someone coming.... The flipside to this is that I am a better person for every experience I had as a teenager and may have been totally different when Mr Right did come along!! But patience is something my young self could have done with in bucketloads when it came to the affairs of the heart!!

Other than that - my High School years were packed with waterpolo practices, games and tournaments, piano lessons and exams, Phoenix house, Showcase performances and tours, friends, family, and church. I realise, and probably knew then that I was living a truly blessed life because of all of my experiences. And, unlike Murphy in the movie, although life is hard, - there isn't anything I would change (maybe tweak but never change) because I am exactly where I am meant to be.... Hopefully, this blog finds you in that place as well.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Happy Feet

Recently, while I was being driven back to pick up my car, I got to spend some time with one of my friends. She was one of the people who helped drag me back from wherever I was hurtling towards and guided me onto this path of self-discovery and recovery and I, along with Mr and our children will always be grateful for that!! Anyway, we got to talking and I was explaining where I am in life and I told her the only word I could use to describe my life now was 'happy'. As I went on and on I realised that although this word is soo inadequate - it was the only word I could use.

My life isn't perfect (obviously I would have used the word perfect instead ;-)), I have bills we can't pay, teenagers who test me daily, and a lovely husband that comes from Venus when Mars is where he should be ;-) But the difference is that when I may have had a moan that my husband was always late home, I now think - "Hang on chick!! - some husbands never come home - by either death or because they chose to be with someone else!" Being happy is a choice - make the decision to be happy!

I remember watching the movie "This is It" - the last filiming done of Michael Jackson (who I have always loved!!) What struck me was that he was always moving. It was as if his body was itself a musical instrument - that he was the music or the music was him. It has been something that I think about often and more recently in regards to happiness - like the little penguin called Mumble on Happy Feet. Instead of being able to sing, Mumble made music with his feet. We are like Mr Jackson and Mumble - we are all happy instruments and are in control of how much happy we feel, play, make, and are! Happy starts from inside. Be a happy instrument!!

I have a friend who posts really positive words on her facebook page every morning where she wishes everyone a happy day and when she closes at night - she adds more positive words. Reading her posts is like getting a daily 'fix'.  She is making other people's day even if in reality hers is not going very well at all.... We should always leave people better off than when we found them and to always remember that. Surround yourself with people who are happy because happiness is contagious.

Recently, I came across a quote from Brooke Shields who said "Don’t waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window or break down a door." This is such a good one - because although we are our own happy instruments - it takes work to keep happy!!:-) I don't see Ms Shields is saying that we should just roll over when things go bad - but rather - get up, keep moving and work it!!

Here is what I know: I am the happiest I have been for the first time in years - because I have been in the depths of sadness before. I am happy in my job because I have been unemployed and restricted in the contributions I make to my family's income. I am happy with Mr, because I know that life without him would be worse. I am happyish with my house (except the toilet, bathroom, bedrooms, carpet etc ;-)) - because I know that many people are living on the streets.... I am happy to be a mother, because sooo many people can't be. Be grateful for what you have and happiness will find you.

I could carry on and try and tell you how to be happy, I can even share with you what happiness is but in the end it comes down to you: 1) Make the choice to be happy, 2) Let happiness start from inside, 3) Surround yourself with happy people because happiness is contagious, 4) be prepared to work to be happy, and 5) Be grateful for what you have and happiness will find you.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Dear Skinny....

I'm writing this blog while I am chomping down on my spinach salad like it was a big juicy burger and having a little giggle to myself. I'm having a laugh because, as I'm yumming and mmming over a salad - I'm remembering just the other week I was watching a programme and the people were going out for dinner - and I watched as they ordered and thought to myself - "whatever - who would order a salad for a main meal!!??" Isn't that so funny - because here I am 40-something years old and on this eating programme where for the next 12 weeks I am going to be doing just that - eating a salad as a main meal.... Is that irony or what??

So I thought to myself I would write a letter to my inner skinny to let her know....

Dear Skinny - I hope you are doing alright? I know that you have been stuck inside for 24+ years but if I can just keep on this latest eating regime - you may actually get out of there ;-) I'm not really expecting you to look like you did 24 years okay - and in fact I would settle with you looking like you did before you had the boys ;-) but I guess that's part of the excitement of seeing each other again.

It's not like it is going to be difficult or anything right? All I have to do is stop eating all the food that I believe makes the world a better place like: bread with or without butter, for special occasions or just because, bread freshly baked or toasted - heck any kind of bread; KFC, Mommas donuts, burgers - chicken, mince, homemade or from Wendys, Maseis pizzas, chop suey, rice, mayonaise, hot chips, crispy chips, twisties, peanut slabs, hershey peanut butter cups, and whatever else my little fingers can get a hold of ....

It's not even like there was anything wrong with not being able to fit my clothes. I have a farmers card (yes Mr - it has some recent charges) and clothes are on special all the time especially after the season is over.... My other clothes hang-outs are great too because they are always sending me brochures so that I don't even have to leave the house.... And if all else fails, the good old safety pin trick is tried and true. C'mon Skinny you know that trick - the one where I use the safety pin to join the top of the zip to the top of my pants ;-) In my mind I see you in my clothes but then I look in the mirror you disappear - what's up with that??? But don't worry Skinny, you'll be coming out in 80 more days ;-)

  

So I know its been a while Skinny - but thankfully Mr remembers what you look like. It helps as well that his parents have a giant wedding photo of Mr and I when you were on the outside ;-) I have to say the best photo though that reminds me of what you look like, is that photo that we used as a engagement photo and ended up including in our wedding invitations. You know the one Skinny, right there in the hallway - when you come out of the bathroom.  I think Mr is secretly waiting for you to come out of hiding.... but I have told him that you are looking just as haggard and he can kiss that engagement photo goodbye, because I have seen your hair - and you cannot hide those grey ones or silence those getting older aches and pains either...  Shouldn't be a problem really - in 11.5 weeks the two of you can see each other again.

But seriously, Skinny, it's been great writing to you. I know that you are waiting to get out but I just have to tell you that even when do - I'm still going to be me okay.... Who cares if you can fit really cool clothes, and can run and jump around like a teenager - you will always be the same.... and if you don't behave - back inside you go!!

Well, I better get going skinny. See you in 1920 hours - but who's counting ;-)

Yours in Friendship,

Mxo

Get the girls out ;-)

Lately on tv a Breast Screen Aotearoa advertising campaign to encourage women to have breast checks/mammograms has been running. The last one I saw was when the Aunties - Ella Henry and Whetu Fala were visiting a building/construction site and were talking to the men there about why it was important for the women in their lives to go and get checked. It ends when Aunty Ella asks one of the builders "so when you get home tonight, what are you going to say to your Mrs?", he smiles and replies "get the girls out". Of which they all join in with "get the girls out!"

Although breast cancer is serious, the ad made me giggle and smile. It also makes me think that my sister and I need to get checked out as well - so I guess the ad has worked for me ;-) I also like the ads because they are keeping breast cancer issues to the forefront which is awesome.

This year marks the 5th year of the passing of my mum to breast cancer. I wanted to do something for her that wasn't staying at home and crying a river - but something memorable and she would be happy with. With that in mind, I decided to host a Pink Ribbon Breakfast. I wanted to keep it personal to me and my family - but invited anyone who wanted to be there. Friends provided the music, were the inspiration speakers (3),  my husband and sons helped me decorate, and another friend sponsored 2 lots of her gourmet cupcakes and a special breastcancer cake to be auctioned off (which combined raised over a hundred dollars) and I was the MC. What was so touching was that the musicians on the day had lost their mother to cancer, the cake maker's mother had had breast cancer and lived and of course the ladies that I asked to speak were breast cancer survivors and inspirational!! It was a lovely morning and in the end raised over $1600 with my organisation donating $500. A big thank you to the people, and especially my friends who came and helped out - my life is blessed because of you.. So, my pink ribbon breakfast was a fitting way to remember our mum who, had she lived, and as she spoke about doing when she got better, would have gone on to be a volunteer for the breast cancer society because of the service that they had done with her. I think this is going to be the next step for me - so watch this space!!

Breast cancer is a big deal in my life and the life of my family - starting with my mother's favourite colour pink. For my mum's funeral, at her request, everyone wore pink. Her grave was surrounded by pink balloons that each grandchild released once she was buried. At her unveiling we were all dressed in pink and each grandson, son and son-in-law have pink ties that they wear often in memory of their Nan and mother/in-law.

Every opportunity I have I purchase Breast Cancer Society/ Foundation merchandise in support of  eradicating this disease that claims so many beautiful people. What is more important though, is because of breast cancer history in our family (my mother's sister also had a lump discovered at the time of her passing), it is critical for my sister and I and even our nieces to get checked regularly - or as the ad encourages us to Get the Girls Out!

Here are some things that we all need to know:

Symptoms of breast cancer can include:

• A new lump or thickening in the breast or armpit area,
• A change in skin of the breast, areola or nipple which can inclue the colour, dimpling, puckering or reddening,
• A newly retracted/inverted (pulled in) nipple,
• A discharge from the nipple that occurs without squeezing, or
• A change in breast shape or size.

Risk factors for breast cancer
The main factors for breast cancer are 1) being female (although 1% of breast cancer occurs in males) and 2) increasing age as it becomes more likely that abnormal changes may occur in the over 50s however, breast cancer in younger women also is occuring and is usually more agressive. Other factors may include:

• Family history and genetics. If your mother, sister or daughter has had breast cancer - make those check ups regular!
• Body size. Overweight and obese women have a post menopausal breast cancer risk 20-40% higher than lean women.
• Diet. Studies have suggested that eating a diet high in fat or red meat may increase the risk of breast cancer. Women with the highest intake of fat and red meat would have a breast cancer risk 10-20% higher than a women with a low intake.

Risk reduction factors are physical activity and maintaining a healthy weight..... now don't even get me started on how many healthy and fit people you and I know with breast cancer......

How can we help?
Here are some practical things you can do when someone you care about has breast cancer:

• Keep in touch. You may feel awkward and don't know what to say - there are no 'right' words. Just keep in touch as time passes. Mum had a few friends that visited often and they made her day every time that came. Our family loves these beautiful women.
• Listen. Pay attention to her cues. Don't be afraid to ask her what she wants.
• Prepare meals. Aunty Dolly brought my mum some of her yummy cooking every week and my mother loved every last drop. The only downside to this is that I think we still have her bowls ;-(
• Offer to drive and stay with her through appointments. I was with Mum for every oncologist appointment and 95% of her treatments, however, on that odd occasion I (or my siblings) couldn't pick or drop her off to treatment, we had our friends pick her up... it was always a surprise for Mum who would pick her up ;-)
• Ask when, not what. Instead of asking what can I do - say "when can I do your grocery shopping?" - this apparently makes it easier for someone to accept.
• Support her partner. Mum didn't have a partner as such but in supporting me, I was able to be strong and take care of her....

So my friends - that's about it for this blog. Get the girls out and get checked. The information that I have shared today has come straight out of The Breast Book which is published by the New Zealand Breast Cancer Foundation. It is a very informative read, and if you want to know anything about breast cancer - this publication and other information from their website may be the start you need to get informated.

Remember the best cure for breast cancer is EARLY DETECTION!! So - let's get them girls out!!.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo

Finding Joy

At one stage in my life - finding joy was akin to the title of one of my favourite movies - Finding Nemo - which is about a father who loses his son and spends the rest of the movie looking for him. However, unlike the father in the story which ended with a glorious reunion and happy ending - my quest for joy remained elusive ;-) That is until now.

As I have written before, I have a friend who only had one New Year's resolution in 2010/2011 and that was to be happy. I thought that was brilliant and so simple. I realised that it wasn't going to be easy, and I know that she works very hard to achieve it - but it has remained an example to me to this day. I can truly say now that I am a happy woman because I have found joy. So for my friends and all of my three followers ;-) how did it happen or how can we find joy?

1) To find joy - find yourself

When you are looking for something external to yourself - it is probably a good idea to understand and know yourself first. I remember receiving this counsel from a wise leader of mine who, as a newly married person, when I finished telling him all the things that were going wrong including my husband -  gave me some advice that I never really understood until now - and counselled me to look internally in the first instance. I was actually taken a back when he said this to me - like I was saying "I beg your pardon?? Did you not hear me - it's not me - I don't have the problem - everyone else and everything else is a problem" - hilarious now when I think of it but it is soooo true. Know yourself first. If you want to find joy - look inside and find yourself first.

2) To find joy - appreciate the small things

Now more than ever - I appreciate everything I have and it is the insignificant things that bring me the most joy. I was coming home one day from picking the boys up from school and my almost 17 year son was talking to me about his day and then he proceeded to talk to his brother about a race they had been in and about their mates and whatever else they were talking about and I felt joy. I realised then what my mother used to feel when we would visit with her and sometimes just sit and be 'present'. It would make he sooo happy... its the small things!

3) To find joy - be prepared

Get everything in your life in order because when joy comes its an emotion that can be all encompassing. I know it sounds 'fluffy speak' but you need to make room in your life for something like joy to fit. It can't be squeezed in somewhere small and confined because you will find that when it does reside with you - other emotions come with it like genuine love. I don't know how it works but I can't have joy without this deep sense of peace and love..... so be prepared to accomodate joy - it needs a lot of room ;-)

4) To find joy - look harder

Although I had been brought up with the saying "every cloud has a silver lining",  I didn't realise that it had a hidden priviso that you actually had to look for the lining ;-) I didn't know that the silver lining only revealed itself not only after it had started pouring on you without an umbrella - but after taking 1/2 an hour to straighten your hair!! :-) So, just like the silver lining of a cloud - don't expect joy to come and greet you as soon as you hop out of bed..... and in fact, if you don't see it when you get out of bed - look harder. For starters, you and I have a bed and we have shelter over our heads (sure it may be in disrepair ;-) - but shelter nonetheless ;-)) so again, if joy doesn't greet you - look harder.

5) Putting joy into the journey

I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father for the lessons that I have learnt over the last twelve months. I'm obviously not the brightest - because it actually took me losing everything that I had (success, job, status, 'things' and money), to gain everything I actually need (joy, love, peace, family, true friends, a stronger relationship with God). As I have healed, all the other 'stuff' I had on board has turned into good things which have left me feeling more 'whole' and its got a lot to do with what I have found along my journey, of which the pursuit of, and finding joy has been massive.... Don't get me wrong, its not all rosey and hunky dory and in fact, I'm going to have to draw on my own words as  I'm about to put this to the test again.... But, one thing is for sure -  this time I am going to put joy in every journey...

Good luck with you and hope that you find joy in whatever you do.

Yours in friendship,

Mxo